In Progress [SASUNARU]

20

"Ah- hmf!"
"Watch yourself kid. We could'a lost you there." Jiraiya-Sensei laughs, holding me up from the back of my jumper.
"Heh, sorry, I guess I've forgotten how to walk." I grin. His features adopt a much softer smile before he yanks his arm back, lifting me to my feet again. I stumble backwards, able to catch my balance before he has to grab me for the second time. Shoving his hands in his pockets as he kicks a rock along the dirt road, he sighs, as if admitting defeat.
"Listen, kid... I didn't mean to-"
"I know." I interrupt while looking straight ahead, hoping he won't continue. I'm really just not in the mood to think about him.
"I just didn't want you to blame yourself for what happened, I thought-"
"I didn't blame myself, I just don't want to blame him."
"Well-"
"And I didn't leave my house because I had stuff to think about."
"And you didn't want to run into Sasuke."
"... Whatever."
We walk in silence for the next few moments, neither of us wanting to break it. But I know ichiraku's is at least ten minutes away walking.
"You know, even if that was the case, I think that's a pretty reasonable response to getting raped." I claim, having time time to think of an adequate response to the statement that seems increasingly more fucked up the more I think about it. So what if I was avoiding Sasuke? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
"...yeah" that's what I fucking thought

"You don't get it." I mutter through my teeth.
"Yeah, I understand that now."
"I can't look at him the same anymore."
"I'm sorry kid."
"It's not your fault."
He halts, causing me to do the same. I turn to face him as he stares at the ground.
"Can I be honest with you kid?"
"Um, yeah?"
"I can't help but blame myself a little."
"How could this possibly be your-"
"I- I saw the way he looked at you."
He gets quiet.
"I've seen it for years, kid."
He looks up at me, locking eyes.
"I just didn't know that it was like... that? Maybe it's because I didn't want to think that he was into boys? I was- and I feel horrible for saying this but I was hoping it was a phase, that he'd find a pretty girl to change his mind and you'd get with Sakura. But when I saw you in his arms I wasn't very surprised. But when I found out what really happened... I just? All I could think about was how I let him touch you, hold you. You were screaming and crying and I let him KEEP YOU IN HIS ARMS! I just..."
He looks down once more, gritting his teeth.
"It makes me so angry, I could have taken you away from him, I was just so shocked when I realised you two had actually... And To know that it wasn't consensual now is just."
I pat his back in hopes to shut him up.
"You're not making much sense, but I guess I understand."
"When I saw you two together I hadn't really realized you had gone and done..."
He makes a circle with two fingers from one hand and penetrates that circle with his other index finger. His insinuation has me blushing like hell in a matter of seconds. I start to walk again, trying to ignore the fact that he did that and he follows suit. Gravel crushing under our feet as he tries to explain things I don't feel I need to know.
"But when I tried to pull you off of him in your sleep and you were the one who wouldn't let go, I had only ever read about bonds like that in scrolls. I was surprised that things had escalated so quickly, and I just figured- I just figured that you had been in a relationship for a while and nobody had realised. But to find out that he had touched you, done things to you without your consent, I just couldn't fucking do it. I lost it for a second. To think that I had let him touch you when you were still helpless-"
"I wasn't fucking helpless. People need to stop saying that."
"Kid, you couldn't even walk. I saw it, you were putty in his hands and to me at the time I assumed it was just kids being kids. But- when I look back at the way he touched you when we were looking, the way he had his arms wrapped around you. It just makes me feel like you were getting groomed, or gas-lit, or- or, I don't know! But something. I wish I grabbed you then and there and took you home. That's what I wish I did. But I didn't, cuz I didn't know. But I knew you were drinking so I should have asked. So kid," he stops again, as I turn my head we lock eyes once more.

"I am so. fucking. sorry."

Taking a pause between each word as he stares into my eyes so deeply it feels like he's searching my soul for the forgiveness I didn't feel the need to give. Not because he didn't deserve it, but because I don't feel he did anything wrong. Protecting me in this way was never his responsibility and I don't plan on making it his any time soon.

I just nod, not knowing what else to do. He makes me sad. The way he looks at me now, like I'm something broken.
"I'm okay you know? Like I'm alright."
"Kid, I don't know. It hurts to look at you now, all I can think about are all the things I could have done to keep you safe. Or at least get you out of there afterwards. And I left you. You... You looked so scared." I kick a pebble as hard as I can, denting a sheet of metal by someone's fence as we walk up to the noodle shop.
"I- I was. I really, really was." I pinch my thighs through the insides of my pockets as I try not to cry, giving up after one too many tears slip by. My feet still as I hunch a bit, allowing sobs to wrack my body. I see Jiraiya's geta stop in my peripheral vision, his toes curling anxiously.
"Oh kid." He pats my back and I flinch. As a result of my reflex he pulls back immediately.
"It's okay." I can feel him slowly bring his hand towards my back again before rubbing large circles into it as I continue to cry. Quickly enough, he pulls me into a strong hug, the likes of which I have never experienced before. Bringing his large hand up to my head and stoking my hair.

"I'm so sorry, kid. I'm so sorry..."