Faded Heart

XXXIII. Until We Go Down

My breath was heavy as tears streamed down my eyes from the effect the nightmare still had on me. Even in my conscious state of mind, I could still see my father swinging the axe towards my head. It all felt too real... Real enough to scare me to the point I felt like I was suffocating... I couldn't make sense of the dream or the world around me right now.

A pair of muscular arms snakes around my waist, "Emerson." A voice belonging to JJ pulls me towards him. "Shh. It's me. I got you.."

As my head hits his bare chest and his arms tightly wrap around my waist, I am reminded that I am back in the real world. Nothing in my dream could hurt me anymore. I was safe.

"Breath." He whispers, running his hands through my long hair. I could still feel myself trembling, but like my breath that was starting to slow down also. "It's not real."

I buried my head into the nook of his shoulder until my tears finally came to a halt. JJ's calloused hands continued to run up and down the length of my hair and back for several minutes. Tears continued to flow from my eyes, but neither of us said anything, but sitting in the comfort of the other's presence.

"You used to have nightmares all the time when you were little, right?" He says in a calm voice. I was a little surprised that he remembered that. This wasn't my first rodeo with waking up from a nightmare, I used to get them all of the time when I was younger. This was just another surprise moment where he paid attention more than I thought he was. "Just give it a few minutes and you'll forget. You never remembered any of those."

Images of my father swinging the axe at my head still run through my hand. Shivers run down my spine, "Yeah, but I don't think I could forget this one. My dad killed me...I don't think I could ever forget that one."

"I get those types of dreams too. Ones where my dad..." The blonde pauses for a moment. His voice hesitant as he tries to find the strength to finish his sentence. "Doesn't stop..."

I reach my hand up and cup his cheek gently. Every mention of his father just made me want to go and hurt him for all the things he's done to JJ. He was a disgrace to humanity. Anyone who hurt kids was. Claudia included as well. I wish more than anything that they all could've had different parents.

"I'm sorry for last night." He sighs, shaking my hand away as a few tears began to streak down the side of his face. "I---I lost it. I just can't take him anymore."

"I know." I nod. "You shouldn't have to go through this."

"I was going to kill him, Emerson. Inches away from doing it twice. But both times I couldn't bring myself to do it. I thought what you might think, what our friends might think if I was a murderer. I couldn't go through with it. As close as I was to pulling the trigger, I couldn't do it. I want to be a better person and do the right thing, but it just seems like no matter what I can't. You deserve someone so much better. Someone who isn't going to ruin--"

I immediately cut him off, "You aren't ruining anyone's life and you aren't a bad person. You're far from it. I don't care what you did or do. It's never anything you can't move forward from. Your dad hurt you and you're in pain, but remember you're strong." I plead, trying to get him to finally understand the way that I see him. In the short time that we've been together, I've been trying to make him see what I saw in him. It pained me to see how much his father had affected his self confidence. On the outside JJ does a good job of trying to appear confident and strong, but he was always so quick to put himself down or blame everything on himself.

His sadness fades for a moment and a momentary grin appears on his face, "Emerson, I just told you I was ready to murder my dad twice, but you still somehow manage to find ways to see the good in me."