Forever And A Day

Three: The Present

I took my sweet time in the bathroom washing myself clean with my favourite body wash , somehow wishing that I could get rid of all the pain and anger like one would so easily get rid of dirt and grime .

I've cooled down a bit from my anger ,but the pain of Max's betrayal was still there , cutting deeper like a knife , widening the hole in my heart .

Miranda must be laughing her head off  , wherever she is now.

The joke was on me , obviously. I won ,but what did I win exactly?. Eighteen years worth of lies ,that is .

How many times did he go to her?. How many times they must've laughed behind my back . Poor little old Carly who didn't have a clue that her husband was getting some from another woman .

Wasn't he satisfied with me then?. What didn't I have that she was able to give him?. I gave him my all damnit ! . Yet,it wasn't enough to him . He wanted his bread buttered on both sides .

I slathered another layer of body wash over myself and another  and another and still I couldn't get rid of the hurt and anger out of my skin ,my system ,my very soul.

I remembered a story my Mom used to tell me about a ragdoll that had been thrown away because she wasn't new anymore. Her painted on eyes had faded .Her dress were torn and her stuffing stuck out everywhere . I felt like that ragdoll right now . Broken and torn .

No amount of body wash was going to help me . I had to face it . I couldn't deny the fact that I hadn't been enough for Max .
That he didn't love me as much as I had thought .

I took a deep breath as the knowledge finally sunk in . The knowledge that  I had been living a lie for so long that I didn't realize it . It wasn't something I could magically fix .
Not that I have magic to begin with ,but one could wish for something like that right ?. Alas there was nothing I could do to mend this broken mirror that was my life .

Mom used to say to forgive and forget and to take all the blame upon yourself regardless of which person had been wrong . To be the lesser person .

How do I when my heart felt like it was crumbling into dust at my feet? .

What did it even mean to be the lesser person?. Did my Mom joke when she said that ? .

I don't know . I guess she'd been feeling quite bad when she said that when I was but a little girl who dreamed of white wedding dresses and knights in shiny armor. Dad must've done something to hurt her too.

I sat up straight in the bath when a knock came to the door .
I don't have to have superman's super powers to know who it is .

I held my breath listening and surely enough the person on the other side , meaning Max, meaning my cheater of a husband ,speaks up and all I can do is sit there wishing , hoping that he'd just leave me alone .

" Carly ,are you finished yet?", he asked , his voice muffled by the door in between us .

I just sit there staring at it , saying nothing . Why should I say anything to him?.

" Carly , please just come out ?", he pleaded  and I felt nothing . My heart didn't even soften .

I couldn't afford to be manipulated into doing what he wants . I just couldn't .

" Please?".

I bite my lip . His tone was sad . I could hear it .

It was too late to be sad . Too late even for remorse .

" Carly , I need you . Would you please come out ?". His voice broke as he said that.

I shake my head at that . Why did he need me now ?. Now that I could barely help him because I myself was broken inside .