Bruised Knuckles and Empty Lies

Chapter 11

Alex's POV

TW!!!!!! Sexual assault

"Alexis, I'm ready for you," Father Jared announced to the whole three people, including me, in the church. I stood up carefully with my bag over my shoulder, trying not to irritate my bruised knees even further, and I followed Father Jared into his office, hearing him close and lock the door behind us.

"Please, sit," he told me, so I did. This chair specifically will be the death of me. I fished my journal out of my bag, handing it across the desk to him. Father Jared snatched it with more anger than usual. No, not anger. Frustration, maybe? I couldn't place it, though. He didn't even bother reading it. Instead, he dropped it on his desk and folded his hands on top of it.

"Take out your Bible." So I did, and I placed it in front of me on his desk. "Open to Leviticus 20:13." I flipped through for a few seconds, earning a sigh from Father Jared. "Hurry up, will you?" he snapped. Finally, I found the right page. "Now read it, out loud."

"'If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them,'" I recited, anger started to swell in my mind.

"You read, yet you don't truly believe. Again." So I read it again. And again. And again. I read it over and over, only earning a sharp "Again!" after each one, until I stopped reading, and he paused. I waited for him to tell me to read it again, swallowing a few times to try to soothe my scratchy throat. I would kill for some water right now. We spent a full minute in silence, before he told me, "Move your chair to the side of the room and kneel down in the middle. Take your Bible." Oh. This was new. I did as I was told, holding the Bible in front of myself with both hands. It was heavier than I remembered, but I powered through. I had to.

"If you drop your Bible, we will start over. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Father," I replied. Oh god. I tried to clear my mind and not run through the endless scenarios that were about to take place.

"Start reading on a loop. Don't stop until I tell you." So I started.

"'If a man lies with a male as with a woman-'" I recited, watching him walk slowly behind me. As I continued, I could feel his eyes trained on me. My breathing sped up, and I hoped he didn't notice. I kept my voice as steady as I could as the minutes rolled by, and nothing happened. The idea that at any second he could snap crept into my mind. I pushed it out as fast as I could. If I kept thinking like that, it would drive me crazy.

I heard him move behind me. It almost sounded like he had knelt down behind me. Then, I felt a hand traveling up my thigh. My voice quickened, but I kept reading. I had to. No. No, this can't be happening. No no no no. Come on, Alex, calm down. We have to stay calm if we're gonna get through this. We can fall apart later. Come on, just keep reading. Tears flooded my cheeks as his hand only reached higher, up my dress, then sliding my underwear down. A choked sob escaped my mouth, but I kept reading. I sped up and messed up the words and tears fell onto the pages, smudging the print, but I kept reading. I kept reading even as his fingers fondled me, entering into me without consent. He let out a moan, and I let out a quiet cry of defeat. Focus on the words. Focus. On. The. Words. I tried as hard as I could, I really did, but I couldn't hold it together. I was sobbing, reciting the words as best as I could. He pushed and pulled and sped up and it hurt. It hurt like a bitch, and I couldn't do anything about it.

Once he was finally finished, he pulled my underwear back up, stood up, and simply told me, "Stop." I let the Bible fall from my hands as sobs wracked my body. I used my hands to brace myself against the ground. "You have exactly one minute to compose yourself and stand up." Shame flooded my cheeks. Come on, calm down, and get out. Just pretend to pull it together and you can leave. I took a deep breath and stood up. My breathing was still ragged, but I wiped the tears from my face and made an attempt to slow my breathing down. It didn't work as well as I hoped, but he was satisfied enough with it.

"Look at me. Now," he demanded. I met eyes with the monster in front of me. "If this is not strictly kept between us, then I will be forced to release this." He turned his computer monitor toward me. I saw a soundless video of what just happened. You could see my face clearly, but his was covered in shadows. You couldn't even tell who he was. My hands immediately went to cover my mouth. Come on. Pull it together. A few more seconds and he'll let you go.

"Do you understand?" he asked. I nodded. I didn't trust myself to speak. "I'll see you next week." Oh god. I'm gonna have to do this again. He sat down at his desk, putting my journal inside one of his desk drawers. I took that as my cue to leave. I slowly grabbed my bag, shaking, and dropped my Bible inside before unlocking and opening the door. My movements were slow and unsteady. It didn't hurt to walk, but it sure as hell felt uncomfortable. I closed the door behind me as soundlessly as I could. Pulling my hair tie out, I shook my hair down to fall partially in front of my face. The Sunday rosary group had just come in, so I had to keep my head down and make it to the door. I walked down the aisle, speeding up. Breathing no longer came naturally to me. I had to remind myself that I could. Before I knew it, I was breathing too quickly too hard. I pushed open the door and felt an attack coming on. Fuck, I forgot my earbuds at home.

Everything felt like a movie. Was this real? Did that happen? Wait what's happening? An attack. Tons of thoughts flooded my brain, but I couldn't make sense of any of them. It was like I was listening to twenty people all speaking different languages at once. Screaming. They were screaming. Or was I? Wait. What do I do? Grounding, right. Grounding. I collapsed against the stone wall a few feet away from the church entrance. My head spun, and I couldn't tell if I was still breathing. I subconsciously put my knees up, put my head between my knees, and covered my ears with my shaking hands. This was the safest position I could be in. Why didn't I feel safe? Why didn't I feel anything but the blood pumping through my veins and his hands on me. Oh god.

"Get off." Did I say that out loud? Was it? There was no way for me to know. A voice came from somewhere near me. It sounded muddy, like there was a brick wall between me and whoever was talking. Come one, Alex, focus. Focus on the voice. I zeroed in on it long enough to recognize it was Derek before completely shutting down again.