Deeper into You

Chapter 6: Never Fall In Love With Me

Loving is a risk, its taking that step and holding on to an uncertain promise. It’s a journey filled with highs and lows. So if love is really true it isn’t supposed to make you weak but it is meant to make you stronger. 

Lorenzo’s POV

I don’t know what came into me. why did I have to take her. aaminin ko I am possessive of Katelyn kaya nagalit ako nang ganon but it was never my intention na paabutin sa ganito ang lahat pero hindi ko narin kasi mapigilan ang sarili ko. Kahit hindi ako marunong magmahal, Katelyn has always been special to me.

One last thrust and I know I am about to come I know I should pull it out because believe it or not this is my first ever unsafe intercourse and I’m scared to get her pregnant. I was about to pull when I felt I was about to release when she said the lines has shaken my whole world.

“I love you Lorenzo”

I heard her say and just like that I felt I have released everything inside her. I was breathless when it was finished I silently rolled to her side. Napatulala na lang ako. I can’t even find the right words to say. I felt her sob, hindi na niya marahil napigilan ang umiyak. Natakot ako, all these years na magkasama kami ni Kately ngayon ko lang nakita at narinig siyang umiyak. It scared the hell out of me. maingat akong tumayo sa kama at pinulot ang aking mga hinubad na damit. I didn’t gave her another glance because seeing her crying like that just pains me more.

Agad kong sinuot ang aking mga damit not minding if she was looking at me. I turned my back and head towards the door. I stopped when she called out my name softly.

“Enzo….”

“no Katelyn… you cannot fall in love with your master…” I said to her coldly at tumuloy na akong lumabas ng aking silid.

I felt so weak leaving her like that, I felt so bad, ang sama-sama kong tao dahil sinaktan ko siya. She told me she loves me but what was my respond? Tama… hindi ako pwedeng mahalin ni Kate. She can’t love a person like me. I have always known her, the moment nagkaroon ako ng malay sa mundong ginagalawan ko I already knew her. We particularly grew up together.

And it’s true, I grew up being dependent of her, pakiramdam ko she is all I have na mamasabi kong hindi hiram. I feel like she was the best gift ever given to me dahil sa kaniya nakadepende ang buong buhay ko. It hurts my f*cking ego but yes its true walang Lorenzo Emilio Tan ngayon kung walang Katelyn Reyes. She was the most pure hearted person I know and loving me will only cause her so much pain, and will taint her pure heart.

Alam kong maraming nagtataka at nagtatanong why I became the Lorenzo that I am now. The cold hearted Enzo, ang isang taong hindi marunong ngumiti, hindi marunong maging masaya at higit sa lahat hindi marunong magmahal. I was never really like this before. I think I was 10 years old when I stopped being normal. I guess it’s because I am different… different in what sense? I am neither my father nor my mother’s child.

About 16 years ago:

I was helping Kate clean in the garden when she accidentally cut herself with the scissors, hindi naman ganon kalalim but I told her I’ll just get the first aid kit inside the mansion and instruct her to wait for me. bata pa lang kami siya na ang madalas kong kasama, I don’t know why pero mas magaan ang loob ko sa kaniya kesa sa mga sarili kong kapatid. Maybe because since then I already feel I was really different from them.

I passed by the library going upstairs in my room ng hindi ko sinasadayang marining si mom at dad na nag-uusap. I was about to go on but I heard my name so I decide to stay for a while.

“naiisip mo nanaman ba si Miranda? We did everything we could Michael.” My mom told my dad.

There was a hint of sadness in her voice. Miranda? That was the first time I heard her name.

“Hindi mo maaalis sa akin na maisip siya Elisa. Habang lumalaki si Enzo ay mas lalo kong nakikita si Miranda sa kaniya. Enzo reminds me so much of Miranda.” I heard my dad answered.

Hindi ko alam pero bigla akong kinabahan. Sino si Miranda at ano ang relation niya sa akin. pinigilan ko ang sarili kong humakbang papasok sa library at tanungin sila. hindi ko alam kung handa ba akong marinig ang lahat. I felt scared and curious at the same time.

“Lorenzo is already 10, don’t you think it’s about time to tell him the truth? Mabait at matalinong bata si Enzo I am sure maiintindihan niya.” I heard my mom said again.

Gustong-gusto ko nang magtanong pero naduduwag ako. I want to know, I want to understand kung ano ba talaga ang pinag-uusapan nila.

“no Elisa, anak ko si Lorenzo! hindi man siya dugo at laman ko, anak ko parin siya at walang magbabago dun.” My dad sounded scared and frustrated.

“pero matalinong bata si Enzo, Michael. Nararamdaman ko na hindi magtatagal ay magtatanong siya, magtataka at malalaman niya ang totoo. kahit minahal natin siya na parang tunay nating anak alam mo na may karapatan siyang malaman ang katotohanan.”

Just like that parang tumigil ang lahat. when I heard mom said those line pakiramdam ko nagdilim ang buong mundo ko. kung hindi pala ako ang inakala kong ako… sino  pala talaga ako? ang gulo, gusto ko na lang tumakbo, tumakas at lumayo. Hindi ko alam kung iiyak ba ako o magagalit, naguunahan ang lahat ng nararamdaman at lahat ng katanungan sa puso at isip ko.

“anong dapat kong malaman?” hindi ko namalayang nakapasok na pala ako sa loob ng library. Kitang-kita ko ang pagka gulat sa mga mata ng mga kinikilala kong mga magulang. Hindi makaimik si mom gusto niya akong lapitan at yakapin pero hindi ako pumayag. Bumalot ang sakit sa puso ko. kasinunglingan lang pala ang lahat, ang buong buhay ko ay isang malaking kasinungalingan lamang.

“anak…” I heard my mom’s voice broke down. She was already crying still not knowing where to start explaining. Habang si dad ay napayuko na lamang tila nag-iisip kung paano ipapaliwanag sa akin ang lahat.

“hindi niyo ako anak. Alam ko na bakit hindi niyo ipaliwanag sa akin ang lahat? nasan ang mga tunay kong magulang? Bakit nila ako pinamigay? Sino ba talaga ako?” sunod-sunod kong tanong na hindi narin mapigil ang panginginig sa aking boses. Gusto ko nang umiyak pero pinilit kong maging matatag.

Hinding-hindi ko malilimutan ang araw na iyon dahil ang araw na iyon ang bumago sa lahat, sa buong pagkatao ko. That day made me the person that I am now. Ever since that day I was never the same Enzo at kung meron mang isang tao na nakakita at nakaramdam ng malaking pagbabagong iyon ay walang iba kung hindi si Katelyn.

She saw me cried so hard that day but I didn’t tell her anything. Wala akong pinagsabihan and everything was kept a secret. Hindi ko alam kung hangang kailan ko matatago ang tunay kong pagkatao kahit maging sa mga kinikilala kong mga kapatid. Masakit, ang hirap tanggapin na parang lahat ng meron ako ngayon ay hiram at hindi sa akin. kahit nasasaktan ako hindi ako nagalit sa mga kinilala kong mga magulang, sa pamilyang kumupkop at nag aruga sa akin dahil para sa akin ang lahat lahat ang meron ako at ang buong ako ay isang malaking utang na habang-buhay ko nang pagbabayaran sa kanila.

I used to believe in love, I used to be happy but now… I realize that love makes you weak, love will only cause you so much pain and love will kill you. I told myself I will never allow myself to fall in love and I will never allow anyone to fall in love with me dahil isa lamang akong malaking kasalanan, isang malaking pagkakamali.

The day I stopped believing in love I remember asking Kate if she ever believe in true love and she just told me…

“ha? ang bata-bata pa natin para sa love love na yan pero alam mo ba sabi sa akin ni mama ang bawat princessa daw may nakalaan na prinsepe na magmamahal sa kaniya. syempre pangarap ko na makilala ko yung tao na yun. yung taong magmamahal at makakasama kong tuparin lahat ng mga pangarap ko.” she said with so much innocence.

I don’t know why I answered her the way I did back then but now I realize why I told her every word I said 16 years ago and those were…

“Katelyn… Promise me that you will never fall in love with me.”