CHAPTER 36

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The next day, Damien e-mails me in an attempt to apologize, and it is more like, "I'm sorry, but you hurt me, so I had to hurt you back":

"I'm sorry about everything. You honestly hurt me when you said those things and I really tried to resolve stuff, but you just kept saying more hurtful things. Last night, I just felt like, what is the point if you really said all of those things about me. I really never wanted it to be like this, but I felt like it was out of my hands and there was nothing I could do. I really loved and cared about you. I just felt like if I kept trying you would see, but then you sent me that long paragraph the other night, and it just pushed me over the edge. I felt like things were doing good until this. Then, you started saying all of that stuff. We both said things. But, there is nothing more that can be done, I guess. I just wanted to say sorry for everything."

I don't even know what to say, as everything that he has said to me still stings, and his apology seems to place all of the blame on me. Two weeks later, I wish him a happy birthday, something that I mull over for days if I should or not, but finally, I decide that his cruelty can't erase my inner kindness and light, or how hopeful I used to be, long before him. It makes me feel dejected and miserable that these may be the last words that I ever say to him.

I look at the poems that I wrote throughout our relationship, in which I felt depressed and distraught. They are filled with mistaken longing and hopeful words.

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