Learning to Be Happy Again

Chapter Six: Help

A/N: Hello, all. This one is tough again. There are mentions of torture (not explicitly--no descriptions--but it's mentioned) and much self depreciation. Angst, as usual.

I wake up to a tapping on my window in the middle of the night and blearily get out of bed to see what was up.

Tam is frantically knocking on my window, looking scared. I open the window and he tumbles in, breathing heavy.

"First of all, your levitating is strong, dude. Also, what happened?" I ask, looking down at him.

Tam sits up slowly, and smiles a smile that belies his pain. "Nightmares. Had to come here because I didn't wanna hurt her. My room. Black. Help."

I get down on my knees and put my hands on Tam's shoulders. He doesn't shift away, but leans into me, shuddering. He's ice cold. "Do you want a blanket? Or do you just need to talk."

Tam looks up from where his head rests on my chest. "Um, both I guess. Why a blanket though?"

That takes me aback. "You don't feel it?"

He looks confused now. "Feel what?"

"You're freezing, Tam. Do you not feel cold?" My concern grows at his answer.

"Oh, that. I got used to that months ago." He sits up and looks down.

"Well, I'm still going to get you a blanket. And talk whenever you're ready. I don't need sleep." I get up and pull the comforter off of my bed and toss it to him. He wraps the blanket around himself and curls up on the floor.

I sit down in front of him. "So, what's going on then?"

Tam's head peaks out of the comforter, and I smile a little. "Well, nightmares. You know. Just lots of dark and that suffocating feeling of everyone judging you and knowing that it's all your fault. I, sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"No, no, no. There's a reason you're talking. You can't let out the bad feelings unless you actually talk about them. And it's okay, I don't mind." I wish I could've had someone to talk to like this after I left the Neverseen. Or when I was little. But now I can just be here for Tam, because he needs it now.

He sighs. "Right, I'm sorry. What do I talk about though?" He looks apprehensive.

"You don't have to apologize, it's okay. And you can talk about whatever you need to talk about. Whatever you feel comfortable with, of course." I notice Tam's face lose some of its anguish at this.

"Well." He stops and sits up, putting his face in his hands. "Ugh, why is this so hard?"

"Take your time. It's okay." I scoot over so that I'm sitting next to Tam. "Are there any specific memories that constantly resurface? Like, sometimes out of the blue I have nightmares about being forced to learn how to become numbed to torturing. It, it wasn't. It wasn't fun." My brain goes foggy at the memory, and speaking becomes hard. A hand reaches out and holds onto mine. I smile sadly.

"Yeah, that was hard. Most of my dreams start in the isolation room actually. And then it usually goes to extreme cold training, except I'm also being told that I could hurt so many people so easily. That it would just just take a little more exertion, and I would be able to have so much power. And I hate it so much. And then the voice switches to Linh's and she tells me the same thing, and that I could protect her. That she would be safe if I wasn't such a coward." Tam's hand gets colder as it shakes, so I squeeze it gently. "And, and then the voice switches to my father. He tells me that I'm a disappointment and that he would have preferred it if just Linh was born." Tam's voice is shuddering at this point. I can't tell if it's from the continual drop in temperature or the tears that stream down his face. He leans on my shoulder and shakes. His crying sounds practiced; something that should be loud, but is nearly silent.

"Hey, hey, hey. You're okay now. It's just a dream. I'm glad you were born, and I'm sure Linh wouldn't really want you to hurt people for her safety." I reach up and run my hand through his hair, trying to calm him down.

"I know that, it's just. It's really not fun to dream about that every night, you know. Tonight it just got too much, and I didn't want to make Linh freeze again. And I just needed to not be alone."

"Do you, do you want to stay for the night? It might help with the nightmares, and besides, sleepovers are fun." I move my hand from Tam's head to around his shoulder.

"Um, sure. Yeah, I think that would be a good idea." He shifts.

"Okay, um, is it okay if we share the bed? I don't want to wake Elwin and Huz up for a mattress." I say, trying my hardest not to sound awkward. I do anyway.

"Uh, yeah. I was actually going to ask if that was okay. I just can't be alone right now. Who's Huz though?" Tam seems relieved.

"Oh, he's, uh, he's Elwin's husband."

"Oh, cool. I didn't know that that could happen. I mean, I knew that. Well. Um. Yeah."

"Yeah," I echo, suddenly not knowing what to say.

Tam's yawn takes away that need, so I get up and get into my bed. "Hey, get over here, I need my blanket back."

"Right, sorry," he answers, getting up. Tam tosses the comforter on my bed and I straighten it out.

"You don't have to be on the edge of the bed, I won't bite," I say as Tam scoots as far away as possible.

"I, I know. Just don't want to freeze you," he whispers, but scoots closer nonetheless.

"Good night, Bangs Boy," I whisper.

"Night," he mumbles.

And then the room is quiet, except for quiet breathing.