Dark poems

A promise of 25 (important)

This will be about a promise i made to myself almost 6 years ago.
It helped me to minimize and eventually prevent self harm and to make sure i lived to write this today.
Its a method i created myself and not something that replaces actual genuine medical help.
But if you feel like this is something that can help you. Then by all means.

——
I'm not too sure if its a good thing to post this, but i know it has helped me through some difficult years. Times where i thought i wouldn't even get to see the end of the coming week. And if this can help even one person then im glad to have shared it. 

This is the method i used. And still am.
Aside from this method i sought out medical help and support from loved ones.
But in my own time. My own mind. Moments where it was me in a battle against myself, this was the thing that was my shield to keep me standing and my sword to cut my way into a more hopeful future.

I made a deal with myself when i was 15.
That i should live and aspire to my 25th birthday.
I choose my 25th because after rough drafting my school years i guessed that 25 would be around the age where i would be in a good state. Graduated and with a job or with the opportunities of one.
25 to me was the precipice of a stable life.

I set a few rules for myself.
-no self harm
-plan as if you're gonna make it
-if you still havent in the past years. Then the last year you Will get a therapist and talk about it.

So i promised to myself that i would make it to my 25th birthday no matter what. No matter how rough times were. How bad i felt. I was going to atleast make it till 25. Only then do i get to decide if i want to move on, but i was going to give myself those last years.

The first years were rough. There have been many days and weeks where i thought i wouldn't make it but i refused to break my own promise. To just see it through to the other side and prove my past self wrong. That things would be better. That they could be.

But when i look back. I can see how despite the rough start, that after a few years everything started to get a bit better. In small ways or big ways. I learned more about myself. I made new friends. I finally got the courage to talk to a doctor about things. I found my passion for painting and sculpting.

When i was 15 i could barely imagine myself making it past 18.
And now im almost 22. Im graduating into a field i love. Im moving out and sharing a house with the friends i made. And for the first time in years, i am planning for the future.

Becoming 25 seemed daunting years ago.
It felt like a D-Day to me. The year where i would either quit it all or pass on into the future. And now its still a bit scary, but much less with each year and finally.
After almost six years, i can finally see myself turning 26.

So if like me you feel like you might not even make it until the end of the year.
Then set a timer.
Think how much years you need to get to a stable spot and add a few 'settle in' years.
(I knew i was going to finish college at 22 so i gave myself 3 extra years to get things sorted and get a job)
When you have your time set, make some ground rules with yourself and although it can be difficult try to stick to them.
Make sure you reach out about it to someone you trust and that, no matter how reluctant you are, that you will seek out a therapist in your last year if you dont have one already. Even if you have done so before. Even if things seem alright. If you still think of your year promise then find someone professional to talk to about it.
If you don't need to think about the promise anymore, if you've forgotten all about it. Then its done its job to assure you get yourself to a better place in your life.

There is so much to experience.
Give yourself the time to see it through.
Be stubborn and prove your past self wrong.

You Can make it.

If anyone wants to talk to me about this then feel free to reach out. Anytime.

Take care,
-Reth