Raelynn Mazalea Swan

Im Sorry... What!?!

I stayed at Carlisle's for about 4 days because that is what it took to heal. I got out of the shower and crawled into Jasper's bed pulled the sheet over me and closed my eyes. I had to go home tonight and it would not be pretty. Jasper came in and laid with me, when he lifted the sheet to crawl in he said "what are you up too?" I said "just resting after a shower. Why wanna play?" He said "I would but your injured" I said "but it's been over a month" I pouted and he said "ooh Incentive, move out of that damn house, and then once your 100% healed then and only then can we play."

I raised an eyebrow and said "really? Bribing me with sex? You've sunk that low?" He chuckled and said "you leave me no choice, you want to let yourself be abused then none of this." And to prove his point he ran his hand over my boobs and down to my stomach where I held his hand due to a sharp pain. His hand is like an ice pack and the pain only increased making me cry out. Jasper rubbed my stomach with one hand and flung the sheet off me with the other. Then as we both saw I was bleeding he screamed for Carlisle who came running in. Carlisle took one look at me and said "why didn't you tell me Rae?" I said "because this just happened" he said "I don't mean the blood child, why didn't you tell me? Everyone out now!" Everyone left as Carlisle covered me up. I said "tell you what? What is happening to me?"

He said "you're having a miscarriage" I said "no no that can't be right because that would mean I am or was pregnant and I can't be pregnant there is no way. Jasper is dead for crying out loud" Carlisle said "I've heard rumors of a vampire make having kids but no evidence of it." I said "Carlisle you have to be wrong because I would know if I was pregnant and if I were I wouldn't have stayed in that house I would have protected myself to protect the baby. Ow.... damn it you have to be wrong!" Jasper said "I mean I know we still have sperm but how could it still work?" Carlisle said "Rae, sweetheart, you couldn't have known because it wasn't something we were looking for. I don't know how it's possible but you are definitely losing a baby right now." I said "how do you know? You didn't check anything" he said "because you have abdominal pain and you are bleeding a lot from your vagina, put it all together and it is a miscarriage."

I couldn't deal with this so I ran to the bathroom and locked the door before sitting in the tub and running hot water. Jasper tried to open the door and then said "Baby come on let me in please?" I ignored him and turned the water off when the tub was filled. Carlisle said "jasper give it time, I just told her she was pregnant and losing the child all at the same time. Like all of us she didn't even know it was possible." Jasper said "I just want to help her" Carlisle said "I know and she knows that but she now has to process that she, even though it was unknowingly she is the cause of her baby dying. That takes a lot out of a woman, just ask Esme."

I said "You know I can hear you right?" Jasper said "Please let me in" I said "I already feel like crap, you don't need to come make me feel worse." He sighed and leaned against the door saying "I don't want to make you feel worse, I want to make you feel better." I sighed and said "Fine, if you have a key, you can come in." I heard a fumbling with the door and then it opened, Once he closed it again he came and sat on the edge of the tub. He said "Don't blame yourself" 

I scoffed and said "Right, like you don't blame me? Carlisle said I was pregnant and I killed it, You could have been a dad, me a mom but I killed our baby! How can I not blame myself, I should have known. You should blame me, it was in my stomach and because I wanted to save my siblings, I killed our baby that I stupidly didn't know existed. So yes I blame myself, and I always will because whether I knew it was there or not, I killed an innocent baby... Our innocent baby before it had a chance to live, you should hate me! I hate me." 

I pulled my knees to my chest and cried, he stripped before getting in the tub behind me and pulled me into his chest. He rubbed my back and held me as I cried, he said "I couldn't hate you because I love you too much. Baby I need you to realize, would I have wanted a child with you? Absolutely, but I want you more than life itself. You can't hate yourself or blame yourself for something you never even knew existed." I eventually cried myself to sleep.

(Jasper's POV)

I held her in the tub as she cried until she fell asleep. Then Alice brought in two towels and then left. I drained the tub then wrapped he ran a towel and the other around my waist. I carried her to the bed and laid her down before getting dressed and grabbed another one of my shirts, which I put on her. I went downstairs after closing the door so she could sleep her feelings off. I sat on the couch and Esme sat next to me then said "How is she handling it?" I sighed and said "I am so in love with her its insane and I want to solve all her problems, but when I manage to help her with one another shows up. Why does she have to blame herself for everything. Why can't I get her to understand that not everything is her fault." 

Esme said "What do you mean hun?" I sighed and said "She blamed herself when her ex raped her and beat her, she tried to kill herself because she blames herself for Charlie being an abusive asshole who hates her, and now she blames herself for her miscarriage when she didn't even know she was pregnant. She is insisting she needs to let Charlie beat her to protect her siblings and she can't understand why I don't hate her for losing the child we didn't know existed. How do I even begin to help fix this?"

Carlisle came in and said "Jasper you have to understand that... this girl lost her mom at a young age and has a father who has mentally abused her since she was little, that is why she blames herself, for everything; the rape, the abuse, the depression, the anxiety, hell even the miscarriage. She can't help it but we are gonna do everything we can, we just have to figure out how to make her want our help, understand?" I said "Yeah I get that but how do you convince a girl who thinks everything is her fault, that she is perfect the way she is, and that she deserves our help?" 

Edward, Alice, and her siblings came in and Edward said "Well bribing her with sex wasn't the answer" I chuckled and said "I'm at a loss man, I don't know, she asked and I figured if nothing else would work and she wanted it bad enough, then just maybe denying her might have worked." Which caused Alex, Carlisle, and Emmett to chuckle, Bella said "Yeah, where is my sister now?" I said "Sleeping, she has had an emotional day" Alex said "What do you mean? What happened to my twin?" Carlisle cut in and said "She got good and bad news at the same time." 

Bella said "Cut the crap, tell us what's wrong with our sister" Carlisle said "Today she had a miscarriage, she found out she was pregnant and lost the baby all at once. The miscarriage happened because of all the trauma to her stomach." Alex said "How did she end up pregnant? Jasper is technically dead." I said "Yeah she asked the same thing" Carlisle said "My best guess is maybe male vampires still have viable sperm. It's not like a vampire has ever mated a human before, at least not to my knowledge. Vampires generally eat people, we are different then our kind. Vampire's bodies don't change, thats why females cant have kids, a female's body has to change as a pregnancy progresses. Males don't change like that." 

I sighed and leaned back against the couch, Alex said "So you two could have kid in the future?" I said "even though that is what it seems to be, doesn't mean we'd know what it is. I mean Alex come one, Vampire, Human, would it even be human? or would it be vampire?" Alex said "What if it was a mix?" I said "Alex do her a favor and don't mention the miscarriage to her." Bella said "Why? She is probably very happy to know you can get her pregnant, she has always wanted a child." 

I said "Exactly, I know she has always wanted a child, she sleep talks but the point is... She always wanted a child and she found out she had one at the same time she lost it. She cried herself to sleep and I couldn't help her, all I could do was hold her as she cried blaming herself for something she didn't even know existed or was possible. Do not bring it up to her unless she starts the conversation." Bella said "Why does she blame herself?" Esme said "Bella, Alex, you need to understand... Charlie hurt her long before he started to hit her, in her mind everything that goes wrong is her fault. It's why she won't leave Charlie's, when she wakes up we need to talk to her again about leaving that house."