Deeper into You

Chapter 8: So Empty

Enzo’s POV

I felt like my whole world crushed down on me the moment she walked away. I wanted to grab her hand and make her stay with me pero mali eh. This is not right, we are both hurting and I don’t want to see the pain in her eyes. Akala ko pag pinigilan ko ang sarili kong magmahal hindi ko na mararamdaman yung sakit, yung takot pero nagkamail yata ako kasi mas masakit yung nararamdaman ko ngayon kesa nung unang beses na nalaman kong ampon ako. Maybe because right now I felt all alone and I was really left out, like I was really born to be alone.

The next day I just know something is different. Maybe if I beg her to stay she will, I have one last chance.

“Katelyn…” tawag ko sa kaniya. she was already about to leave. I saw her putting her clothes sa maleta niya. The door of her room is open kaya pumasok na ako. kahit sa huling pagkakataon masabi ko ang gusto kong masabi sakaniya. 

“yung pagkain mo po Sir Enzo hinanda ko na. binilinan ko na sila Manang Lori at ang ibang kasambahay maging si Jenna. Kaya kung may kailangan ka po sir Enzo, sabihin mo lang sa kanila.” she said without even looking at me.

Gusto kong umiyak, she was actually saying goodbye. Hindi ko alam na ganito pala magiging kasakit na mawala siya. All my life I knew her, I was with her pero ngayon ko lang naramdaman that it was really possible. Possible nga pala talagang iwan niya ako. I never felt this pain until now, lagi na lang bang ganito? yung lahat ng inaakala mong sayo ay babawiin na lang ng basta-basta. Shit ang sakit lang kasi talaga yung iwan ka, like I am not worthy of anything. Una ang mga tunay kong magulang tapos ngayon si Kate naman.

“Kate pwede ba tayo mag-usap?” I was my old self. Nawala na lahat ng harang na pilit kong tinayo sa sarili ko. I was weak, I am vulnerable and I am hurting… so much.

“kung tungkol sa pag-alis ko, wala ka nang magagawa para pigilan ako. aalis ako hindi para sayo kundi para sa sarili ko kaya parang awa mo na… itigil mo na ang lahat ng ito.” I saw her almost in tears pero nakita ko how determined she really is. Ganon ko ba talaga siya nasaktan para gustuhin niyang iwan na lang ako?

That is the reason why I didn’t want her to fall in love with me dahil masasaktan lang siya, dahil magiging mahina siya at dahil sa huli iiwan din lang niya ako tulad ang tunay kong ina.

“hindi ko kayang wala ka…” yah I have to admit it to her. dahil yun naman talaga ang totoo eh. Ever since the day I found out who I am… Kate became my everything. sinara ko man ang sarili at puso ko sa mga taong nakapaligid sa akin pero hindi kay Kate, she was all I have. I live because of her. She was the reason why I wake up every day and I don’t know what to call it but I don’t want to call it love.

“pero hindi ko narin kasi kayang masaktan Enzo… this love I have for you? hindi na tama ito… hindi tama kasi nasasaktan ako and if loving starts getting this painful then it’s not love at all and the only thing left to do is to let it go.” I saw tears fell down her eyes pero agad niyang pinunasan iyon gamit ang likod ng kaniyang kamay. She was not looking at me, alam kong iniiwasan niya akong tingnan. 

“If I beg… will you stay?” I was so desperate hindi ko na alam gagawin ko. pinipigilan kong umiyak pero I know I was about too.

“wag Enzo… don’t beg. Save yourself from the pain, don’t beg because I will leave anyway.” I saw her face gets strong. Alam kong wala na akong magagawa to make her stay, siya narin nag sabi she will leave me anyway pero sa unang beses sa buong buhay ko… I will beg… I will beg her to stay.

Lumuhod ako sa harap niya at kasabay ng paglapat ng mga tuhod ko sa lupa ay kasabay din bumagsak ang mga luha ko sa aking mga mata. Ang sakit… this is how it feels like to beg, to beg people to stay and love you, ganito pala kasakit pero why did I do it? Because if I had the chance to do it before bago ako iniwan ng nanay ko, ginawa ko na. I would have begged my real mom to stay and just take care of me even if I knew she will never stay or maybe she will… I don’t know and I will never have the chance to find out.

“please don’t leave Kate…” I cried like I have never cried for so long. After 16 years I finally cried again this hard and kahit sobrang sakit a part of my heart felt good dahil finally after a long time masasabi kong tao parin pala ako dahil nasasaktan ako… it’s like setting myself free slowly and painfully.

She hold me in my arms at pilit niya akong tinayo. I followed kahit alam kong pagtayo ko iiwan parin niya ako.

“goodbye Enzo. alagaan mo sarili mo and whatever you are going through right now at kahit pa pilit mong kinukulong ang sarili mo sa sarili mong mundo. Tatandaan mo na marami kaming nagmamahl sayo. One of these days we will both realize why it has to end this way. kahit na iwanan kita ngayon lagi mong tatandaan sa puso at isip mo na… Mahal kita...”

All of my fears just came rushing all over me and there was no escape. Everything that surrounded me stopped, tumigil ang ikot ng mundo ko. I don’t know how can I go on… parang hindi ko na yata kayang mabuhay. I felt so scared waking up every morning knowing Katelyn will no longer be there. I always felt fine kahit, naging masakit ang katotohanan tungkol sa pagkatao ko… I felt fine because I always knew she was there beside me but now… everything just felt so empty.