In Progress [SASUNARU]

23

An awkward silence overcomes us, I wish he could make it better too, I wish he could take it back, that night, the pain in my ass, the sheer terror I felt as I came to the realization of what had happened. The burning sensation on my waist where his hands had been moments before, I just-
"Do you want to look at that book with me?"
"Not really..." he gives an understanding smile in return, letting me know he's not disappointed.
"Alright, can you fill me in a bit more then? I want to be able to help as much as I can so..."
"'So' what?"
"Can you tell me a bit more about your heat? Like why do you have it, how do yo get rid of it?"
I move to sit down, the bed sinking as I do. He sits on the floor, obviously a bit uncomfortable being around me. I'm glad he hadn't sat on the bed with me. I have to say something don't I? At least tell him when my heat is. But the more I talk about it, the realer it gets. It already feels too real the way things are now.
"If you don't wanna talk about it, is there another person I can go to? I know Jiraiya's a homophobe but-"
"He's not a homophobe." I feel the need to defend Jiraiya. He said he didn't care if I was gay, so he doesn't hate gay people right? Sasuke looks at me a look I can't describe on his face, he sighs.
"Naruto, he yelled about me having a 'faggot porno' and then proceeded to beat the shit out of me. If it were just about me raping you then he wouldn't have used the slur." he claims, using air quotes around the phrase. I jump in my seat a little, almost up in arms about a situation where the sage is obviously in the wrong. I shouldn't feel the need to defend such... such... shitty actions? That's not the word... I pinch my thighs, trying to figure it out.
"There was no other reason, the way he looked at me... like I was some sort of freak, a pervert." He grimaces, holding the book that caused it all in both hands as he grips it tightly.
"And I know I did rape someone." He stares off into space, gripping the book harder. I hear a squeak as his fingers slip on the cover.
"Someone he cares about, but... he peaks at naked women through bushes. He consciously does things without consent far more often. It's not that far off-"
"Sasuke."
His onyx eyes meet my blue as he snaps back, shooting his eyes down to the floor less than a second later.
"Sorry... I'm just saying that he seems peeved at me personally for my sexuality as well. Like, maybe he thinks that if I weren't this way... this wouldn't have happened." As his eyes stare at the ground I hear a pat, seeing one single tear fall onto the cover of his new book. I frown, hoping he doesn't think the same.
"I don't think- okay maybe-"
"And I guess it's true, Naruto." He looks up at me, tilting his head as his lips turn into a gnarly frown, tears running down his pursed lips as he gazes up at me.
"I- if, if I weren't such a faggot, I wouldn't have..."
"Sasuke, no." I shake my head.
"You could easily say the same thing if you didn't have a thing for me. Gay people aren't automatically rapists. You made a mistake, and you're holding yourself accountable. I wish you hadn't done it in the first place but it's too late for that. You being gay has nothing to do with it."
"You're- yeah, you're right."
His hand slips under the tears covering his book, he looks down to catch it, only to look back up, likely after seeing he had another hand on the book.
"Oh, I'm crying." He says with no emotion... monotonous I think is the word? I hear a shuffle before I snap back, noticing that he's stood up. Turning towards my front door he says,
"I think I'm gonna go." I reach my hand out as if I had hopes of grabbing him.
"No! Stay..."
He quirks a brow at me, as if asking why I'm not letting him go.
"You... wanted me to tell you about my heat, right?" He sits back down, setting his book on the table as he does.
"Hn, I don't really think I'm in the space to retain anything right now." He rubs his eyes, wet and slightly puffy. I just... I just don't want him to leave, I feel as though I'll lose track of time again, I'm not a neat and I don't plan on becoming one.
"I need to... I don't know... I need to just not be alone right now."
"I can... I can tell you again later if you forget."
He nods. he just nods, and I take it, knowing not to ask more of him.
"I know you're probably tired-"
"Stop caring about me."
His words, abrupt and blunt, cut through me.
"What?"
I ask. I almost don't bother, too afraid of the response. He sighs, staring to the side, directly at a cup of instant ramen on my small kitchen counter. Obviously in an attempt to avert his eyes from my bewildered expression.
"I said stop caring about me. Stop worrying about wether I'm tired, or sad, or hurt. It's not your problem. The only reason I'm here is to serve you. That's my only purpose now. That's all I deserve from you now. You need to stop holding onto me, or the way you perceive me."
He explains, cutting through the silence. This hurts. This isn't fair, he didn't know.
"I can't do that."
I respond, hoping I sound stern. He looks me in the eyes, his own pleading. His demeanor softens, his shoulders relaxing and his hands loosening their clasps on his thigh and knee. Yet his brows furrow, making his intentions clear.
"This isn't fair, you fucking idiot."
"I know it was an accident. But I hurt you, in such a... in such a vile way. And we both know that. You're too sweet Naruto, too sweet to admit it. But it's not fair to you, to care. So stop."