The World is Gray and Other Truthful Lies

Part 5 **TW**

Hi. I wasn't going to post this one publicly, so I posted it in a private server. I said I didn't want to trigger people on accident, (which I don't) but that wasn't the entire reason. I didn't want to expose myself, or change the way people think of me. I didn't want to appear weak, or flawed, and honestly I thought if I put this on a private server it may make me feel better, but it didn't. I felt like I was hiding and ashamed of who I was, and I'm not. I like who I am, and even though my  life story isn't great, it's still my story. The next poem deals with going through and recovering from an eating disorder that I didn't ever speak about, but I know now that it's okay to talk about it. Please, if you are suffering get help. Not me, I know that's selfish, but I can't help. I'm not equipped for or responsible for taking on that burden. Trained professionals can help though, and I strongly suggest getting help if you need it. With that being said, do not read this if you are struggling, because it doesn't end happily. It's me dealing with reoccurring thoughts that occasionally pop up. To my friends. I'm fine, I promise, I haven't done any of this in years. 

-Faith 

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A girl is starving

Dying

Her insides crying

So she feeds it black coffee

So she can look

Like she's made of air

Do you know

All the things

She knows ?

Know that she is obsessed

With the way she looks undressed

Dressing on the side

Side salad for me please

Though I'll just push the food around like a tease

Can you tell

That she's put herself through hell

Even though she hides it well

Well maybe not because she ate last time you saw her

But what you don't know is she purged everything inside her

Did you know that she used to look sickly

Walking an addictive line that was risky

You didn't know

Because she's gotten used to acting

Like she hasn't been fasting

Acting like she isn't proud

When days pass and she hasn't gained a pound

Pounding her legs

When they shake and they beg

Beg for food, or anything but coffee

But the days keep passing and she's still fasting

The numbers on the scale

And the tape measure will tell

How she obsessively tracks her body

How this habit is turning her into a zombie

The years began passing

she came out on top

Made all of the bad habits stop

Did you know she gained weight

Worked on her mental state

And she's proud of her stretch marks

Marking the anniversary of that day

To remember the time she cried in a coffeeshop

Because her boyfriend grabbed her muffin top

Told her to really stop

Because she was getting fat

Even though her bones protruded

He convinced her she was fat

She was his door mat

Did you know he was her abuser

That he always refused her

A moment of mental clarity

To understand this wasn't right

But she was too weak to fight

Black coffee

And lists on repeat

On what she can and cannot eat

Because I just want someone to love me

Did you know she had to recover from ed?

Did you know?

Did you know?

Did you know that when you point out her size

Or that she just ate fries

Or she she should look at the time

Or she

Or she

Or she

Did you know your comments on food

Drastically alter her mood

Reminds her of a past abuse

Of purging

Of starving

Of hurting

Did you know that when you do all this she cries

Did you know that those fries

You commented about with judgmental eyes

Were burnt intentionally

Because she had a moment of lost identity

And she thought

You can look like air

If you turn on the coffee machine

Over there. 

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and yes I'm still obsessed with coffee, but trust me, it always has a ton of sugar and milk in it. <3