Deeper into You

Chapter 9: As Long As You Are Here

Don’t let the fear of getting hurt stop you from loving and being loved because a man, who never loved, never lived at all.  

Enzo’s POV 

Hours, days, weeks and yes months have passed. Akala ko nga isang buwan lang pero its exactly 6 months now since she left and since that day… I live and die every day.

“alam mo bro dapat noon ka pa nag file ng leave mo eh. You badly need it besides since you started working for our company never ka pang humingi ng mahabang bakasyon. I am so glad you are finally taking a vacation.” my older brother Edward told me. He is currently the president of our company.

Yes finally after so many years I decided I needed a break. I want to have at least a month of vacation to maybe at least find myself, go after that person… the person that taught me everything i know now. To be with her again if she decides to take me back I hope she will cause another day without her just feels so hallow, so empty and meaningless. 

“I have been thinking this past months kung dapat ko na bang sabihin itong gumugulo sa isip ko. I thought maybe now is the perfect time for me to finally say it to you.” i said. 

There is this one thing I am dying to tell my brother I just couldn’t seem to find the right words and the strength to tell him. These past months when Kate left me I started slowly to learn how to live my own life. It was hard, like a baby trying to learn how to walk. My first steps were very painful because I had to accept the truth. I needed to accept who I really am, I tried forgiving myself and the people that left and hurt me. I couldn’t say I am fully healed but at least now I am able to accept who I am and I am finally seeing the reasons why it all has to end this way.

“You were always the quiet one, the person who locked himself up to other people including us, your own family.  Pero alam mo bro? even if you try so hard to push everyone away hindi nag bago ang tingin ko sayo. I loved you like my true brother Enzo and nothing will change that, not even when you feel that you are different from us.” Kuya Edward gave me an assuring smile.

Sa totoo lang nagulat ako, I always try to practice every line kung paano ko sasabihin sa mga kapatid ko ang totoo only to find out that he knew it all along and tulad ng sinabi niya walang nagbago. I felt so stupid because all this time pinili kong maging malungkot mag-isa, pinili kong ilayo ang sarili ko sa kanila because I always believe I was different, when the truth is they accepted me for who I am. Ako lang ang nagkulong sa sarili ko, I prevented myself from loving because I always think that loving will only cause you pain because eventually iiwan ka din ng mga taong minamahal mo ng sobra. I stopped believing in love ganong lahat ng taong nakapaligid sa akin ay walang ginawa kung hindi mahalin ako. How stupid could I really be?

I felt so ashamed of myself that very moment. Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong isagot sa kuya ko. He knew it all along yet he accepted and loved me. I always thought walang magmamahal sa akin dahil sarili ko ngang ina hindi ako mahal at hindi ako tinanggap pero bakit ganon, the people I end up hurting are the ones who are loving me so much. 

“Lorenzo… go after her, win her back. Don’t be scared to love because love is the most incredible feeling in this world. It is beyond words and the moment you feel that love in your heart welcome it. Don’t let the fear of getting hurt stop you from loving and being loved, because a man, who never loved, never lived at all.  

I always keep my brother’s words not only in my mind but in my heart and it’s just like a song that constantly replays on my mind all the time at ngayon nga while I am staring at her from the distance naalala ko nanaman ang mga sinabing iyon ni Kuya.

Yes you heard me right I am currently staring at her right this very moment. Its officially the start of my vacation and what better place to go than to go where my heart and my world is…and she is there staring at the sky. Ever since we were young I have always admired her beauty but I never have once told her how beautiful she really is, even if she was with me every waking day. I could have told her everyday but I was so stupid kaya ayan ngayon I am finding it hard to tell her she is beautiful and that I have fallen deeply in love with her and everyday it just gets deeper.

“Hi!” yah that was all that came out of my mouth when I finally went closer to her.

Kitang-kita sa mukha niya kung gaano siya kagulat. She was literally out for words at bahagya pang nakabuka ang bibig niya. oh those lips, they’re very inviting kung alam lang niya kung ganno ko kagustong halikan siya ngayon pero pipigilan ko hangang kaya ko.

“s—ssir Enzo? ano pong ginagaw niyo dito?” she was stammering, hindi ko alam kung kinakabahan ba siya o natatakot siya sa akin. I tried to make her relax by giving her a very sweet smile.

Nakita kong kumunot ang noo niya, nagulat siguro dahil marunong pala akong ngumiti. Ang cute cute niya ang sarap kurutin ng mapula-pula niyang pisngi. Gusto kong matawa sa itsura niya pero baka mainis pa siya sa akin at iwan nanaman ako.

“As far as I know farm namin ito so I have the right to be here.”

Yah, my mom told me that Kate is currently working in our farm. Ang ate Eunice ko ang tumutuloy sa farm but currently she and her family is on vacation abroad so si Katelyn ang kasalukuyang nag-aasikaso sa farm business namin. I must say she is doing great and I am proud of her. siguro dito niya binuhos lahat ng oras niya para maiwasang isipin ako, ang tungkol sa amin.

“po? Ang ibig ko lang pong sabihin kasi… hindi man lang kayo nagbilin na dadating kayo, sana nakapagpahanda po ako ng hapunan.” Paiwas na sabi niya.

"ok lang, I don’t mind eating anything you guys eat here. Mas masarap nga malamang ang mga pagkain niyo dito sa farm kasi fresh lahat. I am excited to try everything.” masaya kong sabi. I just want her to feel comfortable pero parang mas lalo lang siyang umiiwas sa akin.

“ahh ganon po ba? Sige ipapahanda ko na po ang lamesa sa mansyon kung ganon. So how long will you be staying here sir? Para masabihan ko po ang mga trabahador at kasambahay dito sa farm.” She formally asked at tumalikod na sa akin at naglakad na papunta sa bahay.

“hmmmm… as long as you are here.”