Serene Of The Sea

5. Fear

When I woke up in the morning I was surprised to find I hadn't been under siege. It was rare that I slept through till morning. The sense of rest was alien to me. I got ready and tiptoed to the living room. Dad wasn't there. Had he been out drinking all night? I resolved that I would leave the house as soon as possible to avoid meeting him in the road. Last thing I needed was a confrontation on the street.
Opening the front door I stepped out. It had been a cold night.
At first I couldn't make out what it was I was seeing. It looked like a pile of clothes lying in the road. When I got closer it dawned on me. Dad was passed out on the tarmac. I thanked my lucky stars that no one on the street had enough money to own a car. I rolled him over. He groaned feverishly. He must have been out here most of the night. I felt his forehead, it burned. I tried shaking him, but quickly realised that would do no good. Fear passed down my spine. My strength didn't allow me to lift him. So I grabbed him under his arms and dragged him towards the house with all my strength.
My chest tightened at the thought of it all ending this way, with muscles protesting at the weight. I finally made it inside, puffing from the effort.
Grabbing all the blankets I could find, I threw them over him, "Stay with me Dad."
Then raised his head with pillows. His eyelids fluttered under a sweat laden brow. We couldn't afford the heating bills anymore but the living room had a small wood burner.
I quickly lit a fire and moved Dad closer to it. He shivered, beads of sweat tracking down his face. The nearest hospital was two towns away. Unfortunately we didn't have a phone. I ran down the street towards the corner shop, springing through the door. Mrs Thompson looked up as if to tell me off, but stopped herself when she saw my face.
"Dad's really sick. I need an ambulance."
She picked up the phone immediately and dialled emergency services. I ran back to the house when I was sure they were coming, to sit out the time with him.

They drove off with him an hour later. The paramedics gave him oxygen and wrapped him in foil. I had wanted to go with him in the ambulance, but they made it clear that he wouldn't be coming home today. And as I had no source of transport they had convinced me to stay. I watched the ambulance drive down the pothole filled street with care.

When it was out of view I wandered inside in a state of shock and put out the fire, causing hissing smoke to rise towards the ceiling. Suddenly I felt like I was the one on fire. Hot tears threatened to spill. I held them back with all my might. As I slowly fell to the floorboards, an aching emptiness filled me. That is my one true fear. Being alone. He was all I had in this world. The only thing in my life that has remained a constant presence. As unhealthy as it may be. The rest of the world just seemed like an impossible empty universe, waiting to come pouring in to drag me to infinite nothing. They were the voices that screamed at me, wanting a piece of my odd slice of existence.
Slowly, I took all my emotions and stuffed them into check. When I had convinced myself I could get through today, I grabbed my bag and made my way towards the university.
I moved like a ghost through the students. As I got to the doors of the lecture building I heard a snippet of conversation, "So you ready for the big exam today?"
My heart slammed, I had completely forgotten about the exam! Adrenaline fluttered through my veins as my day got to it's all-time low. I dragged myself into the hall as everyone took their seats, looking very prepared. Isn't that always the way? When you're in a bad position suddenly everyone in the world has what you don't? I sat at my designated desk in a nightmarish daze.

The wooden chair was very uncomfortable and I had been stuck with a wobbly table. I pulled out my stationary from my bag. I had always been a very conscientious student. Now I prayed that that would be enough. I couldn't afford to fail this exam. I would loose my scholarship, the only way I could afford this place.
The noise of the world assaulted my minds barriers as I desperately tried to keep a hold of myself. Professor McDougal walked up and down the aisles placing the all too ominous papers in front of each student. When he passed my desk I could see the understanding in his eyes.
He leant down, "I spoke to Lydia in the corner shop. Are you ok to do this exam?"
I simply nodded. Afraid that if I spoke I wouldn't be able to hold down the lump that resided in my throat. He pursed his lips and moved on.
The adjudicator sat at the front. When McDougal was done he took his place next to him, "You have two hours to complete the paper. You time starts now. Please turn over."
I lifted the pen to paper and filled in my name. Then flipped to the first page. I painstakingly made my way through the questions. All the while concentrating on keeping the world out and holding my feelings in, and not catching Mr McDougal's sympathising stare.