Routines \\ l.h [DISCONTINUED]

Prolouge

There is never a day in life where insecurities don't haunt us. Some days people feel fat, other days people feel ugly. Some feel worthless, others feel pressured. There are days when we even contemplate our existence. If it even matters if we're still alive the next day. If anyone is going to miss us. If anyone cares.

That's how Luke feels every second of his life. When he sees the kids at school smiling and laughing, all he can think is; 'Why can't I have that?' He doesn't hate them for being happy. If he could feel it, he'd feel good for them. But he can't. In fact, he doesn't think he'll ever be able to feel happy. His life is just so frustrating and meaningless, happiness is obsolete.

His parents got divorced when he was thirteen because him mum was cheating on his father. So, Luke's father, Andrew, packed up and took him and his brothers to Sydney, forcing him to leave behind everything of his old past. He hasn't seen his mum face to face in over three years. And his dad's new wife? Well she was the devil in disguise.

It's obvious that she didn't love Luke's dad at first. That's she was only around for the money he had. Luke would blast his A Day To Remember CDs just to drown out the arguments heard from below his bedroom. But nothing helped. And he feels like he's to blame.

Despite Luke's parent telling him that the reason they broke up was because they don't love each the way a husband and wife should, he still feels like it's all his fault. His disorder and sadness only added to his parents arguing about him and his mother forgot how to love his dad. Just like always, it's all Luke's fault.

I'm nothing but a screw up, he'd think quietly. That's when the disorder really began.

As a child, Luke wasn't always considered the 'skinniest' kid around. He wasn't obese, or fat, or overweight. He just wasn't skinny. And in ninth grade, when he had to move schools and start his life over, he'd lost the friends that had accepted him for him. He didn't receive that treatment at his new school.

Kids would call him fat and ugly, making him more self conscious and afraid. Luke wouldn't take off his shirt in the change room around the other boys and would where a swim shirt in the pool during the swimming unit. He felt like everyone would be right and laugh at his fat stomach. He didn't know what bulimia was until he saw a video in the middle of grade nine about bodily issues. Most kids would get scared from the video, but all Luke could think was; 'I can finally change myself for the better.'

The second he got home, he ate his afternoon snack, waited till no one was home and shoved a toothbrush down his throat. And once he'd done it, he'd felt awful and started crying. He didn't stop though. That day was only the beginning. After three months of forcing himself to heave the contents of his meals into a toilet bowl, Luke started to loose weight. He remembered how happy he was when he had to go out and buy all new clothes because all his other ones were too big.

But Luke still didn't feel pretty. He felt cheap. He gained friends because of how he looked, despite having dark circles around his eyes from lack of sleep, staying up late to throw up his meals while his family slept. But he'd finally been accepted into a social group. Why would he give that up?

It wasn't until the beginning of grade ten that Luke felt like he gained the weight back. He ate a whole bag of chips when he got home one day, forcing himself to hurl up the salty crisps. When his stepmum, Julie, walked into the bathroom and saw him, she didn't yell at him or call him worthless like he expected her to. She held him, stroking his hair lovingly as he cried into her shoulder, while she called nine-one-one. That's when Luke felt that his life was over.

"I just want to be perfect," Luke whispered to his doctor in the hospital bed, feeling the fresh tears escape his eyes.

"Nobody's perfect, Luke," his doctor replied. "We were made with imperfections and flaws for a reason. They aren't things to be ashamed of."