Learning to Be Happy Again

Chapter Five: That's Not Right At All

There's a knock on my door about an hour later.

"Come in," I say, getting up from my bed. I had stayed lying there ever since Tam left, wondering about feelings and trauma.

"I see Tam's not here anymore. Did that go alright?" It's Elwin, I should've guessed.

"Yeah," I say, thinking about what went down. "Yeah, it went alright. He's in a really tough place. I told him if he ever needed to talk again I'd be open."

Elwin nods. "Anything of... note?" He has that feeling of worry enveloping him again.

"Well, yeah. I think a lot of it is self loathing? His feelings of hate a guilt were all pointing, well, inward. If that makes any sense. It shrank the longer I was with him, but. Well, that part was the most note." And then I remember the hand. "Oh, actually one more thing. His hand was, like, really cold? I don't know why, but that was a thing that happened. So, yeah."

Elwin nods again. And there's something else in his eyes, a glimmer of something.

"What?"

He chuckles. "Oh, nothing. Just," and he gestures vaguely, and the twinkle becomes more apparent. Was that... pride?

"Why are you proud?" I try to look at him as intensely as possible.

"So, you were holding hands with Tam?" Elwin answers, trying very hard not to laugh again.

"I--" What? "It's not like that! Why would you, what?" Tam and I? What? Why would he--

"Woah, woah. It's okay. Just, you know." Elwin responds. "Sorry. You just don't see very many instances of, well, homosexuality here and. Sorry."

I sigh. "Well, that's not what's going on between Tam and I. We barely know eachother anyway."

"You're right, and, again, I'm sorry." He pats me on the shoulder. "Well, I'm going to make dinner. I'll call you when it's ready?"

I nod, and Elwin walks out of my room. And so I am left, again in my own thoughts, which are even more tangled then before. Elwin's mention of homosexuality brought back too many memories of flashing smiles and proud remarks, and now. Did I have a crush on Alvar? Was that what those feelings were? It makes total sense now that I look back on it, but it's still hard to imagine. Am I really gay? But I can't be. There have been girls too...

I groan and get up.

When I get to the kitchen, Huz is at the table doing some kind of paperwork, Ro is sitting on a beanbag fiddling with a knife, and Elwin is making a mess in the kitchen. I walk over to the table and sit across from Huz.

"Whatcha doing?" I ask, and Huz starts.

"Oh, hello, Keefe. I'm just filling out paperwork so that kids at the center can get the help they need. Therapy, alternative housing, extra tutoring, that sort of thing."

"Therapy?" I knew what it was, but never thought about it as an option for elves. Sophie had mentioned it one time, but I hadn't heard about it outside of that.

"Yeah, it helps kids who seek help work through their issues in a safe space. You know, Elwin and I were talking. We think that maybe you should think about talking to someone."

"But I'm fine! See look, I'm smiling!" Even though Sophie talked about how therapy was important, and wasn't only for people with really big problems, something about talking to some rando about my feelings seemed too much.

Huz looks skeptical. "Well, you certainly don't have to, but you should keep it as an option. Just in case you change your mind. And even if you are fine, it's good to have someone you don't know to talk about stuff. You get another perspective."

I shrug. "Maybe, but this sounds like something Tam needs more. I'm not the one who can't stay in a room without shadow-izing it."

Elwin gives me a look. "You have a point, but he also has extreme trust issues. I don't think he would do well in an environment with someone he doesn't know at all."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. But it's not like he trusts me either, I haven't given him any reason to." I haven't. I've been a terrible friend, really. I don't know why he decided to open up. It really makes no sense.

"But you've also been through a lot of the same things as him. I think he also feels guilty for, well, you know," Elwin says, getting quieter with the last few words.

"Who's Tam?" Huz asks.

"Oh, he's one of Keefe's friends. The one, who, uh, put him in the coma. He's in rough shape. I'll talk to you about it later."

"Is dinner ready yet? I'm starving, and you elves are boring." Ro gets up from the beanbag and walks over to the table.

"Yes, yes. Dinner is nearly ready," Elwin answers just as he pulls a dish out of the oven.

Dinner is eaten, and is delicious. It's a nice change from the cold silence back at The Shores of Solace. A feeling of warmth settles over the table, and even Ro joins in the conversation Elwin and Huz are having about how the council is actually pretty messed up. This feels like what a home should feel.