Barely floating

Chapter 8: It's Okay

Regina's POV:  'When am I ever going to be enough? All my life I have only tried to just be anything other than a disappointment, I tried to do everything in my reach, do the right things, talk the right way, everything that I could think of only so that one day someone would come along and say the magical words that they were satisfied with what I was.

Then one day, I decided I could't do that anymore, I couldn't try anymore because all of that felt so pointless. I had become a hopeless case to even myself as I had figured it out that there was nothing that could have made me enough for anything or for anyone, so I decided to walk the opposite track.

I knew doing everything wrong wouldn't have gotten me anywhere but where did doing everything right get me? 

I made mistakes which had almost destroyed me however the scariest part of the whole story is that I made those mistakes knowingly and I know somewhere or the other I deserve the hate which I am getting because at the end of the day I am the one at fault for my state now and maybe if the tables had been turned I would have felt the same for myself as what the others feel for me.

Trust me I am no longer fighting for being enough because that's the war I lost to my own self because of myself and after what I did I don't even deserve kindness so I can't even imagine getting love from anyone even myself. I don't even know what right I have to strut around the world and ask people to give me a second chance where I can't give a second chance to myself and I don't know if I ever would be able to, so should I quit?'------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know it's a stupid decision and I am probably going to regret writing this confession on the "Sharing Feelings" site but at this point which things I don't regret and what can get worse than now?

At this moment, I just needed to talk. I needed to talk with someone and it's hilarious how even a year ago I was surrounded by so many people that I couldn't manage enough time to talk with each of them and now the only person I am left with which I can talk with is a "site" where people share who they have a crush on.

I have never felt this helpless in my life about everything but this is probably because since the day Angie was born and I saw my mother standing at the hospital's waiting room the whole night and tears freely falling down from her eyes the moment she took Angie in her arms, I knew I couldn't get weak so I didn't allow myself to feel anything because I knew the moment I would let everything sip in I won't be able to stand up again.

And there wasn't supposed to be anything which could have broken me again but I guess I forgot how much power the phrase "you are never going to be enough" had over me.

I feel pity for myself now because what am I doing on the first day of school, the day for which I had been preparing for so long, the day from which I  was supposed to start proving to the whole world that I have changed and get my life back on the right track so that I could give Angie a good life? I am crying my eyes out sitting behind the wall at the back of the field, writing a stupid confession on  much more stupid site and wishing that I could give up, you are doing great Regina! Way to go!!

I don't even know how long I have been sitting here but I know that no matter how long it has been, it's clearly not enough and I still want to hide myself from the world just for a few more minutes but the guy heading in my direction is invading my space and I hate it. He has black messy hair and should not be more than 5'6, wearing ripped pants and a black hoodie with head phones covering his ears and I am pretty sure he didn't even notice that I am sitting here because his dark brown eyes is literally glued on the ground. 

Why is he coming here? I thought to myself and then it struck me, this is the exact place people come to secretly smoke during school hour, everyone knows that and that is the exact reason I know this place, what the hell? how did that fact leave my mind?

Usually people come here is groups however this guy, I can't see a person miles behind  him so he must be alone then, which means I still can take a little more time even though that would mean that this guys would have to see the puffy eyed red face Regina but weirdly enough something about him tells me that he is not the type of person who is going to run and tell the school about that.

He is standing just in front of me and yet it seems as if he can't even see me. How can someone be so lost in their world? I can see that though from the far he looks quite healthy and fit, now he doesn't look really healthy, he just looks I don't even know how to put it, he just doesn't  look like someone living life, his face is just emotionless and I guess that's a good thing because being emotionless also means you can't feel the pain and not living life also means you don't need to fight any more, so I turn my head to the other side and continue to stare at the football field when a voice says, 

"Umm, sorry I didn't see you here" in a apologetic manner, "Should I leave?"                                            I turn my head saying a no and look at the ceiling trying to hold back my tears, I should have told him to leave but somewhere or the other I fear that I really want someone to be with me right now, just anyone to stay ,

I can see from the corner of my eyes that he is still looking down from me to his feet maybe wondering what he should say when finally he clears his throat and walks towards me and sits beside, at this point I am at loss of words, did this stranger who I haven't ever even seen before just sat beside me to console me? Why would he do that for me? I mean I know I was the one who wanted someone to be with me for a while but when someone is actually there, why is it being so hard to accept and I can't think but wonder what does he want from me but at this moment what I really need to do is cry  because holding my tears is getting harder with every second. 

"Hey you know it's okay right?" He says in a his harsh yet clear voice, I look at him questioningly and he replies, "It's okay to cry"

And that was it, it literally felt as if I had been holding a goddamn Atlantic ocean of tears behind me eyes with a damn and someone just broke the damn by saying one sentence, four words and mainly one thing which is:IT WAS OKAY.

I don't know what he is thinking about me and I guess he is probably regretting his decision of sitting beside me and watching this ugly crying girl but even though I have told him that he can leave now for some apparent reason he hasn't left yet, this guy is weird.

After a few more minutes of him staring at nowhere and me ugly crying in my lap he opens his mouth still not making eye contact and says, "Do you wanna smoke?"

I can't help but laugh at the fact that this random guy was probably here just so that he could peacefully smoke for a few minutes and not to console this random annoyingly crying girl and I just didn't let him do that, and also the fact the he is not judging me or even asking any questions as to why I am crying so I nod my head saying an yes because I just realized something 

It's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to wish to quit, it's okay to feel sad and it's okay to always not the do the right thing and once in a while let go of the hold I have been forcing on myself for so long, 

so dear me, 

I am sorry but I also know that it's okay