Give Me One Good Reason (prev: 13 Reasons) (HIATUS)

(2) Dear Diary

Previously

Kim Mitzuki grabbed a large duffel bag and threw some clothes and personal belongings in it, after making sure he had his wallet, phone and charger, he dropped the house keys on the bench. Not looking back the pastel haired boy walked out the door and vanished into the night.

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Almost one year after "that night" *

Dear Diary,

Ya know what? Dear Diary sounds really stupid I'll call you... Hope. Yeah, I like that. Let's start again...

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Dear Hope,

I'm sorry it's been ages since I've written in here... It's been a year, to be exact. Twelve months of hell, and learning to recover. But, I did it.

I did it though. I told Izuka it was over and I left him. Not before he beat the shit out of me and he ... did other stuff too ... worse than most the other times, it wasn't this bad the other times when he forced me but at least this time I was unconscious before he was finished. So when I woke up I ran away.

He told me he'd been screwing other people again. Girls and guys, it didn't matter as long as he was satisfied with it. I know running away is normally something cowards do but I had to do it or I think he was gonna kill me, like LITERALLY he was gonna kill me, the last time I ran away and he found me, he whipped the living shit out of me with his belt - but this time he ... he ... raped me. He knew I was assaulted and he chose to do it again. Love can only blind someone for so long, before... Damn. I just had to leave.

That's a hard word to write and worse knowing that he did that to me, someone he claimed he loved, he never said he was in love with me and I told him both all the time. That I loved him and that I was in love with him. Fuck me. What an idiot I am. He never loved me, he wanted me because he could show me off, "The Kim Mitzuki", modelling diamond in the rough! Model of the Year for three years running. I could have gotten a gig with Gucci before "he" got to me.

Until him. Until the bruises I couldn't hide. The scars I couldn't cover, the cuts. Sometimes I really believe I deserved everything, other times I know that he is the sick one not me but it doesn't make any of this any easier to handle. I'm seeing someone about it. They suggested I write a diary and talk it out - you know - about the stuff I don't want to talk about with them yet or that I'm not comfortable with talking to them about. Miss Wen is ... nice.

It's not easy for me to talk about any of this.

After Izuka did what he did all I could do was leave for good. I needed to get as far away from him and away from anyone who knows him. I want to be where no-one knows me and where my stupid ex and his stupid friends and his stupid minions can't and won't find me.

Finally Izuka's own alcohol fueled actions gave me the courage to leave - I found the last piece of me to finally leave him. It wasn't like I didn't think about it, I know I did.. Not that I wrote anything down because if he'd seen it I would have been dead. Like dead dead - the "nobody would ever find my body" kind of dead. And it's not like I didn't try to end things with him either - but he always found a way to sweet-talk me into coming back to him. 

Not this time.

Not again.

Not EVER again.

After I disappeared, I changed my appearance now so he won't find me if he comes looking for me. I hope. Lan Wuxian helped me dye my hair, it's kind of a light caramel colour now and it's so not my favourite but if it helps me blend in and be... forgettable, I guess... like I want to be, then I'm going to stick with it for longer. I don't wear a lot of bright colours any more, or fashionable pieces that could look really pretty or nice on me, mostly dark colours and outfits that blend in - clothes that make me invisible in a way to most people.

I want to be forgettable.

I mean, I know it's been a while but I don't know if I'd be strong enough to stand up to Izuka if he finds me. The thought of him terrifies me and I'm still having nightmares about that last night especially. There were other nights where he'd hit me or yell at me and I know technically it's abuse but I always told myself that it was my fault...

Sometimes I feel like my nightmares are so real and I'm going to drown in my anxiety or that I'll have a panic attack while I'm at work it stresses me out so bad. Don't get me wrong, like, I've met some really nice people in the last few months but I'm afraid if I open up or get too friendly I'll be hurt again or Yang will find me and hurt any friends I've made - the way he hurt Taehyung and BamBam. Or what if the people who pretend to be my friends turn against me and treat me the way he did?

I'm absolutely terrified he will find me. Terrified.

I haven't had a panic attack for THREE whole weeks! Jinhong Eijirou and Lan Yibo helped calm me down and Sizhui too, one of the Lans' sons, last time I was caught up in one. I swear I saw one of Yang's friends, not that I know what she'd be doing almost a thousand miles away from the shithole I was stuck with my asshole ex-boyfriend. In the beginning she tried once or twice to stop Izuka from yelling at me but then she stopped coming around.

I never saw her again after that. I don't know what happened to her, but I hope it wasn't bad.

That shit worries me. I know I'm twenty now and I've been away from him for a year but I'm still scared that anyone I become friends with will be just like Izuka. Kind at first and then they change or reveal their monster self the same way he turned against me and turned my friends against me. I still don't know what he told them but they never spoke to me again and Wang Taehyung moved away without telling me why. He's like an ayakashi - silently haunting the shadows, whispering threats and telling untruths that are poison to the ears.

That really hurt since we were supposed to be best friends! I just wish I knew what I did wrong so I could have fixed the problem and we could be friends again... Knowing Izuka was involved probably means that nothing would change and Tae would hate me no matter what. Shit.

I've got to study for this Literature exam coming up, hopefully I'll pass. Lan Yibo says I can do anything I put my mind to. We've got an assessment due on some story called Arcadian Whisper by Fay V. O'clock. It's so romantic. 

The story is amazing and so painfully clear that there's going to be heartbreak but it's about this guy who goes away to another country to take a break from his life and in the process of clearing his mind he finds himself and he finds love in the sweetest way, but there's this thing... The guy he loves is someone who "came for a wedding and stayed for a funeral" - and my heart!! Oh my gods my heart! There's hearts breaking and separation but - in the end, the "Hello, stranger." I bawled my eyes out.

It made me cry and wish that I had a love story like that waiting for me somewhere. I'll never think of the scent of peppermint the same way again! It makes me wonder if the author felt the aching of their character's hearts the way I did. 

Hopefully by being here I can find myself - and maybe someone I can trust.

I want someone to love me the way Min loved Park in my Literature book.

Study hard. Be strong.

You can do this!

Fighting!

KM.Z. <3

SONG/ARTIST: GunShot by Kard