Purple Prey: The Case of the Filthy Baboon

Chapter 5: Dead Gun

I woke up to my three companions crowded around me, staring at me with wildly tired eyes.

"What are you doing?" I asked in my smooth, deep, sexy voice (due to popular demand). "Have you been standing there all night?"

"Yeah." Venus said, deprived of his usual sexiness, just as he was deprived of his sleep.

"What was with your freak out last night?" Elysium queried, sounding both concerned and irritated. But I didn't really know what she was talking about :/. I quirked my eyebrow in confusion and asked her huskily what she meant.

She blushed momentarily before continuing "You just started screaming to yourself, is your head ok?? I slapped you pretty hard..." she fidgeted nervously with her hands.

"Oh, my head is fine. And I wasn't screaming to myself. I was screaming at God." Elysium's face went blank, and so did everyone else's, including Venus though his face was usually blank.

"Y-You were speaking to ... God?" Cosmic asked timidly and I glared at him.

"I know right?" I huffed "He was all like ohhhhh thee cannot brew tea in a cold pot and the taste of cheese ripens with age and Obsidian go through the door, for the love of me and all that is holy, go through that fucking door and something about mushrooms but I've heard it all before," I paraphrased mockingly. "In another life." Elysium, Cosmic and Venus nodded in understanding.

"I'll go get him some medicine." Venus sighed, standing up in a fashion that suggested he assumed I was suffering from a crazed fever dream. I didn't like being patronised so I jumped to my feet and ran to the medicine before he got the chance to administer it to me. I shoved the medicinal leaves in my gaping maw pompously (and sexily) before Venus could even say "That's poison ivy."

My mouth exploded in pain but I handled it. I guess I'm just built different. I clenched my chiseled jaw, looking ver hot, if I do say so myself. I began to froth lightly at the mouth, so I lifted the hem of my shirt to wipe my mouth with it, accidentally flashing my rock hard abs. I glanced sharply at the others and took note of Elly, whose face was flushed a bright red. She must be a bit jealous of my body, ripped with muscles. I gave her a wink of apology and deep platonic understanding and she fell backwards dramatically. It was just a little joke the two of us had together, I think, so I knew she was okay. Cosmic glanced down at her in concern and glanced back up at me. I winked at Cosmic to communicate what was happening but he just stared back blankly. I heard Cosmics thoughts race as he had an identity crisis, but I inferred it was unrelated.

With everyone's attention on me, I decided to sing for my audience.

It went like this:

I heard there was a secret poison ivy leaf

That Obsidian knew about, and it pleased the headmaster

But you don't really care for baboons, do ya?

Well, it goes like this

The fourth, the fifth

The minor fall and the major lift

The baffled headmaster composing Pish posh!

Pish posh!

Pish posh!

Pish posh!

Pish posh!

I'm not here to say I'm a scrummy monkey

I'm not here to lie to you

Some people wait a lifetime

For a poison ivy leaf like this