From Maddy to Zachary

Finding out...

I was bisexual was so difficult for me. I wasn't raised in a family that sees it as wrong, but I was raised in a society where it is seen as wrong. Disgusting. A sin. And honestly I was so scared. I had just been searching the Internet, randomly and I typed in

" what does it mean to like both boys and girls?"

Yes, I did know that I found both boys and girls attractive. My first kiss had been a girl even. When the wiki definition for Bisexual came up, I read it in silence. It was from there that I became scared. Most stories I had heard about people being gay or lesbian had been horrible stories. My aunt couldn't wait to leave high school, and she is a lesbian. So you see, I wasn't afraid of my family, I was afraid of society. At first, I hated myself for being Bisexual. I thought I was weird for being it. Gradually, I came to accept it. I had only told my closest friend in my 8th grade year. All my internet friends knew, but she was the first person I told in real life. When I told her, she simply said "okay, moo. I love you still." I had cried, begged her to forget it if it would ruin our friendship and she simply accepted me and told me she had many gay/lesbian/bisexual friends. I felt so happy afterward, so relieved that she accepted me. My mother, oh she was a different story. I didn't tell her. She snooped through my phone and read all the messages between this girl I really liked and myself.
One day she just dropped the bomb on me.
"I know what you are."
I was shocked, stunned, I cried. I didn't know what she was talking about.
"When did you begin to like girls?"
She said it in such a judgmental tone that I began crying harder. I told her I'd know for a while now, that I was still her daughter and that I wasn't any different than when she didn't know. She just brushed it off, pretended I didn't say anything, that I wasn't bisexual.
It was only a month later when I was really accepting myself as being bisexual that she had read my messages with my best friend and accused me of hitting on her.
I tried to explain that I'm not someone who hits on straight people. My friend and I hadn't even spoken about my sexuality since that day I told her. My mother cut me off from all my friends then. I was only allowed to talk to them about certain things, I wasn't allowed to see them outside of school, in school I could only see them during classes. I was so alone. My friend began pulling away from me slowly and I found that gym class made me uncomfortable. Changing in a room full of girls that some I found attractive was hard for me. I would hide in the showers to change. People began calling me "Lesbian" "Freak" "Weird". I became depressed. Very depressed. I hated life, I began hurting myself. Yes, I self harmed. I cried myself to sleep at night, wrote suicide letters and even stood on the chair and tied a rope around my neck, but I couldn't step off. Something wouldn't let me. And I'm glad it didn't let me die.

X Zachary X