Lost Beyond Solace

special chapter 02

note: happy 3k+ reads LBS. never knew that i'll be publishing this part along with another progress. thank y'all for making it happen! <3

———

Tori
it took you days ah.
ini-stalk mo pa ‘ko no?

what do u want me to call
you though?

javion?
javi?
javivi ko?

It’s been 7 months since I received those kind of annoying messages of hers. Hindi ko na alam kung ilang beses akong napamura dahil sa mga ganyang banat niya. At first, she was really annoying, to the point that I was regretting that I accepted her friend request on Facebook and even following her back on Instagram.

But I must admit, her shared posts of memes on Facebook is something I unconsciously look forward to. She has her own humor that… I, myself found relating to.

Parehas sila ni Manuel.

They’re so close, mukha silang mag-jowa na trip-trip lang sumali sa support group para manggulo. They get along to the point that they always find something to laugh at. Kaya palagi silang agaw pansin sa sessions, they were always the ice-breaker. No matter how heavy the topic is, napapagaan nila yun.

For one week, I got the used of it.

Palihim na akong natatawa sa mga banat nila.

Biglaan yung pagbabago pero hindi ako nagulat, it just made me realize that it wasn’t bad to be happy while you’re suffering. It was even much better, for once - nakakalimutan kong may sakit ako.

Pero si Tori, hindi ko alam kung anong sakit niya. Sakit yata sa utak ang meron siya. Ewan. Wala naman akong pakealam sa kanya e.

“Diabetic retinopathy,” she began. “Stage 1, mild nonproliferative retinopathy. I could lose my vision if my case will progress.”

But when I found out about her case, I suddenly became… observant around her.

I even found myself reading through the solace seekers group chat whenever she chats, found myself stalking her Instagram and Facebook, found myself getting annoyed when she forgot to message me.

There was a time that her chats became cold, a time that there were no chats from her at all.

It was making me overthink. Hindi ko alam kung may nagawa ba akong mali. In fact, wala naman talaga.

Days have passed and there was nothing, until I saw Manuel’s IG story. Isip ako ng isip kung id-dm ko ba si Manuel kasi… bakit nga ba akong magd-dm sa kanya?

Pero wala e, ang hina ko rin pala.

Tapos ilang beses kong minura yung sarili ko nang sabihin sa’kin ni Manuel na mag-pinsan sila. Tangina. Napahiya ako. Pero, who wouldn’t be mistaken? Ako lang ba yung nagkamali na mayroong namamagitan sa kanila?

Tangina talaga.

Hindi lang ako napahiya, natigilan pa ako.

Manuel
Ask yourself man.

Why would you be?

E bakit nga ba ako magseselos? Pero bakit kailangan ko rin kausapin si Manuel tungkol kay Tori kung wala lang sa’kin si Tori? Bakit kailangan ko rin maging malamig at maging makulit at the same time kay Tori nung kinausap niya ako ulit? At bakit ako natuwa ako nang malaman ko yung dahilan niya sa pag-iwas sa’kin?

Bakit ko rin pinalitan yung username ko sa twitter para lang ma-follow niya ako roon? Bakit natuwa ulit ako sa kanya nang mabasa ko na may mga tweets siya tungkol sa’kin?