Care For Me

1

Y/N's POV

I truly wished it was just one of those normal Sunday evenings. Just lounging around, laying in bed and watching a movie or reading a good book but here I was packing my bag for a class trip I never wanted to go on and definitely wouldn't if I had the choice. My school had the tradition to send the seniors on a three day class trip to the mountains and this year was my grade's turn. I hated class trips. Being stuck with people that hated me really wasn't my idea of fun nor something I would voluntarily do.
But I had no choice.
And I checked.
Twice.
Pretending I was sick was unfortunately not an option, as that would immediately cause suspicion among the teachers and required my parents' confirmation or a doctor's note. Neither of which were available to me. There were only two doctors in this small town I called my home and both of them knew my backstory of trying to avoid all sorts of social events at all costs. Even though they had known me my entire life, they wouldn't help me in this situation. There was no point in asking. I knew what they would say.

"Avoiding every uncomfortable situation will not get you far in the future. Have you considered seeking help from a therapist yet?"

"Social anxiety is not something to be ashamed of and there are lots of methods to handle it. Including but not limited to medication."
...which a psychiatrist would have to prescribe.

The conclusion was always that I should talk to a professional about my struggles. As if that was the only way. I was sure they were simply fed up with me and my never changing circumstances at this point. naturally, I was now avoiding their practice at all costs. No matter how bad I felt, I refused to see either of them. There were home remedies for everything. Fortunately for me, I didn't get sick all too often. Who would've thought there were good sides to being disliked by everyone and therefore avoided like the plague? The closest I got to people was the distance of the desks at school, which did not mean people didn't scooch theirs further away from mine when they could.
And all of that for what?
Stupid rumors from over five years ago.
If my parents knew about this, they would surely be willing to excuse me from this hideous trip. They only ever wanted the best for me. But I didn't even know where they currently were and somehow didn't feel comfortable letting them in on the truth of my day to day life. Part of me didn't want to worry them and also desperately tried to believe what I told them during the irregular bi-weekly phone calls.

Everything is going fine. I am doing well in school and have a great time on my own. Having the house to myself is awesome and I'm taking great care of it and myself. Although I miss them, I am glad to get to experience the responsibilities already and know what's heading my way in my adulthood. Things couldn't be better.

Another part of me just didn't think they could take it. Not in the sense of bearing it but more so understanding. Something in me doubted that they would ever truly understand me. Like our relationship was lacking something neither of us could balance out or be blamed for. We were all better off with the lies I told. At least that's what I had convinced myself of. Or maybe lied to myself.
I packed another cozy sweater in my bag before I zipped it close and put it next to my backpack at my door. The relief I felt every year whenever sweater season started could not be put in words. Sweaty summers had never been my thing. Cloudy days, rainy air, cuddling up with warm tea and a good book, that was my idea of well spent time. Summer just didn't excite me. The majority of "fun" activities were group activities and thus rather an unpleasant thought for me. Sure, I could go swimming on my own, enjoy ice cream by myself or have a picnic in the backyard but none of these things really struck my fancy. I had spent the majority of the summer at home with my books, TV and air conditioning. Although my parents had offered me to join them for a weekend in Venice, I decided to decline to have a Harry Potter reading marathon. Nothing against vacation but the hassle of traveling was rarely worth it to me in the end. Another reason why I was absolutely not happy to have to go on this school trip.
I massaged my temples to relax and get more comfortable with the idea of what was awaiting me in the morning. Then I glanced over at the alarm that was sitting on my bedside table. 10PM. I might as well just go to sleep now. The upcoming days were most definitely going to wreck me, so I needed all the rest I could get.