Raelynn Mazalea Swan

The Truth

I woke up and groaned not because I was in pain though I was, no that wasn't my issue waking up was. I said "seriously I can't even kill myself correctly? How is that possible? The one thing I could do to help everyone and I screw it up." I groaned and tried to throw a fit, tried being the operative word. See I couldn't move I was in the Cullen house restrained to the bed using padded cuffs. The door burst open and Charlie came stomping in all I could say was "here we go again" he simply slapped me across the face hard and said "I cannot believe you are this damn stupid RaeLynn, first you whore around now you try and kill yourself? You're psychotic! You're insane!" I said "excuse you I never whored around" he said "don't lie Renee told me your not a virgin, are you pregnant? Is that why you tried to end your own life?" "I'm not pregnant I was raped now get the fuck out of my specially made for me mental ward before I show you how a psycho can get out of these damn cuffs!" I screamed at him. He said "you can't get out of those" I dislocated my thumbs and slid my hands out. Jasper caught me as I jumped for him, he restrained me by wrapping his arms around my waist. Carlisle said "ok Charlie time for you to leave" My mind officially broke and I just started screaming because I was so done, done with life, done with everything. I felt a needle and slowly passed out into the dark abyss. 

I woke up and felt much better, I sat up and realized they never put the cuffs back on. Alex, Carlisle, Bella, and Jasper were sitting in the room. I said "I'm sorry" they all looked up at me, Carlisle came over to me and checked my vitals. I looked at Bella and said "I know you don't like to see me this way, I am sorry, I don't have control. I didn't mean to forget my meds I swear," Bella grabbed my hand and said "I know sweet girl, but now I am gonna be on you again. You were doing so good, Rae, babe, please don't go backwards." I looked down, Alex and Jasper hasn't said anything and I don't blame them, they have never seen this side of me before. Carlisle said "how do you feel?" I said "I feel normal, I mean I still feel like I shouldn't be alive but I don't want to die if that makes any sense. And yes I realize I will have to go back home, but I won't forget my meds this time. I also realize y'all probably hate me and I don't blame you, its ok" Carlisle said "no one hates you RaeLynn, we are just worried for your health. We haven't encountered someone as bad off as you are but that doesn't mean we don't love you nor does it mean we can't help you, we can and will help you always." 

Jasper stared at me longingly and I felt love soar in my heart, so I held my hand to him, He smiled and grabbed my hand. I pulled him to me and scooted over so he could lay next to me, which he did and I laid my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. Esme brought in food so I slowly ate it, Jasper said "you worry me sometimes" he kissed my cheek and I said "I don't mean to, I'm only used to Bella really caring" He said "well you can't say your in love with me then proceed to bleed out, that is not out love works." I looked up at him and said "yeah what I did was a dick move and you have every right to be mad at me." He hugged me close and then Bella said "can I borrow my sister real quick?" Jasper nodded and Bella pulled me up, she brought me to another room and closed the door. I saw the guitar and I said "you sure?" she smiled and said "it helped you before, do my favorite one" I smiled at my big sister and picked up the guitar I strummed a few chords and Bella handed me a mic on a stand and sat down. I played this and I sang it

(A.N This is NF's song but in this book she wrote it)

What I didn't notice since my eyes were closed, as I was singing people slowly trickled in and sat down. When I was done I took a deep breath then heard clapping. I looked up to the family sitting there and I froze, I said "uh I'm... I'm sorry" Esme said "I didn't know you played" I said "well that's cause its a coping mechanism, only Bella knew, I wrote it when.." Bella said "she wrote it when what she thought were dreams stopped." I said "I wrote it as a kid when you essentially left me" Jasper said "do you have anymore?" I said "yeah what type? Ive got love songs, empowerment songs, songs about all of my feelings." Rosalie said "you didn't seriously write songs about....?" I said "suicide and dying? yes I did. My music most of the time stops me from acting on my thoughts." Bella said "IDFC" I smiled and said this is a new one, Bella hasn't actually heard it but she caught sight of my sheet music. Anyone play piano?" Edward walked over to it so Bella reached in my bag and gave him the music. I said "this is basically I don't fucking care, but I think you can all tell who inspired this one." I started playing and Edward followed along.

Once I was finished everyone clapped, I put the guitar down and Edward gave me back the music. I turned around to face everyone and was immediately pulled into a hug by Jasper, Rose said "why is there mixed emotions in that song?" I pulled away from him and said "simple, do I love Jasper? Yes. However, love or not I am still afraid. I really did start to fall in love with Michael or Pedophile as Bella named him-" she cut me off and said "you were barely 14 he was almost 20." I said "and Edward is over a hundred, anyway The first year was good, he didn't get abusive till after an entire year so. Yeah I love Jasper, But yes I am absolutely terrified to love someone again only Bella knows this, not Renee not Doctors not Michael no one but her and I know this. He raped me more than one however, the first time I got pregnant, but from the beatings I also lost the child, that's when I got put on the meds. Regardless of what you think of my past relationship, It makes me scared, Logically I know 100% jasper would never hurt me but emotionally its hard to get past the fact I couldn't trust someone I loved. Take out of it what you will but I cannot hate Michael but he also makes it hard to trust you, Jasper and I know that is not fair on you, and I'm sorry but like I said I'm sorry you stuck with a mate as damaged as me. This was that reason." I walked outside and climbed a tree to sit and think.

After a few minutes Esme showed up and it shocked me I expected maybe Bella or Alex not Esme. She said "can I talk to you Rae?" I said "yeah what's up" She said "I know how you feel, hell I was you" I rolled my eyes and said "I appreciate you trying to help but-" she put her finger over my mouth to shut me up, I raised my eyebrows and she said "I was young I had married a man who went to war, he came back different. He got me pregnant but he beat me a lot, so I ran away, I had my son he was so beautiful however a few days after he was born he died. The pain from losing my child, form my husband abusing me I jumped off a cliff, broke every bone in my body. Carlisle found me, he had originally treated a broken bone of mine from when I was a kid, he turned me. Much like yourself I didn't trust him at first but I gave him a chance and now here we are a 100 years later as happy as can be with amazing children including Bella, Alex, and yes even you are considered my child. So I understand, you are not alone." I hugged her and started crying.