Oh f*ck no

I can't believe I'm killing Calum

I just had a call from the hospital, from someone I hadn't spoken with before, but that doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters is my husband, who's currently on the edge of dieing.

I'm not going to waste any time any more and I'm going there. I need to say goodbye just in case, I need to see him.. hug him, share my last kiss with him. I just need to be close to him.

About to leave the door I get stopped by someone grabbing onto my shoulder.

'Calum wait!'
'I can't wait!' I snarl, 'I'm finally allowed to see him and I don't want to be too late.'
'At least take a coat with you and you forgot to put on shoes.. are you sure you're going to be able to drive?'
'I'm fine, I just want to go.'
'Let me drive,' he replies.
'I can drive! Just let me go.'

I put on my shoes and coat and make my way out of the door.

'Are you sure you don't want me to come with?' He calls after me.
'You can't, you need to stay here. They might strike and do something to the house because obviously both me and Levi aren't going to be here. I appreciate you're worried about me but you need to protect the house,' I explain, 'I'll send you a text when I reach the hospital.'
'Stay safe and tell him we're at his side whatever happens.'

I nod and start the journey to my car.

'

Turned around the key I couldn't stop myself from being nervous. What if I was too late? And what if I'm not.. what can I say to him? I need to prepare myself.. I can't just show up and say nothing, it could be our last time.

So I decide to take the notebook I tend to carry out of my bag and write down the words I needed to say to him.

'

A bit later than I had wanted I find myself on a suspiciously calm for a Saturday evening highway, but I'm not complaining. This way I could get to him decently fast.

My mind trailed off to the things the two of us had planned.

We wanted to do the wedding all over one day so I get to experience it all this time. There would be a nice calm place filled with the white and purple tulips I liked so much. We would go to a beach for the after party where I get to enjoy the company of the people I had gotten close with these past months. But all of that won't happen if he dies tonight.

Dies

The word stuck around in my head and for a few minutes I couldn't think of anything else.

My husband is about to die..
Dead.. gone, brutally taken away from my life.

We didn't even get the chance to consider adopting kids.

We didn't even get the chance to go on the vacation we had planned together.

He hadn't even learned me how to get out of handcuffs like he promised me years ago.

There was so much we wanted to do together.. so much we never had the time for.

And now we'll never be able to do any of it.

I notice warm liquid sliding down my cheeks and landing on my lap as I try to focus on the road in front of me.

I'm about to be all alone again.

The weather outside was taunting me, the sky was clear and normally I would have looked at the stars like they're diamonds, but now it only resembled Levi and the nights we stargazed or the skylight he installed just so I could fall asleep looking up at them.

To add to it tonight was a new moon indicating a new start like it was telling me that I needed to try again after seeing the game over screen.

Letting my eyee drift away for just a second I notice the car moving with me.

'Focus!' I yelled to myself, 'You can't get to say goodbye if you drive yourself of the bridge!'

Somehow my outburst helped me pick myself together and took my mind of off things for at least five minutes.

I would need fifteen minutes to get to the parking lot another ten to park my car and walk inside the hospital and around five to get to his floor.

I would be able to say goodbye in half an hour and damn it stings like a hundred paper cuts.

The last couple of weeks I wished for a normal life, a life where I would be free to go outside without risking my life. But now.. all I wished for was him. I need him.. I can't survive without him, I don't even know what I might me capable of if I lose him.

My life would never be the same again, I would need to take over his duties.. his work whether I'm behind it all or not. I wouldn't even get the chance to grief.

Without him all I have left are some loose ends I don't want to tie together.

It's all so pointless if he's not there to guide me, if he's not there to praise me.

If he's gone..

I don't see the point in moving forward anymore.