Sanders sides angst/ fluff

hold me close (2)

(TW!! self loathing, talk of depression, panic attack)

Roman spent a long time alone. He only really left his apartment to go to work or small errands. Patton and Logan visited often, as they didn't want Roman to be alone for too long.
Roman did one thing to keep himself busy by doing one thing. Planning Virgil's funeral.
Both of Virgil's parents passed away by the time he was in high school, and he wasn't close with any of his family.
The funeral was a little more than a month after Virgil was pronounced dead.
There weren't many people that came. Most of Virgil's family wasn't aware of his existence, or they had only met him once or twice. He also didn't have many close friends throughout school; Roman, Logan, and Patton were his closest friends that he had ever had. He was close with the two owners of the restaurant he worked at, Remy and Emile. They were somewhat father figures for their employees, especially Virgil.
There were maybe twenty people in all who turned up.
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{1 m o n t h a f t e r t h e f u n e r a l}
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Roman laid on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. He was staying with Patton and Logan at their house for the week, or longer, he wasn't quite sure.
Logan was at work, and Patton was out getting groceries, so Roman was left alone to his thoughts. He had a lot of time to think, actually. Since Roman's life used to be quite active, he got bored a lot faster. In the beginning, he found himself absent-mindedly attempting to text Virgil, only to be smacked with the harsh reality of everything.
Roman inhaled deeply and let out a long sigh. He stood up and stretched, wincing at his joints snapping.
Once he readjusted himself, his eyes met a mirror. For the first time in a while, he saw his reflection. His hair was messy, knots all over the place, he had heavy set bags under his eyes, and was wearing an old, baggy shirt.
Roman's eyes grew large as they started to water.
"Wh-What am I doing?" He said, breaking into tears. He sank into the floor, knees curled up in front of him.
Crying was a strange sensation for Roman. Sure, occasionally he had to cry on stage, but that was different. He was just playing a character and he could remove the feelings from himself. And sure, maybe he would tear up in frustration over a project that went awry, but that was also different.
He hadn't ever really felt despair so raw and true.
Roman felt his body shake as he let out long, ugly sobs. Even when he took a moment to catch his breath, the shaking continued. As he shook, he found it harder and harder to catch his breath. He felt as if his blood was running cold, as he felt his vision getting blurry.
At this point he had stopped crying out of sadness, but had started again out of fear.
He felt like he was there for hours, just sitting and shaking and crying, until a familiar voice rang from the front door.
"Roman! I'm home!" Patton yelled, as he set down his keys. "Ro?"
Roman wanted to get up, to cry out to him, but he could only muster a whisper.
"Patt..P-Patt-Patton..." Roman whispered. His voice was scratchy and hoarse from crying for what seemed like an eternity.
"Ro? Hey buddy?" Patton walked from the front of house into the living room. "Roman!"
Patton kneeled in front of Roman and gently laid a hand on his knee.
"Heyyy Roman, Hey, sh-sh-sh, it's okay, it's alright. I'm right here okay? You're okay." Patton tried to offer a reassuring smile, but his face said otherwise.
Roman sniffed and wiped his eyes, as Patton helped him up.
"Hey Ro."
"Hi." Roman's eyes shifted around. He was too ashamed to actually meet Patton's eyes.
"Rough day?" Patton asked, rubbing Roman's hands.
"Yeah.." Roman said, biting his lip, as he felt another wave of tears coming on.
"That's alright. Y'know what? Why don't you sit down, and I'll make you some lunch, how bout that?"
Roman opened his mouth to deny, but Patton was already on his way to the kitchen.
Roman sighed and sunk into the couch.
"Anyway," Roman started. "How was your day?"
"Oh, it was alright." Patton said from in the kitchen. "Nothing special. I ran into Remy when I was at the grocery store. You know him, right? Dr. Picani's husband?"
Roman swallowed. "Y-Yeah, I know him."
"Oh yeah! And dya'know  what he said? He said something that I hadn't really thought about."
"What was it?" Roman got up and walked into the kitchen, leaning on a counter.
"He said that if, y'know, you- or any of us really- were still grieving, he said that we could get discounted counseling. He said-"
"I don't need therapy, Patton." Roman said sharply.
"Oh, I'm not saying that you do!" Patton put up his hands. "I'm just saying that it's an option."
Roman squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to come off like that. I just-I don't think I'm ready for therapy right now."
"Alright," Patton pushed a plate with a ham and cheese sandwich to Roman. "Whenever you're ready."
"Yeah." Roman sighed as he took a bite of the sandwich. "Hey!" He said with a sudden false exuberance. "Now that's a pretty good sandwich!"
"D'aww!" Patton started to make a second sandwich for himself. "Y'know, why don't you go eat outside? It's real nice out, and Logan set up our backyard table yesterday! Whaddya think?"
"Oh, well, I don't know," Roman tugged at his hoodie.
"I'll join you in a few! And it's supposed to rain all the rest of this week, anyway."
"Alright, alright." Roman grabbed his sandwich and walked towards the back door. "I'll see you out there!"
Roman slipped through the back door, and as soon the door closed, he let out a long sigh and let his facade drop. 
He made his way to the backyard table. It was placed about ten feet in front of the shed. Roman set down his plate and brushed the leaves off the bench. He sat down and took a bite, surveying the backyard around him.
It was a perfect house. Nice basement, main floor, upstairs and attic. Perfectly sized backyard. White picket fence, grill, shed. It was everything Roman had ever wanted.
Then why, he thought, why didn't it feel right? Why didn't this perfect life feel right?
Roman pushed those thoughts away as he looked up at the sun.
'Patton was right.' He thought.
Roman looked around quickly, to be sure no one could see him, and then rolled up his sleeves.
' Only until I cool off.' He thought.
On his right forearm, there were thin red lines. Some a brighter red, seemingly freshly cut, and others that were in the process of scabbing over.
"Roman?"
"Gah! Jesus Christ superstar!" Roman quickly pushed down his sleeves and whirled around, only  to see a concerned Logan behind him. "Logan! H-Hi. Good afternoon!"
Logan walked cautiously to the table and sat parallel to Roman.
"How was work?" Roman asked, trying his hardest not to meet Logan's worried eyes.
"It was fine." Logan said, seeming preoccupied. "That doesn't really matter right now. Roman, I want to be frank with you. You don't look well, and you haven't-"
"I-I didn't sleep well." Roman interjected. It was half truth, at least.
"Roman, you don't have to lie to me. You're not very good at hiding your feelings. You wear your heart on your sleeve." Logan eyes were drawn to Roman's forearm. "Quite literally, I've come to realize."
"Wh-What do you mean?" Roman said, realizing that he couldn't keep his mask for much longer.
"I'm not stupid. I know you don't eat, I know you stay up until the crack of dawn and then sleep until the afternoon. I know you cut, Roman. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. But you don't have to hide it. We can help you."
Roman attempted to sputter out a sentence, some sort response, an excuse of any kind, but to no avail.
The deafening silence was interrupted by the sound of the back door opening.
"Hiya boys! Am I interrupting anything?" Patton sat down next to Logan, taking a bite of his sandwich. His jovial attitude quickly changed once he noticed the grim expressions on both Roman and Logan's face.
"Everything alright? Ro, you look sick. You're so pale." Patton placed a hand against Romans forehead. "You don't feel sick."
"I-I'm okay, I'm-I'm fine-" Roman quickly spat out, shaking his head. "No, that's not what I-" He sighed, fighting back tears. "I'm not. I-I'm not okay. Patt, I-I cut." He rolled up his sleeve, revealing to to Patton his scarred arm.
"Oh my-" Patton clapped a hand over his mouth. "Ro, I had no idea! I-I'm so-"
"It's fine Patton. It's not your fault, or anything. I don't want you to feel that way."
Roman sighed, as Patton and Logan started talking over him, possibly even asking him questions, but he could hardly hear them. His vision blurred as he felt himself getting dizzy. Before his head hit the ground, he swore he could hear Virgil's voice call.
"Roman?"