Loverboy - Fransykes (SQ to The Dilemma)

4. Someone Tell Me This Isn't Real

At first it was hard not to eat. At the beginning Josh was hungry and reaching for that apple and then regretting it but after a few months it was hard to eat. And then he stopped eating all together.

And now he had to eat. Dinner was made for him and he'd lied when he said he'd aten that day. Josh wanted to get better, truly, but the hunger felt so much better.

He couldn't even look at the food. He didn't have an apetite. All he thought was yesterday and that cupcake. He ate a cupcake and so quickly. Don't eat too fast, he told himself, then he wouldn't realize he was full as the food hadn't set in and everyone else would still be eating and he'd be seen as a pig.

You're such a pig.

His thoughts were involuntary. He didn't catch half of them as they flew by with spewed hatred.

Everyone else was so skinny. Josh stared at Dan and Jordan's legs, Oliver's bony stomach, Tom's muscular arms. Fuck, they were all so skinny and when Josh looked down his thighs covered nearly the whole seat.

You pig youfattyyouabsoluteworthless-

"Josh? It's okay, just eat half of that. Can you do that for me?" Jordan whispered.

Josh nodded, moving his shaky hand to the fork and mixing the food while he tried not to think of how many calories could be in there.

He was never good at estimates, but hell, there could be a thousand in there.

The average human needs 2000 and 3000 makes one pound.

One thousand wasn't enough for the average person, let alone someone of Josh's height and weight, but to him six hundered was a significant amount and one thousand was crossing the line.

Just. Eat.

It wasn't this hard for Tom, or Oliver, so why was it such a struggle to swallow the food?

It mixed in his mouth and when he swallowed it felt like a thousand disappointed faces were on him.

They think you're fat they just want you to be fat why can't they let you be skinny again.

Josh could barely eat in public anymore. On rare occassion, Jordan or Tom would distract him with dad jokes or a stupid story, on rare occassion.

He was otherwise taking forced bites and covering his mouth so he didn't look stupid as he chewed. No food on my face? My clothes? Can I finish eating now? Can we eat this at home?

At some point he'd had to go out of his comfort zone, Josh knew that, but fear held him in that seat at home eating the pasta in shame.

You should go on a run tonight.

No I shouldn't.

But I really want to. I really can if I try hard enough.

His stomach fell over his jeans, making the fit uncomftorable. I need new jeans bigger jeans because I'm fucking fat.

"So Oliver," Dan brought up conversation before Joshua's thoughts could lead to a break down. "Where did you go, after you left?"

Jordan cast him a look that Dan ignored. He was angry, angry for his friend, and the only thing Oliver could do to redeem himself was stay. Stay and take care of Josh as he hadn't before.

"Cities." Oliver scratched the back of his neck. It lasted too long, heard too loud, scratched too hard.

"Any place I could find to stay, I guess. I didn't know half the areas, sometimes I passed out on benches or-" Oliver looked around the room in a panic. "I'm sorry, you don't want to hear this. Wh-why don't you talk about something, I don't know, be-better?"

"It's okay Oli, we aren't bothered," Tom consoled his brother.

"You aren't bothered," Dan corrected.

"Stop being a dick, Dan!" Josh spat.

"He left!"

Oliver withdrew in his seat, visibly ashamed.

"You don't have anything to say, Oli? Nothing to defend yourself? He's in the wrong, Josh!"

"I know he is but he's back and I missed him so for fucking once let me have something I like! Stop protecting me like some lost child, I can handle myself."

"You nearly died, how can I trust that?"

Don't cry. The comment wasn't meant to hurt him and it shouldn't but it did. There wasn't a good response, so he walked away.

At least he didn't have to finish dinner.

~_~_~_~

my feet are asleep oh ym god someone help me i cant move

i wanna listen to post human but we're going over health care or whatever
finally something that i might need 2 know