Embers

~10~ Rules

Ellie's POV

Did I really just say that to him?!? Oh no!

Have you ever had that moment? The moment that you will think about, with a knot in your stomach, for the rest of your life? The moment that will keep you up at night, playing again and again in your head?

Well, this was my moment. If the ground could literally open and swallow me up I wouldn't have been more grateful. If that wasn't the most embarrassing, humiliating moment of my life, then I don't know what was. This should have been a scene in a movie making people cringe. NOT my life.

I go and check on Liam; He's still sleeping, snoring gently. He looks so young when he sleeps. I miss this version of my son. I just sit there and stare at him for a moment longer, still waiting for my cheeks to go back to their normal ivory color.

Unfortunately for me, even in the dim room, they're still flaming.

"Hey bud," I shake him gently. "It's time to start getting up. We're going to be leaving in a little bit."

Liam's eyes flutter as he smashes his face into his pillow and stretches his legs. He moves his face slightly to the side, and I can see his eyes trying to open. He looks at me, and smiles slightly.

"Morning love," I say to him with a gentle smile. Even though I'm still upset with him, it's a new day today.

"Morning," he says, still drowsy. "What time did you get back last night?"

"We just got back a bit ago." I say as I look at the time. "We're gonna have to get going soon. The next shift will be here in a bit."

I stand up and stretch out my back. All-nighters really wear on me.

Liam gets up and starts walking to the bathroom. I can tell just from his walk that he's still feeling the effects from yesterday.

I get up and head to the office. I need to get my report on the last call finished before shift is over.

I get my report done quickly, and head to Ryder's office to drop it off. I knock on the door, and walk in when I hear confirmation that it's ok to do so. 

Once inside, I see that he's having a meeting with Greene and Preston.

Great

If I think about what happened again, my cheeks are going to flame up. Think about something else. Think about the time I broke my arm. Or got bit by that baby.

I continue my inner monologue as I reach his desk. With a smile on my face I hand Ryder the report, intentionally avoiding Preston's penetrating gaze.

"Here's the report on the last call, sir," I say as I give him the report and start backing up.

"You and Megan did a great job today on that call. You two make a dynamic team. I hope you're proud of yourselves," Ryder smiles as he takes my report and starts skimming it.

"Thank you sir. I'm lucky that I have such a great partner," I say as I start heading for the door.

"Ellie"

I stop when I hear Ryder continue, in a tone that wasn't "chief" but rather "friend."

"Sir?"

"I just wanted to throw my two cents in." He pauses for a moment, and looks down at his black shoes.

When he returns my gaze, his eyes lock hard on mine. His voice becomes rigid and his jaw tenses.

"Quit letting Alex take the easy way out all the time. You shouldn't have been stuck with all of that."

Two sentences. All he said to me were two sentences, yet it carried all the weight of the last 15 years. Alex always takes the easy way out—I don't expect any more than that.

I don't say anything. Instead, I dip my head, acknowledging that I heard him, and bite my lip.

As I turn to leave, I see Greene shifting in his seat, looking frustrated; Like he wants to say something too.

Next to him, I see Preston. He puts both hands to his face, places his thumbs under his chin, and leans over so he can rest his elbows on his legs...Frustration evident on his face too.

So I'm here for a month, and everybody gets to have an opinion on my life? Fantastic.

~*~

As Liam and I leave the firehouse, Ryder's words are still hanging over my head. Is this my fault too? Alex not wanting to be a responsible parent is my fault? Liam sneaking out of Alex's house every night is my fault because I'm not holding Alex accountable? No. I'm tired of taking the blame for all of this.

Once we get home, Liam heads to his room. I didn't speak to him the entire way home; I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts, and honestly, I didn't know what to say to him.

The silence must've been too much for him, because he needed an escape. I go to the couch, and flip on the TV. I don't even notice what's on, I just needed some background noise. Before I know what I'm doing, I pick up my phone and call Alex.

"Hey El," Alex answers sleepily.

Shoot! It's Saturday morning, of course he's still in bed. I should have waited a little later.

"Hey," I say, getting nervous. This is Alex. Why am I so nervous? "I need to talk to you. Can you come over?"

"Now?" He asks, surprised, and slightly irritated.

"Yeah, I found out something last night, and I want to talk to you about it in person."

I'm getting annoyed that I feel like I needed to justify calling my kid's dad.

There's silence on the other end for a moment. Finally, I hear him sigh. "Yeah, but give me an hour, will ya? I've got a, uh, visitor."

We don't talk about our personal lives with each other. It's not our business what the other one does when we don't have Liam.

However, I've heard multiple times, through Liam, that Alex has plenty of visitors. One girl that he sees regularly, but I don't think they're official.

I can count the number of visitors I've had on one hand...

0

My rules are simple, but unbreakable. Liam always comes first. I will not allow my attention to waiver...At least not until he's out of the house.

I tried at love once, and it failed. I'm not interested in going through that again. Some people are just supposed to be alone. There's nothing wrong with that.

I have Liam and my job... I'm happy.