It's Hard To Be The One Who Stays [Kurtbastian]

Silence (Feb, 2021)

The ride on the subway back to their apartment is quiet, even through the transfers. Kurt sits, Sebastian stands. Kurt stands, Sebastian sits.

And of course Kurt knows his way home, it's not like he's going to get lost, but usually Sebastian is behind him, tracking Kurt and his scarf as he weaves through the crowd, or he's beside Kurt and holding his hand, ostensibly so they don't get separated by the crowd.

Today, Kurt might as well be invisible. Sebastian's just holding himself ramrod straight, the air around him impregnable, twirling the silver ring on his finger around and around and around. It scares Kurt.

Kurt wants to talk to Sebastian, wants to slap him until he gets a reaction, wants a hug and a kiss and the press their bodies tightly together, wants to have the loose and soft Sebastian he was expecting for tonight back. He doesn't know how to get any of these things.

The silence stands between them the entire way home.

As they step through the door of their apartment, the warm lights dim on slowly. They illuminate the flowing minimalist lines that Seb likes, the ornate touches that Kurt loves even though he knows they're on just the wrong side of kitschy, the souvenirs from Ohio and vacations and parties and all the years that have passed between them. Kurt loves taking the credit for how it all pulls together when they're entertaining, but truthfully, Sebastian's presence creeps into all the corners, and to Kurt it feels like what his home should feel like.

Tonight, looking at it, his heart aches.

As Kurt stands there, looking, Sebastian pads across the hardwood floor, his shoes already off.

Before Kurt's aware of it, he's crossed the room after him and is clinging to the front of Sebastian's shirt with both hands.

He buries his head into Sebastian's neck.

Kurt desperately wants to say something, but none of his complicated feelings are translating into words. Because what words do you say to your fiancé of over a year, boyfriend and best friend for just shy of a decade, a fixture in your life for more than a decade—when you've just met the person you're 'meant' for?

Sebastian pulls his shirt free from Kurt's hands, gently but firmly.

The bathroom door closes behind him.

Kurt stands there, staring blankly at the closed door, before wobbling down onto their sofa.

Everything feels so unreal.

He looks down at his hands, at the silver band glinting on his ring finger. That looks surreal too. In fact, the longer he looks, the more it seems to blur in front of him, shards of colors splintering from the reflective surface. He closes his eyes, breathes deeply in, out. In, out.

There's something wet on his face.

In. Out. In. Out.

When he opens his eyes again, groggy and confused, only the end table lamps are on. For a moment, he can't remember why he's on the couch—these days, practically none of their frequent fights are serious enough for anyone to get a stint there—but then it all floods back.

It's all he can do not to vomit.

Instead, he pulls himself up from the couch, letting the throw wrapped around his body fall to the floor. His coat and scarf are hanging up by the door, and his shoes are lined up neatly on the shoe rack for his favorites.

His heart gives a painful squeeze. He didn't think it was possible for him to feel worse, but he does. The bathroom is dark and open. He strains to hear Sebastian, but the apartment's entirely silent.

Kurt moves through his night routine mechanically. He scrubs at his skin under a steaming shower spray, as if he can wash off with the smell of alcohol the rest of his night, and skips his moisturizing routine completely, because for the first time in forever, he doesn't give a damn how he looks tomorrow, because he already knows he'll feel like shit.

When he finally slides into bed, he can make out Sebastian lying on his back on his side of the bed, his hands crossed against his collarbone. His body is still, and his breathing is even, but Kurt knows he's not asleep, because his left index finger is rubbing over the surface of his silver ring, again and again.

There's no more space between them than usual. They both get hot at night, so they usually don't sleep cuddled together, unless it's after the sort of sex that leaves Kurt wanting to claw at Sebastian until he's crawled beneath his skin.

But tonight, Kurt feels every inch of space between them, harder to breach than those last few breaths between them, the first time they kissed.

Kurt closes his eyes and tries to empty his mind, practically begging sleep to come to him quickly.

"I suppose it was about time," Sebastian's voice murmurs suddenly out into the darkness. He breathes out a humorless laugh.

Kurt squeezes his eyes shut tighter.