The World is Gray and Other Truthful Lies

Part 10

A thousand voices, a thousand thoughts, chattering away in my head.
Always chattering, always chattering, leaving no room for thinking.
Perhaps if I were dead, I'd still hear the voices always chattering in my head.
They tell me what I know youre not saying,
They even tell me what know what I'm not saying.
On most days I can tuck them away, as I daydream that I'm not plagued by their chattering.
But then there are the days
Where nothing brings them back to me.
A word or phrase, anything that hurts me,
And they're back only now they're screaming
Because I tucked away the chattering
Screaming and pillaging any happiness inside me.
Until there is nothing inside me.
A skeleton who can't stop breathing.
Who refuses to do the brave thing
And stop being,
All I can do is listen to the screaming
And try to hide the mess inside me.
My focus is on not crying
Because the voices say I'm dramatic
That no one would want to be
Around a broken hearted fanatic
A girl who somehow has created her identity around all this screaming.
My focus is on not breathing,
Because if I inhale too much
If I break my bodies trust
The dam will break
And uncontrollably I will shake
I can't speak
I can't eat
Because it's too hard to move
To show I'm alive
So I'll lie here
Unspeaking, unbreathing, unfeeling, unmoving,
Because I need to pretend I'm fine
And all through the screaming
The thing that brought the voices back
Probably an insignificant act
Or maybe it was more
I am no longer sure
deciphering my thoughts from the screams is a nightmare, a chore.
But somewhere among the voices,
I know that spiraled it out of control
That I created a narrative that wasn't told
But the voices have taken hold
And have not given me any choices
So I will lie here,
I will wait for energy
For a sign I want to keep being
And a way to block out the screams
And watch all of the good things I made in my daydream
Yell and join the screams
Because they can't take who I've become
Even though the voices
Have always controlled me with their screams
And their strings
And the chattering
Always chattering
Plunging me into the black
Always chattering
What I know you say behind my back
What I know I want to admit
But can't take back
Its the chattering
And the screaming
And the skeleton
Who won't stop breathing.