A Book Of Everything Marvel

Animal I Have Become

Warnings: Depression, anxiety, mental health, self harm, suicide, self-hate, trapped in own body
Summary: Loki has been trapped inside his own body for so long. He was forced to spread misery across the land, he was in pain. When he was finally free, he hoped for forgiveness. But all he got was hatred and even more pain.

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Loki may have wanted the throne, but he never wanted war. He was trapped inside his own body, not being able to escape. He's tried many times, but he was still caged inside. He begged and begged for some savior to get him out of this hell, but no one heard him. People couldn't see the real him, the one who lived inside. They only saw the evil and horrid creature who brought doom to every living organism around him. 

He misses freedom, he misses being cared for, he misses being known for good and not evil. He would lay in his cell and stare at the ceiling, waiting and waiting. Listening to the voices screaming at him, forcing him to drag the dagger across his skin. Coloring it in red ugly lines. He enjoyed the pain, it got his mind off the world. His brother would rise up as a king while he rots in chains, but I guess it's fate. 

But when the evil soul that corrupted his body, he felt happiness tug at his sleeves like an excited child. He tried telling everyone what happened. Thor, Valkyrie, The avengers.. But nothing got through them. They all said he was crazy, and pushed him away. He felt broken and hopeless, knowing the sun will shine on him again. 

Thor looked over him with disappointed and sad eyes, he wanted to believe Loki, he wanted to be his brother again. But he was afraid he would fall for one of his dirty tricks again. "I wish I could believe you, brother."

Valkyrie pushed him away. She was hard and serious. She cared for Loki, but she couldn't forgive what he has done. Even if he was trapped, his sins against humanity were too serious to push away. "You're evil deeds are too serious to forgive, Loki." 

And the Avengers were a whole different story. They nearly laughed in his face, pushing him away and shutting him out. Not wanting to have to fight another battle, they weren't going fall into the hands of Loki. Why would they believe the god of lies anyways? 

But the spider-kid... He looked so fondly at Loki. He went to shake his hand, but was dragged away from Stark. "Don't go near Loki, Peter! He's evil!" 

So he was alone. Broken, hopeless, depressed, and alone. 

He was an animal. A dirty, rapid, ugly, evil animal. Just one hungry for flesh and scent of blood. Ready to unsheathe his claws and attack his opponent. No one wanted to be near him, not even the smallest spec of dust. He was a foul creature.  

Which is why his wrists were colored with red lines. After every anxiety attack, he would cut. More blood each time. Soon both his arms were covered in red. Every single red line that covered his skin made him hate himself even more. He began to believe that when the evil left, they left a little evil in him. He wanted someone to help him believe he was not the animal everyone thought he was.

But this was the darkest side of him, no one could change the animal he has become. He was too far gone. He was so far into a dirty old rut that there was nothing there for him. So he knew what he had to do. 

He walked along the road silently. Rain was falling and hitting his umbrella, making a soothing sound to fill Loki's ears. 

Tap

Tap

Tap 

Tap 

He let out a sigh as he stepped into a store. He folded his umbrella, looking around the store. It was quiet and still, only the sound of paper moving and silent music playing. He breathed in and walked down an aisle, searching for rope. When he found some, he took it. It was thick and long enough, he would be able to use it well. On his way he grabbed paper and pencils. Stepping up to the counter, the cashier looked at him with concern. When she realized it was Loki, she quickly checked all his items in and told him the price. He payed and was on his way. 

When he returned to the shitty little room Tony supplied him at the compound (it was very small. It only fit one bed and one desk. He was happy he got a room though. He was glad he wasn't on the streets). He tied a noose and hooked it up to a hook he already prepared. he grabbed a piece of paper and began to write his suicide note. 

"I tried telling you all that I was trapped in
my own body, but you wouldn't listen. No
one wanted to help me, not even a 
therapist. I prayed every night that 
someone would wake me from this nightmare, 
but no one did. All I wanted was a friend, someone 
who cared for me. But no one came, no one let me 
speak the truth because you were so blinded by my
lies. And now... here I am. 
I'm sorry thor for all the bad I have done to you. I do 
truly love you. I'm sorry I couldn't show you that. 
I'm sorry you had to see the darkest side of me, and I
hope that in the future you will learn from my mistakes. 
Goodbye, everyone.
                    -Loki" 

Loki put the letter on the bed and he stood on a chair, putting the noose around his neck and tightening it so he couldn't break free. He looked out the window to the cloudy day sky, breathing in and kicking the chair down. He closed his eyes as he took his last breath, darkness consuming his body.

And just like that, the light flickered out.