A Book Of Everything Marvel

When pain invites guilt into the party of death

Warnings: Depression, guilt, self harm, blood, suicide 
Summary: Peter Quill knows it was his fault they lost the war, and everyone else knows. They hate him. They hate the guy who ruined the universe. And... Peter Quill can't take the pain anymore. 
FYI: Peter Quill survived Infinity War but everyone else who originally died are dead.

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"Oh man..."  Peter Quill muttered after he watched his team and a child fall into nothing but ash and soot. Instant realization hit him like a bus, breaking his heart. It was his fault Thanos prevailed, it was him who killed everyone, him. He watched Tony Stark grieve Peter Parker, tightly holding onto the ashes of the kid. Nebula held a blank stare, looking at Tony, and Quill stood horrified, his body filling with grief and guilt. 

After a long time of standing in silence, waiting for someone to speak or move, Tony stood up and walked up to Quill. "It was you. Y'know? This is all your fault!" 

"I-I-I-" Quill stammered, searching for words and he stepped away from the billionaire. "I- I know I made a great mistake by attacked Thanos, but my emotions got the best of me! Do you not think I don't feel guilty?!" 

"You shouldn't even done anything! Now we lost, and it's all on you." Tony's voice sunk to a dangerously low tone. It was laced with venom and poison. 

Nebula spoke up "Come on. We can't fight, not here. Let's get on the Milano... And try to get home." 

Quill let out a shaky sigh, "I'll see if Its not damaged.. I'll be able to f-fly us home.." 

The three of them began to walk towards the Milano, the air was thick and filled with the smell of dirt and musk. The sound of their shoes thumping against the dirty and gravel covered ground was the only thing they heard besides their own breathing. The orange tinted clouds crawled over the sapphire blue sky. 

Quill quickly checked over everything on the Milano, making sure everything was working fine and was safe to fly. Thankfully, it was in good shape. "Everything's fine with the ship, just... sit back and.. I'll get us to Terra." 

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It was night time when they arrived. It took them two days to get back to Earth. It was silent. Quill didn't barge into anything Tony and Nebula were doing. He just sat up front and and kept his eyes on the starry abyss of space. He was tired, but he couldn't sleep nor rest. He just hoped that Groot and Rocket were okay... He already had to find out the love of his life was dead and watch his team fade to dust. He's been going through it over the years. Being dragged away from his dead mother, killing his celestial father, and floating there useless as he watched he man who raised him die. He just wasn't ready to find out Gamora was dead, and he definitely wasn't ready to see half of his team die. He was all alone. 

When the reached Earth, Quill landed the Milano outside the Avengers compound, where some of the Avengers and Pepper stood looking. Nebula helped Tony out of the ship while Quill stepped out after them. He watched as they shared a few words,  and when Tony said "I lost the kid" He new that that spider kid was special to him. 

"Whos he?" Pepper Potts asked after reuniting with Tony. 

"Peter Quill.." Quill said silently, he didn't care about being upbeat and saying Star-Lord. He knew that everyone would soon grow to have a burning hatred for him, as it was his fault everyone was dead.  

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Quill was right.

Oh damn he was right.

When everyone found out what happened on Titan, everyone fucking despised him. 

Even Rocket didn't wanna speak to him. He treated him like some dirty traitor! But.. maybe that's what Quill is. 

He is welcome at the compound to sleep, but he's usually out taking walks and contemplating his own death. When the sun shines on the darkest days, his cold heart stays covered in frost. He knows there is nothing else out there for him, so he lets the blood drip from the ugly red lines that lay over his wrist. 

He walks down the streets as the sun sets over the horizon in the distance, letting the last rays of sunlight soak his skin. He has planning his suicide for a while now, he was going to really kill himself. I mean there really isn't anything left for him, honestly. He was a lost soul, a broken individual, a killer. 

He was walking back to compound after a very long walk around the place. The moon was beginning to show up in the sky surrounded by the stars you couldn't really see. He walked into the compound and straight to where he was staying, ignoring the glares and dirty looks. When he walked into his room, he breathed in and closed the door. He grabbed a piece of a paper and pencil, beginning to write a suicide note. 

I don't really know how to start this but here I go. I'm sorry for losing my temper on Titan, if It wasn't for me, we'd win and everyone would be alive. So if everyone I care about is dead, and everyone hates me, I guess it's my turn to die. 

Rocket, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I know how much you miss Groot and the others, and it's all my fault. The sun will shine soon, i'm sure. Welp.. I guess this is it. Thanks for everything, and again I'm sorry for the pain I have caused. Bye... 

Quill sighed and put the note on the bed. He grabbed the blade he used to cut himself, and sat down on the ground. He took in a shaky breath, tears beginning to form in his eyes. He sat there pressing the blade to is wrist, ready to cut and bleed out and die, but it took him a while. He was contemplating and thinking if he should really do it. Memories he collected flashed before his eyes. Mom, Yondu, the guardians, saving the galaxy, Gamora.. If he died, he'd see them... But.. is it worth it? 

Yes. 

He did it. 

He dragged the blade over his wrist, then he quickly dragged it over his other wrist. He watched the blood drip and winced, then he slit his throat. His vision got blurry, and he let himself bleed out and fade into unconsciousness. He saw stars, and he was finally free. 

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Rocket was walking down the hall, he stopped at Quills door. He didn't hate Quill at all, he was angry at him, but he still cared. He was family, the only family he had left. He noticed Quill hasn't been out of his room in a while, so he decided to check if he was ok. 

The raccoon opened the door and stepped in. "Quill you haven't been out in a whi-" 

His eyes widened when he saw Quills pale body on the ground with puddles of blood on the ground. He ran over to check his pulse, hoping to find something. His body was cold, and there was.. no pulse. 

He was gone... And now.. Rocket has no one.