Taming Alliston

Chapter 9

Alliston

I woke up feeling so exhausted. Yung tipong kagigising ko pa lang pero tinatamad na ako bumangon sa higaan. Nakakapagod din pala yung paulit-ulit na kahungkagan na nararamdaman mo araw-araw.

I just want to sleep all day. Get lost. Do nothing. For once, I want to stop pretending I am okay. I want to say I am not and get all the pity I can get. Baka pag naawa sila, hindi na nila ako iwan.

"Alli?"

Pumikit ako ulit bago pa makapasok si Hariette sa kwarto. We had a terrible fight last night.

Parang nagtutubig na naman ulit yung mata ko pagkaalala ng away namin. It was the worst fight I ever had with her or to anyone. Ang masakit pa, kailangan pa namin magsumbatan after pinpointing one another's flaw. But at the end of the day, it is clear that Hariette is no longer into choosing me.

She's saying she's mine when her heart, mind, body, and soul belongs to someone else.

"Alli, I know you're already awake. Hindi ka pa ba nagugutom? Hindi ka nagdinner kagabi."

I felt Hariette's weight at the right side of the bed. Umupo ito doon at hinaplos yung pisngi ko.

Nagtatampong tinabig ko yung kamay nya at saka dumapa ng kama para di nya makita na naiiyak na naman ako.

She will leave me soon. I know. Kagaya din sya ni Kyeroh. Iiwan nya din ako. After giving all my best to make her feel so secured and loved, in the end, she will also not going to choose me. Pare-pareho lang sila.

Dama ko yung paghiga ni Hariette sa kama. Pati na din yung masuyo nitong pagkabig sakin palapit dito.

"Are you still mad at me?" Bulong pa nito.

Naiiling na pinahid ko yung luha ko. Pag umiyak na naman ako baka makunsensya na naman ito. I can't always play that card on her.

"Am I not enough, Rie? Will you leave me too?"

Ngumiti lang si Hariette habang nakayakap pa din sakin.

"Ano ka ba, Alliston. Stop overthinking. I am still your Rie. I won't leave you. I am still your bestfriend."

She still looks the same. She still feels the same. But what's strange is that I feel like a villain trying to chain her. I feel like an antagonist in her story when all I did is to protect and make her happy after her devastation over Grant.

Why are you changing, Rie? You told me you won't hurt me but now you're breaking my broken heart into tiny pieces again.

"But you love Candice."

"I think so too." Halos pabulong na sabi nito. "Won't you let me go, Alliston? It pains me to see Candice's hurting because she can't have me."

I stared at the ceiling of our room. I can feel Hariette's uneven breathing as she lay next to me.

Is this what Louella is saying? That I am mistaken again? I don't own anything. I never had Kyeroh nor Hariette. I am just like that. A sore loser. People will never meant to stay no matter what you give up for them. No matter what you let them take from you. You give and give. And never received anything in return.

Weird that even though it's hurting me, I don't want to inflict her the same pain pala. Akala ko kaya ko.

"You breaking me, Rie. You broke my heart, and I want to hate you. I want to hate you because I still love you, and I hate myself even more for it."

"But it's not the kind of love we both deserve, Alliston. You deserve the kind of love na wala kang kahati. Yung ikaw yung ipaprioritize among any other things. Someone who can change your view and perception about life and things. I am not that perfect fit for you, Alli."