Care For Me

3

Y/N's POV

Strangely enough, Jungkook's enthusiasm faded within the first minute of our walk. He had let go of my hand again upon seeing my irritated expression and now awkwardly rubbed over his fingers as if he was embarrassed. Neither of us said a word yet I could still feel his gaze on me. I avoided it though and kept looking at my feet. He was the one to break the silence between us.
"Ask me a question."
"No"
"But how will you know if I'm a serial killer then?"
"As soon as you pull the knife out, it'll be obvious."
"And also too late.", he chuckled and then wiggled his brows. "Does that mean you're not worried anymore and trust me?"
I huffed. "No, not at all. It's the opposite, actually."
A moment of silence.
"You really don't like me, huh?"
"How did you figure that out?", I grumbled.
Although it was a rhetorical question, Jungkook still answered it.
"You were much more relaxed around Taehyung and interacted with him way more comfortably. Around me you are cold and reserved. No matter what I do, I seem to irritate you, whereas Tae could do whatever he wanted and only ever amused you. You met us at the same time and yet you like him but apparently can't stand me. Clearly, I must've done something that upset you. I just wish I knew what, so I could fix it.", he elaborated disappointedly.
I pouted at my feet and kicked a burnt piece of wood to the side.
"What was I supposed to think of you? You snuck up on me, startled me and were the reason why I tripped and hurt myself. Then you tried to be my knight in shining armor as you pitied me for the rest of the night."

Not to mention that I looked hideous as a result while he probably hadn't even had a single bad hair day in his life.

I could tell from my peripheral vision that Jungkook's head whipped towards me. Guilt was reflected in his expression.
"We didn't mean to sneak up on you, it just turned out to be that way. We were just as surprised to see you as you were to see us out here. Taehyung was the one that stepped on the branch and startled you, which was why I told him to stand down while I checked on you."
He raised his arm to scratch the back of his head and then dropped his hand again.
"It wasn't my intention to make you feel pitied. At all. I just wanted to be helpful and express my sympathy and support. Seems like I only made it worse by trying so hard not to further trigger your discomfort..."
I raised my head to look at him upon hearing what he said. This time, he was the one looking down and it sounded like he was actually really upset.
"I may have misunderstood the situation.", I murmured more to myself than him.
It somewhat broke my heart to see him like this. And of course this was the moment my voice returned.
*You should fix this.*
What was her deal? I couldn't be bothered by such thoughts right now and focused back on what was happening around me.
"Well, no matter how one twists and turns it, you helped me and that means I can't really dislike you, can I?", I mentioned reluctantly.
He stayed silent.
*Hug him.*, she suggested.
I almost choked on my saliva.
*Are you crazy?!*
*Hug him. Now.*
*Absolutely not.*
*Do it.*, she demanded.
*NO*, I repeated.
*Please. Please hug him.*
Her soft, worried tone made me feel even worse. Not only did I hurt him but my weird voice was upset now, too. This was by far one of the weirdest situations I had ever found myself in. Never had my voice behaved like this nor had she ever developed sympathy or even attachment for someone else. I had always been her priority—also given that she usually appeared in extreme situations. This was not one of them and I had yet to understand why she was still present.

Tough times ahead of us...

What a dreadful reasoning and statement. That obviously meant nothing good. And what if that had something to do with my interaction with Jungkook? I found myself wanting to rather bring more distance between us than hug him but somehow there was also a part of me that drew me closer to him. So far he had been kind and helpful after all. My experience currently stood in conflict with my gut feeling. The way my hands trembled in nervousness didn't help. Neither did the turning sensation in my stomach. Anxiety was one pain in the ass. I gulped and glanced over at him again. His head was still hanging low.
"About that hug you offered last night..."
Jungkook scrunched his face and looked away.
"I went too far with that, I know."
I nervously fiddled with the sleeve of my hoodie and simultaneously stroke over the scar on my wrist.
"That's not it. I, uhm..."
He hesitantly faced me again and softly said: "The offer is still up, if that's what you're wondering. Or if it made you uncomfortable, just forget I ever mentioned it."
It was awkwardly silent between us for the next minute and it only got worse with every passing second. I timidly glanced at him but quickly averted my gaze when I found him looking back at me. Uncomfortable could not describe these circumstances in the slightest. I was scared, reluctant and felt guilty at once. I wanted to find a mutually comfortable base for us to continue the journey back to the hotel but the amount of willpower it took me to take the measure my voice deemed right was not that easily gathered. Especially not under these conditions and by that I meant him waiting for me to make the next move. Things were already strange between us and bound to stay that way, so how much worse could they get?
I took a few deep breaths, pulled myself together and did something I never thought I would do again. I stopped walking, turned to the side and pressed my lips together but ended up embracing him. He was a little taken aback by the result of my private contemplation but wrapped his arms around me after a few seconds as well.
I hadn't hugged anybody aside from my parents in years and this was definitely a challenge for me. My heart was drumming in my chest like crazy but it was bearable. It actually gradually calmed down the longer I was in his embrace. As if he had a calming effect on my body. At the same time, he triggered my nervousness though and made me feel oddly shy to be this close and in a shallow way intimate. We stood there holding each other for way longer than I initially planned but I felt so...safe.
His grip loosened, announcing the potential end of the hug and what happened next also fell in the category of things I never thought I'd do.
"Don't let go just yet.", I blurted out.
My face instantly flushed upon my words and I immediately buried my head further in his sweater to hide my embarrassment. What the heck was going on with me? Why did I just say and do that? I usually hated closeness. It was like I couldn't recognize myself since I had met him. All these contradictory feelings and actions were beyond confusing and borderline irritating. I was in so much discomfort but found his embrace comforting. All symptoms of my anxiety were present and yet I was not uneasy. I was tense and relaxed at once; both calm and fidgety. Somehow excited but dreadful. I enjoyed it although it also tortured me. Maybe I hated how much I liked it.
Jungkook didn't say anything, he just carefully buried his head in the crook of my neck and tightened his hold on me again. A gentle squeeze of affection. It was heartwarming and securing. Until it suddenly wasn't anymore. From one second to the next, I couldn't name anything good about our closeness anymore. I felt pressured and caged in, captured and suffocated. My heartbeat fastened once more—but not in the exciting way. My chest tightened and I felt myself choking up, so I quickly shoved him away from myself and leaned against a tree.
"What's wrong?", he asked while coming closer to check on me.
"Don't touch me.", I hissed and pressed my hand on my chest as the other curled into the bark to get a grip on reality.
Nothing was caging me in. There was enough oxygen in my lungs and space around me. Nothing was endangering or threatening my physical and mental safety. Neither my life or wellbeing were at stake. It was just a panic attack. And I would survive it. I could feel myself getting to the verge of crying until I forced myself to compose myself enough to recall my mantra.