Between The Bars | A Lizkook AU

20.

"You okay, Gook?" 

He opened his eyes to the old man's voice. He was so lost in thoughts that he hadn't realized his dad coming out from the house and towards him! Jungkook sighed a small smile and nods. 

"Just feel a little hot in there -" He lied. The truth is that it's too hard to watch or even hear her, laughing along and enjoying the random conversations with his mother. It's harder to accept that she belongs here with his parents, but not with him.

His father nodded nonchalantly, looking out to the street. "Your mom told me that you said she's met someone new?"

Oh, here we go...Jungkook kicked the nothingness on the ground to appear casual, keeping both hands in his pockets like he didn't mind talking about it at all.

"I um...I'm not sure if she has. I haven't got into that detail with her yet. But when I thought that - it was actually her cousin. But of course, she could have,"

He heard his father taking a deep breath and exhaled sharply. "If it's true...you know what you need to do right?"

"Yeah...I mean, what else can I do right?" He chuckled, but the waterworks has a mind of its own - forcing their way out in his eyes. "She um...yeah...if she's happy, I'm happy,"

He could feel his father's eyes on him as he tries to gather himself. He never liked showing his vulnerabilities to his dad. A few seconds passed before he felt the hand on his shoulder. 

"It's okay if you need time. I know I'm not always around, but you've grown so much - I'm proud of you. Your mom's proud of you...you know that right? I'm sure Lisa's proud of you too,"

He nods as his lips quivered - trying to suppress the overwhelming turmoil inside. 

"You made a mistake. You learned from it. It doesn't define who you are, okay? It took me a long time to realize when I made my own mistakes, so I'm telling you now. Forgive yourself. You won't be able to move forward if you don't so just...learn to forgive yourself now,"

The dam broke and he can't stop himself from shaking - sobbing - like crazy! Those words...it meant so much coming from his father. More so after knowing what he had done in the past - a history repeating itself. 

It's funny how he held on to the idea that Lisa will come back to him once he found her. It was what kept him going. But now...that same idea had somehow vanished into thin air and he wasn't sure about anything anymore. The only thing that seems to be confirmed is that she's leaving tomorrow. And there's nothing he can do about it.

Briefly he thought if he could stay here for awhile...take some time off. But he needs to get the recording done with Lee Hi first, so maybe after. Yeah...there's no way he could endure the lonely nights for the time being. Reality is now right at his doorstep and it's knocking hard. He's just gonna have to suck it up until then!

How long would he feel this way? How long until he'll stop crying for her - needing her? 

...

She gave each of his parents a long hug - assuring them that she'll call once she's settled in - before getting into the passenger seat next to him. Jungkook forced a smile as he waved goodbye to them. 

He had purposedly put on some music - loud enough to distract his mind but soft enough to be a lullaby for her. There's so many things he wanted to talk to her about...but he changed his mind and decided to just keep everything to himself. She's done more than enough. She was kind to him and kind to his parents, so he's thankful. 

"Kooki-ya...are you okay?" He didn't dare to turn to her soft voice. His eyes felt swollen from the crying with his father earlier and he doesn't know if it shows. He didn't want her to worry so he nodded and smiled.

"You must be tired. You can sleep first, I'll wake you up once we reach," She didn't answer him immediately but he could feel her eyes on him. 

"I'm okay," She finally said. "I um...I left the keys of my house to eomma. She insisted she'll look after it while I'm gone,"

Focus on the road, Jungkook...just breathe and focus on the road...

"If it's not too much to ask, maybe uh...maybe you can ask her not to wear herself out too much? There's not cleaning needed for the house,"

"Okay," Is all he could mutter. 

"Are you sure you're okay? You seem tired,"

Am I okay - no, no I'm not! You're leaving me again, of course I'm not okay! But she doesn't need to know that so he nodded - again.

...

Forgive yourself...just stop beating yourself up and forgive yourself. How the hell can he do that? Nevermind - forgive yourself -

Jungkook repeats the chants again in his mind for the umpteenth time. He pulls a stop in front of the residence and lets out a sigh. That felt like the longest journey ever - damn! He looks to his left. He thought she was asleep but she wasn't. Not a single word has been said since they left Busan - was she even asleep at one point or has she been quiet like him the whole way through??

Lisa unbuckled the seatbelt slowly - as if she's buying time to still be here in the car with him - and for a second, he lets himself imagine that she didn't want to leave. That she wanted to spend more time with him -

"So um..." She tucked a strand of hair behind one ear. 

This is the only time of the day that Jungkook allows himself to stare at her. Her eyes still looked too big on her small, cute face. Her bangs - although parted slightly - still falls nicely, complimenting every exact features he memorized. Her full, plump lips - now pouting - still managed to steal his sight and attention. 

He remembers how she looked like exactly 8 years ago when he saw her at the backyard. And he remembers how she looked like at 17 - when he confessed his feelings to her and she confessed the same. He remembers how she looked like on all his birthdays and hers, and the look in her eyes when he asked for the break-up. 

That will forever be his least favourite. They've argued so many times while they were together - he would still welcome her piercing, pissed-off look than that night. 

"You could've told me," He finds himself saying. Her eyes seems confused and wary as they fall on him. "You could've told me that you didn't plan on coming back to me. I would still try my best to find you, you know,"

"I -" There's a glint in her eyes and Jungkook had to look away. 

"I wanted you back...but more than that, I wanted your forgiveness. I wanted you to know that you didn't deserve it - that I didn't mean what I said and I regretted every day of my life for what happened. I wanted you to see how miserable I am without you - and maybe...maybe if you have forgiven me and you still love me, you'd find it in your heart to be with me again. I know...I was stupid, and I'm probably gonna be selfish again if I were to ask you for that so I won't,"

A tear fell uninvited and Jungkook wiped it away quickly. 

"I won't ask you to stay, and I won't ask you to come back to me. I've learned a lot of things...remembered a lot of things...and what I'm most sure of is that it doesn't matter how far you are from me or - or how long you don't speak to me - my heart will still beat the same for you. So what I will say is that I love you. Lily, I love you. No matter how far your path takes you, or who you ended up choosing to spend your life with - I will always love you. I um..." 

He held his sobs in while taking the USB from his pocket. 

"I made this for you," He placed it on her opened palm. "You can listen to it whenever you get the chance - it's up to you," 

He braved himself to look at her again. Her cheeks are now tear-stained. Her eyes seem like they're holding an unspeakable guilt and it made him feel worse for making her cry again. 

"It's late. I'm sure you have a lot of things to pack. Go up and have a good rest, okay?" He forced a big smile and patted softly on her hair. 

She nods before taking her bag and getting out of the car. Jungkook watched her walk away - planting the image in his memory as the last time he lets her go. 

...