Give Me One Good Reason (prev: 13 Reasons) (HIATUS)

(7.2) Dear Diary

Dear Hope,

It's been a long while since I've written here. So much has happened in the last few weeks that I don't know where to start - and don't give me that jazz about "just start at the beginning" because I've already done that with my other entries here.

Let's pick up after my last entry I suppose..... 

I had a panic attack again and Eiji had heard my scream or something. Either way he knew I was having another PTSD episode and had sent his friend upstairs to help me out; turns out that he was BamBam - or at least he'd told everyone that that's who he was. There were a couple things he said that made me wonder (like about he thought it was time for a change when I suggested cutting and colouring his hair - the real BB would NEVER have said that!) and it turns out that Suga (I'll tell you about him later) had been sent to find me but when he saw the guy pretending to be BamBam that he knew immediately it wasn't the real BB because Suga had watched BamBam get shot in the head by my ex-boyfriend Izuka Yang. 

The piece of shit who destroyed my entire life and left me scarred physically, mentally and emotionally. 

The guy who'd pretended to be BamBam was really his step-brother, who could have passed for BamBam's twin, Trancy Alois. Trancy had found me on his own and was planning - I have no idea what - but if Suga hadn't turned up I wouldn't be here today. That's completely nuts to think about (so I try not to).

Anygay, back to talking about SUGA. 

Who is this sweet Suga I speak of, you may ask. Or not, but I'm going to tell you anyway!
He is Min Yoongi. Also known as Suga (since he was always a sweetheart to me while I was with my uh, you know ... Izuka. 

Min Yoongi when I met him was a bit rough around the edges like a raw diamond. He had blonde hair back then when I first stayed at Izuka's house. I met BamBam and Yoongi at the same time since I was introduced to them as some of my 'bodyguards' (read: jailers) amongst others. 

After I started being abused and my ex-boyfriend there were only a few people who dared risk his wrath and actually helped me. Whether it was to throw me a wet cloth, leave me a mouthful of water with a pain relief pill or for them to patch me up, BamBam and Yoongi were there for me the most often and that's when I began to call him Suga. He was my sweetheart towards me though I came to know his profession was a hitman. I still don't know how he ended up working for Izuka Yang but I know he only had his grandmother left since he'd lost all the rest of his family in an accident.

That sucks. Though knowing what I do about Izuka it wouldn't surprise me if he'd had them killed to keep my Suga under his thumb, Izuka was nothing if not a complete control freak. I remember this one time when I was late back from my study group by like, five or six minutes, my friend had to stop and put more fuel in his car and we were late and Izuka ... It was the first time he used a blade to cut me. 

My first cut and my first scar. He cut my inner thigh at the back so it would be harder for me to sit for any period of time without feeling the sting and ache but since I had school again the next day he wouldn't let me go and get it treated at the hospital. The thought of him still makes me shudder to think about. I don't know what I'm going to do if he ever finds where I am, I know that Suga and the Lan's are trying to hide from me how bad it is but that in itself says everything I don't want to know. 

Shit. This is getting hard for me to talk about.
I really hope that it isn't as bad as I'm imagining but it's probably worse than that. 

Lan Wuxian and Lan Yibo have sent Suga and I out of town to their Gusu cabin which they've called Táobì hépíng which means Escape to Peace. I believe it's a perfect name for the cabin in the middle of nowhere.

It's been relaxing for the while we've been here and Yoongi has been amazing. He cooks me delicious meals and makes sure I'm not bored. I feel a little bad that I'm not ready for intimacy still - the scars on my body make me embarrassed and I'm not as confident about myself as I once was. I wish I was able to do more because I'd love to show him that I want to be his lover, I do. I really really do, I just... I don't know if I'm willing to take the risk of a panic attack if I do take the chance.

There's gonna be so many things I'm going to have to tell him, all the things that Izuka did to me that he doesn't know about and I know that he hasn't seen all of my scars. I'm so worried about what Yoongi is going to say about the scars. I hate my skin, I hate my scars, I hate everything about my outsides except my eyes. I think that's my only redeeming quality - I love the colour of my chocolate brown eyes. 

For now, I'm going to go and watch another movie with Yoongi. He said he'll make us buttered popcorn to eat while we watch it! I think we're watching the Descendants movies and then binge watching Julie and the Phantoms or The Untamed over the next few days while we wait for Lan Wuxian, Lan Yibo or Sizhui to call us (Suga) and say we can go home. I miss being at home with the Lans.  

Catch you on the flip side, loves.

Saranghae,

K.M.Z. <3 <3 <3

******* ******* *******

Chinese meaning:

Táobì hépíng - escape to peace

Wàng Jī - free of worldly concerns, above the fray, at peace with the world

Lǚdiàn - inn, hotel

Liánhuā Hú - Lotus Lakes

Qīpiàn- Deceit or cheat (in this case they lived in Deceit City)