After Forever

Chapter 61

Hardin

As we sit on the floor next to each other. Every ounce of me just wants to hold her and tell her how much I love her.

But I can't.

Yea...I am supposed to get better.. and who knows maybe I will.  But what if I end up like Madi.

Then what.

Then she's alone. And I don't want her to have to pick up the pieces of what I leave behind.

I don't.

I left when I left before because I was fucked up. And I still am.

I don't deserve her. I never did. Everything was just fine for her before I came back and look it's been a month and I flipped her whole life upside down.

And for what....I don't know. I guess I thought when I first got back that enough has changed. We both have grown up that maybe our lives could come together. And maybe they still can. But it's only been a month and look at all the shit I already put her through.

And she is okay right now and she will be okay.

She is still just sitting next to me...I  haven't said a word. I am fighting with myself on whether to never let her go. Or say whatever I can to make her walk out and never speak to me again.

And I know how fucked up that sounds.

I am trying to get back to where I was with wanting to give her the best date night and I planned on telling her how I feel, I really wanted to finally give her everything she always wanted from me.

But then Madi.

My heart is hurting. I didn't expect to feel this way. I felt like I was the Hardin with Madi that I was when I first got here. I could talk to madi and she got it.

Why can't I do that again with Tessa. I haven't been able to do that since the night of Landon's wedding. I know I have pushed her away and I tried to let her in again but I feel like I can't. I have been trying to protect her.

Protect her...from me.

Because she is right I am a coward. And a fucking asshole. It's all true everything she said.

"Are we just going to sit here or are you going to say something?" She finally asks.

Here it is:
Two choices-
1. Tell her how I really feel and stay/ask her to come with me and tell her no one could ever love her like I do.
2. Or say something to make her want nothing to do with me ever again.

"Before you say anything-I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'll let you think some more or whatever it is you're doing." She says as she gets up to go the bathroom.

She is in there enough time for me to decide that I need to let her go. Who knows maybe she can fix things with Easton. Plus she doesn't need to be with the guy with cancer who lives in a different country who might not even make it to 30 anyways.

When she gets out of the bathroom her face is different.

"Is something wrong?" I ask.

"No, I'm fine." She quickly replies.

At this point I have moved to the couch and so she sits down on the couch but the furthest possible end of it.

"Alright so do you have anything to say or should I just go?" She asks.

I wait a long while. And just as she is about to get up I grab her hand so she stays.

"I wasn't completely honest with you when I got back." I say.

And I'm going to be honest I don't really know where I am going with this just yet.

"About what now.... Hardin?" She snaps back.

"I...Umm am in a relationship back home." Fuck I immediately think.

She slaps me across the face. And I deserve it. But I also wasn't expecting it.

"So what was this?....what was your goal? Mess up my life and go back to yours?" She screams louder than I have ever heard.

"Tess I'm sorry." I try to reach for her.

"No...no. Get away from me." She yells and I step away from her. And this time she goes to leave and I let her go.

I am instantly struck with the pain of watching her leave. What the fuck did I just do. I know it's what's best for her. But it still fucking hurts.

Hours pass and I feel like I haven't left the spot on the floor I fell to after she left. The mini fridge has been calling my name for at least the past hour.

I ignore it with every fiber of me.

I decide to go take a shower and then maybe try and sleep. I don't know. I have no idea what I'm doing.

When I get in the bathroom there is something on the vanity. I look down and it's a white strip and it says pregnant.

She's pregnant I mutter out loud. And drop the test to the floor.

What the fuck? What did I just do?....