It's Hard To Be The One Who Stays [Kurtbastian]

What it Means to Stay (October, 2013)

A/N: Prepare for the angst!! Mwahahaha

Sebastian picks up the second time he calls.

"Hey, babe, sorry about that, just got back, " he says, and Kurt's heart sinks. He's starting to really hate hearing that that soft, weary tone in Sebastian's voice. "I was about to call you."

"You're not coming over tonight," Kurt says, and it isn't a question. Next to him, Rachel makes a pitying noise and snuggles closer.

"I can't," Sebastian says, and it doesn't help that he sounds as upset as Kurt. "We have to file an emergency amicus brief tomorrow, so I had to stay late to write up a precedence memo. And I've got a response paper I haven't even started the readings for due tomorrow."

"We've had these plans for a week, Sebastian," he says, and he doesn't mean to sound so vicious, it just comes out that way. "You couldn't have done it any time in the past—"

"We only made these plans because you canceled on me last week," Sebastian bites back. Kurt opens his mouth to retort that it wasn't his fault his show's director called an extra rehearsal last-minute, but Seb sighs, and he sounds so tired all of a sudden that the words wither on Kurt's tongue.

"I did mean to do it early," Seb says. "But I accidentally fell asleep after I came back from conditioning. Then I figured I could do it before our dinner, but the memo came out of nowhere and took fucking forever."

Kurt breathes, and tries to let his anger go. Kurt might wish Sebastian would just choose among lacrosse, internship, pre-law society, and art program volunteering; but he knows Sebastian is busy, and that Sebastian's trying his best, just like he knows he's being hypocritical. He remembers that freshman rush to join anything and everything, when the world's opportunities seemed like they were at your feet. He imagines at Columbia, that would actually be true.

There's a thump and a creak as Sebastian throws himself down on his bed.

"Look, come over Friday," Sebastian says, and he's pressing charm and persuasion into his voice. "I know you've got rehearsal until late, but come over afterwards. The tiny bunk bed sucks, but I can tell Paul to disappear. And you can come with me to the party with the girl's team. I'm supposed to show my face, but if you're not there I might break out into hives at the hetero-ness."

"I can't" tumbles out of Kurt's mouth almost before he's aware of it.

There's a dead silence. He adds, quickly, "Sorry, I just—um, I think I'll be too tired. After."

It sounds weak even to him.

When Sebastian speaks again, the exhaustion's given way to full-blown anger. "What the fuck is your problem, Kurt?" he asks. "You can get on a plane to Ohio, but you can't even bother taking the 1 over? Your single isn't so nice I'm going to keep ditching everything to come! You're not the only one who has a busy life."

"That's not—I know you're busy," Kurt says, stunned, and—and guilty. He knows most of the time, it is Sebastian who comes, but. Kurt really is trying his best too, he just really can't—

He doesn't have the words to describe to Sebastian the way it feels to walk through the gleaming stone and polished wood of his campus. To talk to his teammates and have them call Kurt "Sebastian's girl" while smirking like they think they're being good little liberals. To hear Paul say in a faux put-upon voice that he "went to Exeter" and it was "so basic," as if that name was supposed to mean something to Kurt.

The last time he visited Sebastian, he'd stood in front of his closet and pushed past the perfect skirt to go with his blazer with a pinprick of discomfort. The moment he'd realized what he was doing, Kurt had immediately doubled-back for it and strutted around wearing it the entire afternoon he was at Columbia, but. He'd promised himself, back before he came to New York, that he was never going to be that insecure closeted boy again, and visiting Sebastian always felt like going back in a time machine.