your static voice beside mine

the truth is a fickle thing

The words hit Johnny in the gut like a train speeding towards him. He suddenly notices that his throat is drying, forcing him to take in more air. He couldn't seem to form any words. The thought of Josh leaving was too much to handle.

His friendship with Josh was like a dream. He just never realized that one day he'd have to wake up.

"Johnny? Are you still there?" Josh asks over the line, still buzzing with newfound emotion over his decision.

"Yeah, I'm here," Johnny says as he clears his throat.

"So what do you think? Should I go?" Josh freezes as he waits for a response.

"Well you never really considered how I felt in this now did you?" Johnny practically spits the words, not processing how upset this is making him.

Josh is taken aback. Is he angry at him?

"I've been thinking about this for a while, but you just helped me realize that I need to pursue what I want. Isn't that how you feel?"

"I feel like I've been used," Johnny mutters.

"Used? You're kidding me? After everything you've told me, you feel used?"

"I just wish I had a say in this-"

"It's my decision in the end!"

"Then why did you ask me how I felt?" Johnny shouts, getting louder as the tiredness and hopeless he's tried to suppress comes spilling over.

"Because I thought you'd reassure me!"

"You just wanted me to tell you what you wanted to hear! I've dealt with people like you before. I know what this is!"

"People like me?" Josh is growing more frustrated by the minute. He's so confused. Why is Johnny so upset?

"Yeah. People like you. They have this savior complex. 'Oh look at me, helping people and using them to feel better about my shitty life and my shitty decisions! I think I'll leave them when they need me the most because I have no use for them anymore!' La dee fucking da!"

Josh feels the tears rolling down his face before he has time to stop them. He's never heard Johnny swear, never heard him in such turmoil.

"Is that really what you think of me?"

"It seems pretty fucking accurate."

Josh feels like he's been sucker punched in the face. His anger rises, crimson colored and uncontrollable. "Well I think you just use people and guilt them into telling you their problems so you can make them feel like shit! Every time something doesn't go your way, you cry. Sorry if your life isn't sunshine and rainbows. Some of us are living in the real world. We have to work and struggle for what we want."

"You think I haven't struggled?"

Suddenly Josh regrets everything he's said, but Johnny isn't finished.

"Every day for the past 4 years, I've felt like I don't even want to live. I've struggled to just exist without hating myself. I want to die Josh! Do you not think that's enough of a struggle? You don't know anything. Fuck you!"

Johnny's voice cracks as he bursts into tears. Josh hears these and increasingly feels more guilty.

"Johnny! Johnny, I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of it! I'm just overwhelmed, that's all. I'm sorry."

Johnny gets up and wipes his eyes on his sweatshirt as the sound of Josh's apologies muddle and fade. His eyes dart around as the panic sets in. The unfinished basement, makeshift instrument set up, and concrete walls are caving in on him. He feels like he's in a prison. He can't escape.

He stumbles to the door to the garage. He flings it open as he spots some rope on the shelves near his and his roommates' cars. He runs to grab it as Josh hears the frantic pacing.

"Johnny? Johnny! What are you doing?" Josh yells as he tries to make out what's happening from the other end.

"I already told you Josh. I want to die."

Josh feels his heart practically jump out of his chest as his stomach drops.

"No no no, Johnny- no- you don't have to do this. There's always another way," Josh pleads as he fumbles over his words.

"The only reason I've felt better is you. And now that you're leaving, I don't even have any reason to stay. You'll never talk to me again. There's no use for me anymore. You only delayed the inevitable. There isn't another way Josh. Face it."

"Yes there is. Taking your own life will accomplish nothing! There are so many people that care about you! Please Johnny!"

Josh tries to get through to him but Johnny talks over him, stuck in a limbo in his own thoughts. He begins to tie the rope to the ceiling fan.

"I should've just listened to my parents. I had a whole scholarship. And I threw it away to make music that no one will listen to," Johnny cries out as his words rush and slur together. "I should've just listened to the old man who told me that dreams are dead. I should've just ended it that night!"

"What are you talking about?" Josh asks, but he's ignored.

"I'm not who I'm supposed to be!" Johnny screams. "I shouldn't be here! I've messed everything up!"

"What about your band mates? Won't they miss your music and your voice? What about your friends? Won't they miss the way you ramble on about all the things you love? What about your family and your parents? Won't they miss their eldest son?" Josh pleads hurriedly at him, but he's ignored yet again.

"No one loves me. I'm a burden. They'll be glad that I'm gone," Johnny says with defeat.

Josh has had enough. He's so scared that he's sobbing and running around the room.

"What about me goddammit! What about me?"

Johnny stops and finally listens.

"You don't care either. I let you in and you got too close. You were just gonna leave like everyone else. You admitted it yourself."

"Don't you get it?" Josh yells.

"What?" Johnny yells like the whole world is watching.

"You're the only person in the world who's actually listened to me. You're my best friend, my only friend. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I just let you die. Please Johnny. Don't do this."

Johnny begins to fasten the rope as he hears crying from the other end.

"I love you!" Josh screams.

And with a click, Johnny hangs up the phone. He throws his phone across the room with all that's left in him, and he collapses to the floor in violent sobs.

Realizing that Johnny isn't on the other end, Josh screams. He cries for someone, anyone. No one is there. He's alone. He fumbles with the numbers on his phone and frantically tries to call back. He doesn't even know if Johnny's okay.

No answer.

"He's gotta pick up," Josh wails out as he punches the numbers again.

No answer.

"Pick up," Josh panics and does it again.

No answer.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? PICK UP!" Josh begins crying even harder as he punches the keys as hard as he can.

"JOHNNY!! PICK UP! PICK UP! PICK UP!" His voice breaks as he slams into the floor.

He doesn't know how long he's there, crying out to no one and trembling. Minutes, hours...it felt like an eternity. He lays paralyzed in the heat of the passing moments, life slowly draining of color.

And then finally after time stands still, he gets up and goes to his room. And he shuts the door behind him.

Yeah I'm really sorry about this chapter...I hope whoever is reading this is ok. Drink some water, eat something (if you can), and try to do something you love today. You're important and so special. Even though you may feel alone, you never are. Don't ever forget that.