Deeper into You

Chapter 11: Mahal Kita

Kate’s POV

Like what my master’s wish sinama ko siya sa paglibot sa farm. It has become a hobby of mine since the day na pumunta ako dito sa hacienda na libutin ang farm bago magdilim para narin mapanood ko ang sunset, my favorite part of the day. Life in the farm is simple but there is always that sense of contentment. It changed the way I see life but then again it was never really complete because I know that he was missing.

“You do this every day?” tanong sa akin ni Enzo habang naglalakad kami papunta sa may burol kung saan madalas kong panoodin ang paglubog ng araw.

“Yup, since the day I first came here.” Simple sagot ko lang at iniwas ang tingin sa kaniya.

“I wish I have this kind of sight back in the metro. It could have been easier to think that we are not too far apart because we are looking at the same exact thing.”

His tone was serious but I always sense this sadness, like he was longing for something but didn’t want to assume anything. The very last thing I wanted to do right now ay ang umasa dahil masyado ng naging masakit ang lahat.

“The day you left akala ko mamamatay na ako, like there was no more tomorrow. I felt like I lost everything and then one day I just woke up and I realized when the world you know starts crushing down it only means you have to start from the very beginning. Hindi ko alam kung paano magsisimula ng wala ka, all my life you were always there. The very first time my world crushed down, nakaya kong magsimula ulit dahil alam kong nandyan ka. I built my whole world around you like you were all that mattered to me kaya pinilit kong protectahan ka sa isang bagay na alam kong sisisra sa ating 2. Pero nagkamali ako because it wasn’t your love for me that destroyed everything that we have… it was my own selfishness, my fears, my own personal issues.”

I didn’t expect him to say this much, to finally he open up after so many years. I know all along that he was hiding something but that didn’t stop me from loving him pero bakit ngayon pa? bakit ngayon pa niya sinasabi ang lahat ng ito ganong napuno na ng takot ang puso ko. takot na akong sumubok, takot na akong mahulog pa ng mas malalim sa kaniya dahil takot akong baka hindi ko na kayang umahon. Natatakot na akong maramdaman yung umasa kang sasaluhin ka pero sa huli ay bibitawan ka at hahayaan kang mag-isa. ang sakit at ang hirap lang kasi kaya kung pwede lang hindi na marinig ang lahat ng sasabihin niya dahil masyado nang takot ang puso kong umasa at magmahal pa.

I tried to walk away from him dahil ayaw ko nang marinig ang mga susunod niyang sasabihin. Pero naramdaman ko ang paghawak niya sa braso ko and just like that he hugged me from behind he was planting small kisses on my head and smelling my hair like he missed my scent so much. all my defenses just started melting down. Anim na buwan kong pilit na sinisiksik sa puso at isip ko na wala na, na kakalimutan ko na ang nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya pero ito ako ngayon muling nahuhulog sa kaniya ng dahil lang sa isang yakap niya. I closed my eyes as tears slowly fall down my eyes.

“wag Enzo… tama na, hindi ko na kasi alam kung kakayanin ko pang madagdagan yung sakit. Hayaan mo na akong maging malaya sayo… wag mo nang hayaang umasa ulit ako. please just let me go.” Pagmamaka-awa ko sa kaniya. I felt him hugged me tighter and he sobbed. He was also crying but why?

“hindi ko narin kaya Katelyn… takot narin akong mawala ka sa akin ulit. Hindi ko din alam kung kakayanin ko pang mabuhay pag umalis ka ulit. I just can’t let you go again sobrang sakit na.” he was crying.

“hindi ako isang bagay na pwede mong angkinin Enzo. May damdamin din akong nasasaktan, may puso akong nagmamahal at umaasa. Hindi mo pwedeng sabihin sa akin ang lahat ng yan dahil lang nasasaktan ka kasi paano naman ako Enzo?” I pulled all my strength para makaalis sa yakap niya at humarap ako sa kaniya. he just bowed down his head still crying like me.

“nasasaktan din ako… masakit din para sa akin ito. kahit minsan man lang sa buhay mo maisip mo sana na tao din ako… hindi ko kaya ng ganito. kung hindi mo ako kayang mahalin pwede bang maki-usap na wag mo naman akong saktan ng ganito?” I don’t know why we came to this point. I was hurting but it pains me to see him crying too.

Gusto ko nang bawiin ang lahat ng sinabi ko at hayaan na lang ang sarili kong mahalin siya kahit na hindi niya ako kayang mahalin pero paano naman ako?  lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko because of loving him just came rushing on me. I lose every control I have and I just broke down in tears, hindi ko na namalayang nasaktan ko siya, like it was the only way to lessen the pain. I slapped him hard, hindi ko na alam kung saan pa dumapo ang mga kamay ko but he just took every blow. Hindi siya umiwas and he just accepted it. I felt like all the energy inside my body just drained. Nawalan na ako ng lakas I just stopped kahit ang mga luha ko bigla na lang tumigil sa pag tulo. I saw him stared at me, walang galit na mababakas sa kaniyang mukha like he took every blow because he deserved it.

“alam kong kulang pa ang lahat ng ito para mawala lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman mo… I will take everything just to make you stay here with Me.” he sounded like the day I left him; he sounded like he was begging. 

Tumalikod na ako sa kaniya dahil hindi ko na kaya pang pakinggan ang lahat. ito na ang huli beses hahayaan kong masaktan ang sarili ko ng dahil sa pagmamahal ko sa kaniya.

“itigil mo na toh. Tama na Enzo.” I firmly told him. He didn’t say another word and I took it as if he was already letting me go but when I finally took my first step away from him he said something that made my heart stopped beating.

“Mahal na mahal kita Katelyn…”