Care For Me

11

Y/N's POV

The tears were streaming down my face in river-like amounts as I ran away as fast as my feet could take me. I had no sense of direction, just muscle meory. There was only one place I could go right now, only one place where I couldn't get hurt, where I could take a deep breath and just be; just feel. I laid down on top of the cliff and hid my face behind my hands at first. I still felt like I had to suppress my pain and sorrow since Jungkook could hear me if he happened to come after me, but then it hit me. He wouldn't come after me. I wouldn't ever see him again. He had chosen someone else over me and was gone now. A loud gasp left my lips as I pulled my hands away and freed all the emotions I was holding in. This was my safe place after all. No one could find or hear me here so I cried my heart out, or at least whatever was left of it. It felt like the shattered pieces were cutting up my insides and slowly killing me as the minutes passed. So this was what actual heartbreak felt like; as if I was getting torn apart, ripped to shreds and left to die a torturous death. So full of painful emotions while feeling so empty. I tried to somehow catch my breath since my tears were close to suffocating me but I wouldn't let Jungkook win this easily. No, he wouldn't have this kind of power over me. He wasn't worthy of this much credit and impact. He was literally just a guy that pretended to care for two seconds.
My sight was blurry from the tears but I still tried to focus it on the crystal clear sky that showed countless stars twinkling beautifully. I was sure they didn't have a care in the universe. I used to think that they were trying to show me the beauty within the darkness and give me hope. Right now it felt like they were mocking me. They always managed to maintain their distance. Clouds merely affected them by temporary covering them. Nothing could really get to them. Clearly, I couldn't say that about myself. I was a wreck for a boy I barely knew. Why hadn't I seen it coming with Jungkook? How could I let myself get this attached? Or had I seen it coming but foolishly convinced myself to ignore the signs because I finally wanted to be seen and loved? Had I really prioritized my love deprivation over my emotional well-being?
*I'm sorry, Y/N. I never thought that it would end up like this.*, my voice apologized.
*I just don't get it. I really thought he was genuine. How could I get this fooled? You know what I saw. He kissed another girl as he was on his way to leave town. Who does that? He wanted to stay to spend more time with me. There is nothing genuine about that.*, I replied and wiped my tears away, though it was of no use.
*We could always rely on my feelings. I can't believe it. He seemed to be such a great guy... Maybe there is another explana—*
I cut her off in an instant. *I wish there was a way that I could be mistaken. That this is just another misunderstanding but that was not some hallucination. His figure, outfit and car... What more proof could I get?*
I rubbed over my cheeks with the sleeve of my sweater. They already felt quite sore.
*I wanted him to be a great guy, too. Goodness, I even wanted to be his soulmate after he mentioned it. The one he's been waiting for his entire life. I wanted him to be the one for me as well. My ultimate match. He seemed so perfect.*, I sniffled.
*I trusted him like I've never trusted anyone before and I felt like he understood me. Truly and completely. The things we shared...and everything I let him do... How could something that was ultimately so wrong feel so right in the moment?*
*Now I feel bad for taking over you in the significant moments because I couldn't tame myself. It was me. I made you feel this way.*, she replied sounding almost timid.
Then she changed the subject. *Who was she even? This other girl? Do you have an idea?*
*What if it was Isabelle? She said something about keeping him company and I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up flirting with him and somehow made him sleep with her.*, I gritted sarcastically.
*But he promised—*
*His promises are evidently worthless, just empty words to get his way. I always assumed that he was just trying to get in my pants. This is the evidence.*, I interjected and balled my hands into fists.
*We don't know if it was Isabelle though. It could've been anybody. What if it actually wasn't him? What if it was Jimin? Then we'd be mad and frustrated over nothing.*, she remarked but I shook my head.
*I saw Jimin, remember? They were walking around in the park. Jungkook is a bit taller than him.*, I retorted and my voice scoffed.
*We only saw him from a distance. You don't have super vision or something and it's not like they have a huge height difference.*
*I SAW WHAT I SAW! He kissed another girl! End of story.*
He was nothing but a playboy after all and I was just one of his recent toys. Something to keep him busy while in town. I should've known better. No, I did know better. My voice was the one that had made me spend time with him.
*How could you make me fall for him? Constantly telling me he's a good guy, he only wants the best for me, I should give him a chance, I can trust him. Look where it got me! I told you that I didn't want to end up heartbroken but here I am. My mistake wasn't trusting him. It was trusting you.*, I realized and suddenly my tears were no longer caused by pain but uncontrollable anger and frustration.
*Y/N—*
*No, I've had enough! I'm done with you.*, I cut her off and clenched my teeth.
*No! Wai—*, she started but I pushed her back with all my strength and silenced her.
I could feel her trying to get through to me but without hurting me this time. It felt like she was repeatedly knocking on the door to my conscience, but I had it locked. She didn't deserve anything else. I should've never listened to her in the first place. It was all her fault. My pain was all her fault. She was so obsessed with him that she had even made me sick and took over my body to get her way! Persuading me into this relationship. I saw all the signs, but I ignored them. Willingly. Because I wanted to believe his words and actions myself. I would bet he didn't even have a voice in his head and only said so to make me trust him. My mistake was that I did. I trusted him. With all my heart.
Yeah, what had I been thinking? That was something only an idiot would do. Not even Isabelle would fall for this. Admittedly, she would wrap him around her finger as well and would never let their "relationship" get to a deeper connection than sleeping with each other. I doubted that she was capable of that. It takes a lot of distance and emotionlessness to behave the way she did without ever feeling affected by everything the people said behind her back. Or we had more things in common than I thought. Maybe she was just as hurt and lonely on the inside as I was. Geez. I did not just think that. I was not at a point of despair and sorrow that I was sympathizing with the girl that made my life an actual hell on earth for the past five, no, six years. It should be past midnight now so...happy birthday to me, I guess. 18 years old and yet nothing to celebrate. I should be happy on a day like this. Go out and have dinner by myself or stay home and cuddle up on the couch, watching movies or something. But here I was. On a cliff, crying about a playboy and making excuses for my high school bully, while suppressing the voice in my head that thinks of herself as a wolf. This couldn't be sane. What had my life become?
Jungkook enraged me the most though. I had only known him for about three weeks, of which one he avoided me, another I kept rejecting him and the first we met, saw each other for two days and were apart for the others. I had barely talked to people for years upon years but then he showed up and I spilled everything about myself? Told him my darkest secret, the story of my life, took him home, let him sleep over, showed him my safe place and ran after him in the end? Just to spend another birthday by myself, without my parents or any friends, in the comfort of the night sky and the stars. Far out, away from human contact. This was the life I was living. A life that I've been content with until I had met him. Now that I got a taste of a human connection, affection and closeness... It wasn't enough anymore. I wanted more than my life offered me right now. I couldn't wait to leave this town and build something new, somewhere no one knew me. Leave everything behind and only come to visit my parents during the holidays. Pursue a career, find new friends, build several new relationships, find someone to have a true and honest connection with...next year. When I had finished school and was off to college. When nobody was expecting me to stay here with these memories, opinions and rumors. Stupid time gap.
Though, in disregard of the people, I liked it here. This was my fall dream home. I loved the forest, the bright and beautiful changes in color throughout the seasons, the fresh air, the towering mountains and all the different inspirational hideouts, such as my cliff, that came with it. So could I leave but stay? Or was the conclusion that I would stay and ignore the bad side of things? Just continue living my life as an outcast, mind my own business and ignore everything else? Or leave for a chance to improve my social life, but miss everything about this place? Either way it upset me somehow.
The weather seemed to be just as uneasy as I was. I was growing more frustrated and angry.Something was gradually building up inside of me, getting ready to explode sometime soon. It felt weird though. I started doubting that it still had something to do with Jungkook but was rather something else. Something was gathering, building up like a volcano that was about to erupt. What was going on? I had learned to control my feelings and knew how to prevent something like this from happening by letting them all out whenever I was here. That's what I had done tonight yet I was still on the verge of losing it. I felt like taking someone apart, I wanted to punch a tree and watch it burst into splinters from the impact, even though that was not physically possible. Just in case, I still got up and walked over to the closest tree but the second I set foot on the ground my ears started hurting. The pain was excruciating and made me scream almost instantly. My ears were ringing and soughing. It was all I could hear in an unbearable amount and volume. I honestly felt like I was losing my mind, as if reality was slipping away. After having squinted them with the first waves of pain, opening my eyes worsened everything. It was like a light switch was being turned on and off repeatedly, the forest in front of me seeming bright as day and then dark as night again. The flickering was nearly nauseating. I was walking backwards to the cliff again, shaking my head furiously and only making things worse. I was getting all dizzy from the noise in combination with the continuous change in brightness and moving around so much, but I couldn't quite stop either. All the muscles in my body were tense and hurting more and more each second. Contracting without my doing and beyond my control. This was anything but normal so I was left with no choice but to turn to the only one that could have something to do with this.
*What the fuck are you doing to me?!*, I screeched and dug my nails into my hands to focus on her answer.
*Don't fight it, Y/N.*, my voice replied and used the opportunity to gain more control over my mind.
This was definitely all her work.
*Are you trying to kill me?! Please stop! It hurts!*, I begged and whimpered to make her aware of how badly her actions were affecting me.
*I can't*, she retorted and stopped responding to any other attempt of mine to reason with her.
I could feel how I was losing control over myself but it seemed like my voice didn't quite know what she was doing either. Was this what she meant? Was she not able to stop any of this? It definitely felt like she was taking over but almost like she was pulled into my consciousness rather than pushing into it. She had mentioned something about getting stronger. What if this was it and she couldn't do anything about it? That also made this the last piece of evidence that I was indeed crazy. Now I was turning into the voice at the back of my mind. My split personality was about to control my behavior now. I just never thought that it would hurt this much. Why would she hurt me like this? How could she even do that? I couldn't ever control if my body was in pain just with my thoughts. How would she be able to do so? Make me sick and put me in this pain?
I managed to wrap my arms around myself in desperate hopes to keep my composure that way because that was all I could do right now. Pacing back and forth, I tried to distract myself and focused on just doing that to keep as much control as possible. Focusing on the physical instead of the mental, where she was clearly superior now. I wanted to believe that this made me less vulnerable. That if I wasn't caught up in arguing with my voice and concentrated on my body, she couldn't cause as much damage. It hurt like crazy anyways. The blood in my veins froze when I heard the growling of an animal. It sounded like it was right behind me so I frantically whipped around in all directions but fortunately couldn't find anything. The growling wouldn't stop though. It dawned on me that the sound wasn't coming from the somewhere near me but inside of me. Either my voice really hadn't been joking when she claimed to be a wolf or at least she knew how to authentically sound like one. The rustling in my ears intensified. It got louder as if it was getting closer. A gun shot like snap made my head whip around and look towards the forest though the flickering threw me off so much that I couldn't really see much. Not to mention how strenuous it was to keep my eyes open when my sight was this distorted. Suddenly, the pain subsided in the slightest. Not much, it was still excruciating and unbearable but there was a noticeable change. My vision cleared and stopped flickering just enough so I could make out a shadow that was approaching me. Of course out of all possible misfortunate events, it had to be this.
I was arguably at my worst and someone had found me.