Candy Coated Nightmare

SIX

"Doc do you think it's real?" sasusunod na week pa ang next therapy ko kay Doctora Gonzales pero napapunta ako agad ako sakan'ya dahil sa panaginip ko nung nakaraang araw. Hindi maalis sa isipan ko kung si Ziv ba talaga 'yon.

"Do you think of him before you sleep? what if na stuck lang siya sa isip mo kaya pati sa panaginip mo nakita mo na siya.

She explained. Umiling naman ako dahil hindi lang naman si Ziv ang inisip ko bago ako matulog "Sam..."

"Po?" tumingin ako kay Doctora Gonzales.

"I don't know if I should tell you this pero siguro tama na din kung malaman mo. What if he was just made by you?" Doctora Gonzales asked with her serious face. Napakunot ang noo ko dahil hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang sinasabi niya.

"Doc? bakit m-mo naman naisip yon. Do you think doc g-gagawa ako ng ganon ganon?"

"Sam, I know you are scared. Alam kong natatakot ka Sam. That's why sinabi ko 'to sayo. Dahil sa tingin ko gawa nang takot mo ang lalaking yon" hinawakan ni Doctora Gonzales ang kamay ko.

"A-are you telling me t-that... that he d-doesn't... e-exist?" I burst out to tears. That person in my nightmare is very important to me. Parang ayaw kong maniwala na hindi totoo yung lalaking yon.

"Our mind is not inventing faces in our dream. We saw real faces of real people that we have seen during our life but we may not know or remember. In your case Sam may panaginip ka na tumatakot sayo, you're too scared to face it on your own kaya biglang isang araw nakita mo nalang yung lalaking yon at pinaniwalaan na pag nandoon yung lalaking yon payapa ka. Simula nung nakita mo siya sa panaginip mo hindi mo pa nakikita yung mukha niya but now you've seen him alam mo sa sarili mo na hindi siya yon. Sa tingin mo si Ziv ba may kinalaman sa buhay mo at sa bangungot mo?"

Umiling ako. I know I am crazy about The Band pero never kong naisip  na nakita ko na sila noon o may kinalaman sila sa buhay ko. My life is a mess. What's my fault to have this kind of life? Everyday I have a war with my self. I just want peace, I just want to sleep without worrying what will happen to me when I fall asleep.

And It hurts even more knowing na yung taong akala ko na makakapagpigil sa takot ko ay hindi totoo. I feel as if I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my hope, my peace... everything. He's one of the reasons why I keep fighting. Every time I think of giving up I remember him saying "This will pass". Thinking that I'd meet him someday and ask him have he been well excites me every day, but now I think my life is a lie. How can I ask him those questions kung hindi naman pala siya nag eexist.

Napatingin ako sa pintuan ng clinic ng narinig kong nag bukas ito.

"Oh, Hi there!" Dra.Gonzales waved her hand to Nilani, nginitian lang siya ni Nilani at lumapit saakin.

"A-are you done in your rounds at the hospital?" tanong ko kay Nilani. She's a medical student.

"Mhh-hm, kakabasa ko lang ng message mo" sagot niya. Tumayo naman ako at nag paalam na kay Dra.Gonzales. For some reason ayaw ko munang pag usapan yung lalaking yon. He will fix nothing.

-

"Nilani... you know my nightmare right?" I questioned her without looking at her. I don't want her to see my eyes.

"Anong tanong yan?" sabay ininuman niya yung juice ko.

"Kahapon... sa panaginip ko nasa bus ako, nakatingin ako sa mga puno, sa mga taong nakapaligid saakin lahat sila nag kwe-kwentuhan. Pag katingin ko sa katabi ko... nakita ko yung batang lalaki... yung mukha niya... Nilani I saw Ziv's face..." there I look at her with my teary eye. Bukod kay Mama at Dra. Gonzales si Nilani lang ang pinagsasabihan ko ng ganito. Well I think its weird na may kilala kang tao na takot sa mga bagay bagay. Who would want to be friends with someone who's scared in nightmare, cars, sea and hospitals?