1st of June 2018, Friday
Parkinsons General Hospital
V I C T O R I A
It was almost sunrise when it suddenly became night again.
At that moment, all I could see was pitch-black.
Fear crawled its way up to my spine.
I already marked in my mind that a day would come that my vision will no longer soar.
I know I was prepared for this. I prepared myself for this. But the feeling made me stunned.
It made me ask myself again if I was really ready for this to happen.
And I admit, I am not ready for this.
It feels... too early.
Too early to happen.
"Tori, in your case right now — there's a very high risk that you could lose your vision," Dr. Carson, my opthalmologist said.
He sounds so worried about me. Tinatanong niya ako kung sinusunod ko ba yung mga paalala niya sa'kin before.
Hindi ako makasagot kasi obvious naman ngayon na hindi ko talaga sinunod lahat.
Especially that part na I need to control my blood sugar levels.
I mean, how can I? Puro stress-eating yata ginawa ko last month. I really hate having painful random flashbacks, napapakain ako ng matatamis nang 'di oras.
"So Doc, what's next?" Tito Emman asked.
"Of course, Tori will undergo treatments to stabilize the vision she has right now or..." Dr. Carson paused. "Decelerate her vision loss."
Dr. Carson and Tito Emman continued to talk habang ako, hindi ko malaman kung dapat pa ba akong makinig.
Their talk sounds like a ticking time bomb for my blindness. No matter how many times I try to explain to myself how my next treatment will help me — I know for sure kung saan din 'to mauuwi.
I don't want to tell them na sumusuko na ako. Na tumigil na sila sa pagpapagamot sa'kin.
But I can't.
Kasi sila nga, of all people — hindi nila ako sinusukuan kaya sino ba ako para sumuko?
So, I will let them do what they want.
Although I want to see more, pero ayokong umasa roon. Ayokong umasa na matagal pa bago ako mabubulag. Ayokong umasa na makikita ko pa ang ilang parte ng mundo.
Because it sucks to hope for something that is already improbable to happen.
I once held onto something so possible, but where did it get me?
The possible ones let me down, so how could I trust the impossible?
I cannot brave the unknown. Maybe in a different situation. But not this.
Not this one.
BINABASA MO ANG
Lost Beyond Solace
General FictionLBS | AN EPISTOLARY Sure, seeking solace is their mission. But what happens if they get lost beyond? --- Started: July 18, 2020 Completed: September 30, 2020
