"Welcome one and all to to Toon Cable News!" Charlie Magne greeted. "I'm Charlie Magne."
"And I'm Alastor the Radio Demon and tonight we bring you news live from TCN Studios!" Alastor added.
"You seem pretty excited, Al." Charlie noted.
"What can I say? I've dabbled in journalism, but I was never given the chance to really get into it." Alzstor replied.
"Well, today's your lucky day. So, let's get on with our first story tonight." The princess of Hell said as she looked at her notes. "The infamous blind bank robber, Old Boomstick, was apprehended during a failed bank heist in a town he already targeted in the past: Troughwater. The two who apprehended him are Sheriff Todd Hayseed and Deputy Shawn Burrowitz."
"That's right, Charlie. To learn more, we go over to Niffty who is on the scene." The radio demon added.
"Thank you. And jeepers! What a catch these two have got! I'm here right now with Sheriff Hayseed right now." Nifftey reported as she held her mic up to the fox. Tell me, Sheriff. Can you give us your thoughts?
"Last time he was here he really rattled us up. We don't know why he'd be back here." Todd explained.
"Probably because he's blind?" Shawn snarked.
"Oh, yeah. Hey Shawn,what else did you find on him?" Todd asked.
"Let's see. We got one case of dynamite, 6 barrels of gunpowder, 5 boxes of grenades, a detonation plunger..."
Both the fox and the cyclops demon watched in disbelief as the donkey listed off the things he confiscated from the old mole rat.
"...and one missile!" He strained as he put it down. "The Feds should be on their way right now."
"Am I in jail yet?" Boomstick asked.
"There you have it, folks. Back to you guys." Niffty concluded. "How'd he get his hands on all that?"
"Beats us." Todd shrugged as we cut back.
"Thank you, Niffty." Alastor said before getting a message via his earpiece. "What's that? You don't say? Really?"
"What is it, Al?" Charlie asked.
"This just in, folks. A high speed chase currently unfolding as we speak. The fugitives have apparently stolen a yellow van and are speeding across city! Husk just so happens to be up in the air. Let's tune in with him to learn more."
With that, we cut to the grumpy, winged cat demon. He had a camera strapped to his hat and wore a black headset.
"Why am I the damn chopper?!" He griped.
"If you do it, there'll be a little brandy for you." The Radio Demon tempted.
"I'm convinced." Husk replied. "The perps are going at least 50 to 60 mph, maybe even 70. They just made a left turn at Main Street, nearly running over some pedestrians. It looks like they're trying to escape the city, but that's easier said than done because the cops have just blockaded their nearest exit."
"Wow, he's a natural at this." Charlie noted, impressed.
"We'll check back on you in a bit. Keep us up to date with the chase." Alastor said.
"Roger that!" Husk replied. "As long as I get my booze."
"And now we go over to Vaggie with the weather." Charlie announced. "You're up."
"Thank you, Charlie." Vaggie replied. "With the fall season creeping in and making way for winter, temperatures have gotten colder all around, some more than others. However, those living in Quahog may need to worry about the inexplicable hailstorms that have stricken the city, the largest hailstones roughly the size of compact cars."
As soon as she finished, a large hailstone smashed through the roof and nearly squashed her. Luckily, she was able to dodge it, though it left her shaken.
"Vaggie! You OK?!" Charlie called.
"Yeah. That was close." Vaggie panted in relief.
Just then, a tiny hailstone in the monitor behind her before bouncing off, hitting her on the head, and landing in in her hand.
"OW! What the hell?"
Suddenly, she heard a few cracks, then a groan, and finally, a creek. She looked to where the sound was coming from and saw it was the screen, which was tipping over.
"F*****g running gag!" She cursed before she was crushed.
"Ooh, that smarts." Alastor winced with a painful smile.
"Okay, let's go over over Angel with a live sports report!" Charlie giggled hastily and nervously.
Over to Angel, the demonic spider-like drag queen/hooker was staring eagerly at an MMA match that was curently going on.
"ANGEL!" Charlie snapped over his earpiece.
"Huh? Oh, sorry! I got caught in all the action, MMM! That's hot." Angel remarked.
"Angel, would you be so kind as to give us your remarks on the match?" Alastor asked.
"Where do I even start? This is a fierce one one between longtime rivals Kevin Fennigan and Forrest Elm. Kevin's currently got him in in a headlock while Forrest trying desperately to break free! S**t's getting real over here. Oh, I wish that was me." Angel reported before realizing what he just said. "Did I just say that aloud? Anyway, this could go on for quite a while; every single match they've had ended in a tie and I'm all for it."
"Thank you, Angel." Charlie sighed in annoyance.
"Who's the dumbass who decided to send Angel to an MMA match?" Vaggie asked.
"Who knows?" Charlie replied.
"What say we transition out of this and go back to Husk with the chase?" Alastor said as they agreed. "Husk, what's going on now?"
"THEY'RE HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE STUDIO!" Husk exclaimed.
"What?!" All three cried.
"Look at the the monitors, s**t-for-brains!" Husk warned.
He was right.
"Oh, n-"
They couldn't say anything else as they were flattened when the cars crashed through one wall and out the other. They groaned in pain as Husk landed in front of them.
"Where's my booze?" He asked.
"At the catering table." Alastor pointed out as Husk eagerly ran for it.
"Wait, Al, why didn't you stop the cars?" Charlie moaned.
"What can I say? I guess I got excited with this whole journalism and newscast thing." Alastor chuckled. "Ouch. It hurts to laugh."
"And this has been TCN. We're signing off and really, REALLY wishing we were somewhere else." Vaggie concluded. "LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE!"
