A Beautiful Reflection From Firework Eyes

I Hate Myself For The Things That I've Done

Kellin's not talking to me—that's understandable. I almost got him killed. I almost got Jack killed too. How could I have been so stupid?

The awkwardness hangs heavily in the air between us. He avoids my gaze, keeping his eyes trained on the floor as we wait for the guards to take us to Study.

It only grows worse as the minutes turn into hours as the day drags on. I pace back and forth by my bed, my eyes fixed on the door. Any minute now, it should be opening, right? It's not like them to be this late. Unless something bad has happened.

I can feel Kellin's eyes burning into my back as I pace, but when I turn to look at him, he drops his gaze, immediately becoming fixated with the ground. I desperately want to talk to him, but I don't, knowing I'll be rejected. My heart is pounding though, my chest tightening. I'm forced to sit down before I fall, putting my head in my hands. Breathe, I tell myself. Just breathe.

The door opens without warning. I look up, seeing Kellin do the same from out of the corner of my eye. I expect it to be Rian or Matty, but it's not. It's some guard I don't recognize.

"Come with me," he says, gesturing to both Kellin and me. I glance over at Kellin, meeting his gaze before he looks down, remembering that he's ignoring me. He brushes past me, following the guard out. I sigh, trying to push away the growing pit in my stomach, following the two of them.

We head toward the Study rooms, like I expect us too. I'm surprised to see the number of guards standing in the hallway. It seems as if the entire force is packed into the hallway and the second Study room. The guard pushes us through the crowd. I catch sight of Jack and Alex heading down the hallway toward us.

Jack raises his eyebrow, mouthing, "What's going on?" to me. I shrug as the guard pushes me forward to the entrance of the room. I stumble as I'm shoved into Kellin.

"Sorry," I mutter, but he doesn't react, standing stiffly in the entrance of the door. He turns to look at me, his face pale.

"Keep moving," the guard barks from behind us. Kellin doesn't seem to be able to move, so I gingerly reach out, taking his wrist, pulling him forward with me. I get about two steps into the room before I freeze as well, horrified by the grotesque sight before me.

I almost don't recognize the body tied to the stake. The body is horrifyingly disfigured, the face mutilated and mangled. Dark blood is pooled on the floor beneath, dripping off the soaked guard uniform. The stench of rotting flesh and the metallic tang of iron is so strong I almost throw up right then and there. Kellin makes a small noise in his throat, stepping backward into me, his eyes squeezing shut as if he's hoping he'll wake up from a nightmare.

The worst part? I'm almost able to pass it off. Maybe it was a guard caught deserting. Or an intruder. I'm almost able to pretend that I don't know who it was. Except for the familiar head of red hair.

The world seems to drop from under me. I don't register moving, even as I'm shoved roughly, moved over to the back wall. Kellin sends me a glance but I hardly comprehend it through the blood pounding in my head. How did this happen? My whole body feels numb. I can't seem to move, with the ice forming in my veins, freezing me to the ground. I can't do anything, can't even take my eyes off the body. Maybe it's some sort of morbid curiosity or fear. Does this mean that we've been caught? Does Mr. Styles know? The knowledge that even if Jack, Alex, and I are caught, that Kellin will be safe sends a bit of relief through my churning thoughts.

I look up, meeting Jack's horrified glance from across the room. Alex looks like he's about to be sick, and I don't blame him. It's like all the air in the room has vanished. I try to inhale, but the world is closing in around me. He's dead. It's all my fault.