An Endless Day

Chapter- 14

The man lived in a place that could barely be classified as a house. The whole place leaked, the door, made up of straws and grass hung barely enough to conceal the insides. A bunch of utensils and a stove at the corner of the room, the kitchen of the house, and a little space outside of the hut for the wash area. Little packets were organised in the corner of the room, ready to be sold. 

When the old man was properly seated, the young one with me came to me," If you don't have anything else in mind, can we help him for sometime? He could really use it." 

I had trusted him with my life, had the adventures that I'd been craving for. I had never been comfortable with sleeping in front of other people, even my own family, but somehow I had been able to sleep in his presence, twice. And yet, this was the moment I felt the most attached. I knew my plan of not getting to know him was quite a success. I never asked him anything and the few facts that I know for sure are from what he told me. Still, he had become a non-removable part of my life. Whatever happens ahead of us, would never be able to steal the memories I had made on this distant land, the most cherish-able phase. 

So now here we are, helping out our new found relatives, working on the shop considering it be our own. Uncle kept joking with us all the time, and he was quick to reply. The atmosphere had turned so friendly it hurt to think about leaving.

The first thought that I had in my mind when I looked at the elderly couple was not how happy they were, but how they led such a difficult life, and I had not thought about the finances till then. Living life with an uncertainty of losing it any day. What happens when of them is lucky enough to be alive but has to accept his fate alone, whatever it is.

The couple either hadn't realized it or didn't let the thought get to their head. And in that moment I knew, it wasn't their fear, it was mine. To have been left alone, my biggest fear. All the nightmares made sense then. I had dreamt that I was in a big house, sitting on a creaking armchair, when it just happened. The life was sucked out and I welcomed death. I looked around for someone, any soul to look at before departure and there were none. I reached at the peek and could feel death coming any second now, it was when I woke up. When someone you love dearly leaves you, you realize that life is much more than the happy bubble you've been kept in. It's not just happiness and dancing and dreaming. Many times it's working hard but still losing, it's wanting to hold someone close forever, and still losing them, it's an endless struggle to achieve something that you're gonna lose anyway, but at the end of the day, it's still life and it's meant to be lived. In the moment in between these new definitions of life, one has to make way for letting it go. Anyway, any place, letting go is much important than achieving. Letting go of grudges, of emotions and anger. In the absence of darkness, there is no room for anything but light.  

 I realized, that in life, I would not always have the chance to run. I ran away from my problems yesterday, when I thought I'd explode. The emotions had been bottled up for so long, I could feel their weight, and I could feel them pushing me towards the ground. It was getting difficult to breath, to live. Yes, I  have lost someone, and yes, the suffering began from there. Without knowing, without realizing I had let go of my fears in his presence. I had opposed myself when I chose to be with him and do the craziest things. I let go of the guilt that had engulfed me. I realized, it was the first time in months that I was not feeling guilty because I had fun. I never had time to think about how much I miss my people. I was living in the present and the phrase made sense to me. I had not just distracted myself, I lived with myself. 

To live with a person you consider to be unsafe, not loyal, dishonest is nothing but a challenge. I was that person for me. I had hated myself for a long time now, reasons are the story for another time. But I managed almost a whole day with myself and I didn't hate it. In fact I wanted to be with this person.