Loverboy - Fransykes (SQ to The Dilemma)

1. I Saw You Again

Dan's worried eyes watched Josh smile and nod along to the conversation as he ate. He was eating, sure, but it was obvious how painful it was for him. Each bite made Josh's heart fall deeper and deeper into his chest. His stomach felt bloated as he reached his hand under the table to grab at it.

He could feel the fat.

You're supposed to get better Josh, this isn't healthy.

By now he'd accepted his past "diet" wasn't healthy and it wasn't under control. It was an eating disorder and nearly dying still hadn't been enough to make him realize that.

Oliver had left, with a shit explanation. Josh didn't even know if he was alive. It'd been several months and Josh was still trying to eat without thinking of the calories or how fat he felt. And the worst part was Oliver had never been there for him, especially in those first few months where, sometimes, Josh had to be fed through a tube he was so uncooperative. Screaming how he was fine, and that he'd eat if they just didn't make him eat like that.

Instead he felt like shit, as if he wasn't enough for Oliver. Once his secret came out Oliver left because it was too much. Josh was angry at both himself and Oliver. He wasn't enough but Oliver was still a bitch for doing that.

And he couldn't think about it, not at that dinner table because he'd start crying and his façade made it past the majority. Dan and Jordan could swe through it, of course they could. Dan was his best friend and Jordan was Jordan.

They'd been replacement for Oliver the past several months. Always there for him and encouraging him to get better. Dan was overprotective and didn't have much trust in Josh, but Jordan had faith in him, and that was nice enough.

Matt, the man he'd had a two night stand with a year prior was dating Jordan and Tom was dating Dan. Josh was happy to see the four together, but he felt lonely again.

Tom was devestated after Oliver had left, and was still waiting for him to come back. Josh found it a lost cause at this point. He was used to people leaving, anyways.

"Who wants desert?"

His face fell as everyone nodded.

"Josh? You want any?"

Their eyes bore into him. Dan's filled with sympathy, pleading.

They all think you're fat, he thought. Look at all you ate. Say no to desert.

"No, I'm alright." He smiled.

"If you're sure!"

Dan looked disappointed, but he didn't understand how hard it was for Josh to eat what he had. It wasn't that much, but considering his plat was near empty meant a huge step.

Josh just wished he could feel the same.

~_~_~_~

He was on a walk. Dan didn't like it, but Jordan trusted him and Josh didn't plan on running or going too far. He just wanted to visit the park.

Usually, the bench was empty at this late of night. But Josh saw a figure sit down and close their eyes.

What?