Bruised Knuckles and Empty Lies

Chapter 21

TW: self-harm mentions!!! 

please read the author's note at the end :)

Alex's POV

Was this what rock bottom feels like? That's what I wondered as Derek, my new foster dad, drove me to his place. He tried asking me questions trying to figure out my mental state, but he stopped after a while when he realized I wasn't going to answer any of them. I was too exhausted, mentally and physically, to feel bad about ignoring him like that, and I knew he could tell.

When we got to his place, he unlocked the door and opened it, waiting for me to walk in first. Only, I was too occupied with keeping bad thoughts away to remember that this is what he always does.

"Alex?" Derek's voice seemed to plead with me, hoping that I'd look him in the eye. I couldn't, not yet, at least. I'd let myself get too attached too quickly, and I don't exactly have the best track record with foster fathers. I only have a little while longer before I age out, then I'm out of here for good. I don't know where exactly or with what money, but I'll figure it out. I'll have to.

I walked inside with Derek following behind me, closing and locking the front door. It smelled like Derek here. When people talked about things "smelling like home," I never knew what they meant. Now, I think I was starting to figure it out. Wait, no. I can't do this. I can't do this to myself again because it's not home and it will never be home. I've never had one, so why start now if it'll just end up being another temporary place to live?

"Any dinner requests?" Derek asked out of nowhere. I almost forgot he was here. I shook my head. "Okay. Go get yourself cleaned up while I make something." He sounded...defeated, like he wasn't himself. I slowly walked toward the bathroom, but before I got there, I turned around, looking at Derek. I couldn't quite meet his eyes, but he didn't seem to mind.

"Derek?" I said, timidly.

"Yeah, babygirl?"

"Thank you." That was all I could get out for now, but that seemed to ease his nerves a little, so it was worth it. I turned back around and made my way into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. God, I missed being able to lock a door. My relief was short lived. When I looked in the mirror, I looked like the victim of a brutal murder. Blood, bruising, and not to mention my disheveled hair and dark bags under my eyes. Jesus Christ. I wasted no time washing the blood off before combing through my hair with my fingers as best as I could. When I was done, I still looked like I was hit by a cement mixer, but hey, it was better than before.

A knock on the bathroom door made me jump out of my skin. My heart pounded, but thankfully, I was able to keep my breathing under control. With shaking hands, I unlocked the door and slowly opened it, revealing Derek holding some clothes.

"These'll be big on you, but they'll have to do for tonight until we can pick up your stuff in the morning. You can throw your dirty clothes in the hamper, okay sweetheart?" I nodded in reply. Derek let out a deep breath. I could tell he wanted to say something else, but he didn't, so neither did I as he turned and walked back down the hallway. I closed the door, placing the small stack of clothes onto the counter connected to the sink and started undressing, leaving me in nothing but a bra and panties. My long sleeves stuck to my forearms. I pulled them off as I winced in pain as the fabric ripped off the semi-healed scabs from earlier today. I wondered if Derek had any bandages, but I wasn't about to ask. I didn't want him to worry any more than he already did.

Unfortunately for me, I didn't have to tell him. When I was changing, I quickly realized that he has given me a pair of socks, boxer shorts, and a short sleeved t-shirt. He's gonna go ballistic when he sees, but there wasn't anything I could do about that now, so I got dressed and left the bathroom, dropping my bloody, dirty clothes in the hamper next to the door.

As soon as I stepped out of the bathroom, I took a deep breath, smelling whatever Derek was cooking. Whatever it was made my stomach growl, so I took another deep breath and went into the kitchen. Derek only seemed mildly surprised that I was joining him in there. Well, I guess if I was going to be living here, I might as well make myself at home and try to ease the awkward tension. Granted, I was probably the one making it awkward. Whatever. I hopped up onto the counter and peered into the different pots and pans that Derek had on the stove.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Derek finally asked, breaking the silence.

"Not right now," I mumbled.

"Okay." Derek grabbed a glass out of the cupboard, filled it with water, and wordlessly handed it to me. I nodded a thanks before bringing the cup to my lips. I didn't get a chance to drink anything though. Before I knew it, the glass was yanked out of my hands and my forearms were stretched out in front of me, held firmly in place by Derek's hands.

"Babygirl," Derek sighed after an agonizing ten seconds of him staring in silence. My eyes filled with tears. Suddenly, I didn't feel so numb anymore, but seeing the look on his face, god I wished I couldn't feel a thing. Tears filled his eyes as he looked into mine. His numb ran soundlessly over the biggest one. "Why?" That was all he could bring himself to say as the tears started to fall. I sniffed once, trying to keep my emotions inside, but I knew I couldn't hold it in for much longer.

"I...I can still...I still feel him...his hands-" my voice broke, and so did I. I cried, searching for something, anything, in Derek's eyes. Without hesitation, he pulled me into a tight hug. There we were, crying, hugging, holding each other up as the food burned on the stove. We didn't care though. We didn't pay it any attention. This was all that mattered right now. This was all we could do for each other. This was enough.

Author's Note: I just wanted to say thank you so so so much for all the love and support and comments!!! I might not reply to all of them, but I read every single one, and I'm seriously so grateful for all you guys, girls, and enbys reading!! Love you all!! Please stay safe, and I'm sending positive vibes your way <3