The girl who wore a suit to School.

Cassie

As soon as I left I called an ambulance for Ellerie and returned to her, despite wanting to run and as fast as I could I was still drawn to her. I waited with an unconscious Ellerie clearly exhausted by her injuries and the days events. Her skin was soft and her bruises didn't mar her beauty her hair  had been parted on the left hand side and the extra hair pushed over to the right. I had noticed that she often ran her hand through her hair when she was nervous.

When I was nervous I tended to bite my nails a nasty habit that I couldn't seem to break at the moment my nails were bitten to stubs and I suspected before the weekend was gone they would be all but gone. As soon as the paramedics arrived I hurtled off home promising I would visit, I wasn't sure if I would but I couldn't think of anything except getting home and sleeping for a thousand years. I raced upstairs and locked the door sliding down breathing heavily, all thoughts of sleep gone. My mind was racing my heart was too, all for one simple reason. My mom had asked how my day had been, I couldn't ignore the utter confusion in my head
'was I gay?' I couldn't be could I? No I'm sure it was just a girl crush but it didn't feel like just a girl crush. I've had crushes on boys before and this is way more intense way more real. No it couldn't be real, I literally hated this gir 2 months ago I couldn't like her. She was annoying and bravely stupid or stupidly brave I couldn't tell. I'm pretty certain that she is a Griffindoor I was a total Slytherin ambitious and smart but not reckless like she seemed to be. Not that I was particular fan of the author right now now not after she's said all that horrible stuff I still loved the story but was conflicted by the fact that she was now saying all that terrible stuff.

But that wasn't the point right now I struggled with my unconfirmed feelings that wrestled inside me much like the weather outside a catagory 5 storm was raging outside and I decided that I had to visit Ellerie for nothing else but to be there for her as a friend.

I arrived at St. Andrews hospital at 3pm with chocolates which I knew she loved. My heart was running at 100 miles per hour as I checked in at the front desk, and headed up the stairs too much energy to take the lift. I needed to occupy my mind which was begging me to leave and my heart begging me to stay. It was fight or flight but I was never one to run from my problems however much I wanted to, perhaps I was braver than I thought.

As I walked in the room I saw the person who had occupied my thoughts the entire weekend. She sat up in her bed "hey Cassie". " she smiled and my heart stopped or perhaps it was beating to fast to feel.   " hi El how are you, I brought chocolates I thought you'd prefer it to grapes. "I said a lot more camly than I felt.
"these are my favourite chocolates how did you know?" she questioned laughing I loved her laugh, it sounded like a bubbling Brook, I shrugged and we talked for an hour and I managed to relax slightly. But I was exceptionally aware of everything I  said and cringed internally, I seemed to be completely socially inept around her. By the end of visiting hours I could no longer deny that I  just wanted to kiss her the entire time but what this meant for me I wasn't sure. Did that mean I liked her?

As I left and she waved goodbye a lot happier than when I arrived, I suddenly realised that I needed to talk to someone, anyone about my feelings for the English transfer student. I couldn't tell my mom or dad the mere thought sent me back to denial. No I don't think that would be a good idea, maybe a friend but I couldn't trust Emma to be mature about this. Perhaps a teacher then yes I thought that would be the best idea but which one there were so many that loved me, but I worried they would see me differently; in fact when I thought, about it, there was only one teacher I  could even think about talking to, Miss. Padma.

Even still it takes me a week, my mind arguing with itself constantly. It's Wednesday lunchtime and Ellerie is still away, I can no longer take it. I race to her classroom, "Miss. Blake are you alright?" she asks concerned. I shake my head collapse Into a chair and burst into tears almost 15 minutes of bawling my eyes out I finally manage to get some words out.
" I didn't know who to talk to, I think.... I think I've fallen in love" I sob "with Ellerie Johnson."
The tears stained my face as Miss. Padma said "being gay isn't bad you know"
" I know that and I have gay friend I just never thought.." I trailed off.
"you never thought you were one of them" she stated finishing my sentence. I nodded feeling terrible, "don't feel bad, figuring this stuff out without throwing love into the mix, love is complex and messy and confusing but it's a wonderful part of life that we all want and sometimes need, I know I did." she said smiling at her wedding ring which I had always wondered about." what do you mean miss? " I asked.
" well when I was your age I was going a bit off the rails my mom had just died a year before and I went a bit mad. Rebelling, getting drunk at parties hooking up with boys and girls. Then I met Amaya, she was a young Muslim woman who gave a talk in our school about fleeing from Syria, both her parents were dead and she had seen them murdered in front of her as a child, she came to the USA with her aunt and uncle she was such a powerful speaker, it reminded me that although my pain was valid, my reaction wasn't. She had gone through so much more than me and she was still fighting for good. I asked her afterwards how she managed to stay positive, she said her parents would want her to have a good life, that's how we met, we eventually fell in love, she put me on the right path and we married 5 years ago, I took her name to always remind myself that I am where I am because of her."

I smiled perhaps my life wouldn't be over, if I just started questioning these feelings I had, it would be much better than denying them. I grinned packed up and went home to sleep for the first time in a week, finally I could rest.

Sup fam how we doing do you like the process for Cass she really didn't get an easy way to learn she's not straight. This was very much me 3 years ago lol. BTW I meant what I wrote about J. K. Rowling she's awful and us lgbtq people have to stick together and honestly I wish I was good enough to have a trans girlfriend or boyfriend or even significant other, you are all amazing and you always have an ally in Ireland!