Breathe

george.

~tw, whole chapter~

On the night before George was due to arrive, Clay couldn't sleep. He was anxious about seeing his friend for the first time in six years, but more than that, he was so excited. This was the first time since Minecon they'd been able to see each other in person. Clay tossed and turned all night, listening to music, reading, coding a little bit, even meditating a bit to try and tire his mind. But his mind wouldn't stop running, it thought of every situation and every outcome and every possibility, even the ones that weren't possible.

Soon Clay grew restless. His mind was caving in on him. He needed air. He needed space. He needed to be somewhere else. His mind was collapsing, breaking connections, slowing time, and ultimately, shutting down.

Clay knew what was happening before it actually happened. This was a panic attack, and he knew from the way it approached that it was going to be bad.

First he felt fear. His stomach boiled in anger and panic. The rush of emotions and adrenaline made Clay's head pound. He stood up and went into the bathroom to get water; maybe that would calm his nerves. He drank a glass, nothing changed. So he drank another, and another. At the end of the third glass his stomach revolted. Clay heaved all of the water right into the sink, which ultimately set more panic in him.

He knelt down and sat on the ground, placing his head in his hands. His breathing was rapid and shallow, and his skin turned pale. The ghosts of tomorrow were haunting him, and it was time for his reckoning.

He felt another urge to puke and made it to the toilet just in time. Everything from the night before left his body, but that didn't stop him from heaving. He sat there over the toilet for a long time, just letting his body process the fear. 

When he was done, he sat down next to the toilet and took some deep breaths. He needed to get Nick. This wasn't a panic attack that was going to calm down anytime soon. The problem was that he couldn't move. Clay was so paralyzed by fear that he became catatonic, trapped in his own mind. 

What if the plane crashes what if he hates you what if he hates the way you look- no that's unreasonable- what if he dies in a car wreck what if he decides to not come- stop it you're being ridiculous- what if he hates you and everything you've become, he's jealous of you, he wishes you were dead- i'm okay, i'm safe, i'm here- he is jealous of your fame and of your success, he hates himself because of you- nick is close, nick will protect me- he wants to die because of you- he wants to die- because of you- because of me- it's your fault- it's my fault- it's your fault- it's my fault-

He screamed.

He took everything in his power, all of the air in his lungs, and threw it at the gods. He cursed the wind and burnt down forests in his wake. He screamed and screamed until there was nothing left, and then he kept screaming. He screamed until he threw up again, and by the time he recovered from it, he was about to start screaming again when the light flipped on and Nick ran to Clay's side.

"Holy shit, dude, what's going on ?"

Clay gasped for air. His lungs were screaming for oxygen. Nick saw how pale Clay was, how cracked his lips were. He saw the white in Clay's knuckles as they gripped the floor. He saw the fear, the worry in Clay's eyes. Clay was completely overtaken by panic.

Nick realized what was happening and sat down on the floor, taking Clay's hands in his own. 

"Clay, look at me."

Clay didn't stir. He sat staring at nothing and everything all at once. 

"Clay. Look at me," Nick said firmly.