Keys of Life

Chapter Twenty: Faye

Chapter Twenty: Faye   

Sitting in front of this woman, a warm, friendly smile beckoning me, I couldn't help but feel comfortable. She was the type of person I would have loved Jason to have brought home, and I wished that he taken her to 'meet the family' like in a clichéd movie. It would have made me feel normal, allowed me to have a part in his life. He never wanted that, I suppose. He did everything he could to block me out, to burn all his bridges. I never did find a boat.

   "Do you want another coffee?" I asked, gesturing to the half-empty mug sitting in front of her. Her blue eyes lazily travelled down to the cup, and then back up to my face.

   "No, thanks. Just get whatever you want." I nodded. There was nothing more to say. I stretched and wandered in the direction of a beaten looking coffee machine. It rumbled just as my finger was inches away from hitting the button, a jet of steam spewing puffs of scalding hot air towards me.

   "I guess I'm not having coffee then," I muttered. A woman just as beaten as the coffee machine glanced up sharply, amusement clear on her face. I eventually settled for a fruit juice and headed back to the table.

    "So," I said. An awkward silence reigned, the dance of business or pleasure. I let Autumn decide. She was the one who held all the cards, all the information.

   "Jason was arrogant," she started. "He never said sorry, never did the dishes, and never did anything wrong in my eyes. I was just so happy to have a boyfriend; I didn't really care if he was cross eyed and had buck teeth." She gave a weak smile, her eyes a little watery and filled with sighs of sadness.

   "We laughed, we joked, and he was perfect. Unbelievable. Kind and caring and...just perfect." She chuckled, more a ragged exhale than sound. "I knew he had faults - it didn't matter. He was mine and I was his and we belonged together. God," she said, a hand shakily running through her hair. "I only just realised how sad that sounds."            

   I looked at her. This wasn't easy. It wasn't even okay, or halfway to alright. This was a whole new territory for her, just like it was for me. Her chest heaved up and down, her breath coming in quick, short pumps like she had just run a marathon. For a second, her eyes closed. Her dark lashes fluttered against the air, trapped butterflies in the wind.

   Slowly, discreetly, her body returned to normal. After a few rapid blinks and a shadow of a half-seen tear, she started again. She didn't explain her pause. She didn't need to.

   "I don't think he loved me like that. Of course, he liked me, maybe even more. I would've died for him, though, but he was always this untouchable figure, playing with the masses but ice cold. Aloof. I blamed everyone else; Smithy, you, your parents, his clients, anyone. Anyone who he could possibly have been distracted by, every single person who I thought had made him that way. Looking back though, I don't know if it helped, or if I should have cursed it. Maybe I wouldn't have loved him as much if I didn't have to guess what he felt for me."

   Autumn smiled ruefully, a fingernail flicking at the table. She seemed to be in a dream world, barely conscious of anything around her.  

   "I was one of those girls. The type that likes to obsess over guys, and who love the drama and tragedy of a broken heart. Jason was the perfect Romeo - that word again." Her voice turned bitter, angry.

   "Perfect. What does that even mean?" She shook her head, a jerking, violent motion.

   Then her eyes went soft, the calm after a storm. I couldn't tell what she was thinking, what she was feeling. Her heart was too murky, too complicated, too confused. She turned to me, a small smile evident on her face.

   "I'm sorry. What did you want to know about him?"

   "Why was he so private?" I asked. It had been bothering me. No one else had to pay Cluedo with family members. They knew who they were, where they lived, and what they liked. I had to turn to strangers to tell me about my brother, and conducted the majority of my conversations with my parents via email. Kisses were the ones that were spelt with an 'X' not the imprint of lips on my cheek.

   She pondered my question for a second, her brow furrowing slightly. This didn't look promising.

   "I don't really know. He never came out and said. I suppose he felt like that was a different part of him, and Jason hated mess. He wanted everything clean-cut, black or white. He wanted to be able to choose his lifestyle, and most importantly, he wanted to be in control. If he went back to his family, he didn't have that power anymore. They did. You did. Instead, he just drifted away, let bridges burn as he crossed them." She looked confident in her answer.

   "He was so outgoing, friendly and open. He was able to charm money out of a miser. Whenever he talked about family, though, he closed up completely. He didn't want memories to surface of things he had left behind. So he never did stay in touch, and soon the only things linking you were names on forms."

    I nodded. It sounded like Jason, even if I hadn't known him well enough to tell when he was upset, or angry. I knew enough. Just enough. Not more, not less, and definitely not as much as I should. How could I have loved him - even nearly enough - if he did everything he could to make sure I never had the chance to?

   "What did he like?" I asked.

   It went on, question after question, enough to rival the Spanish Inquisition. Occasionally Autumn would add in quirky details, like how he never tied his own tie. It was funny. I thought that this would be some big, bad, bold thing I was doing. It wasn't brave. It wasn't courageous or unusual or something to keep from everyone.

   It was fun, and good, and exactly what I needed. It made me feel like I was closer to Autumn, to Jason, even to my parents. It made me feel like I was part of the world again, not just someone standing on the edge of the fray, permanently in twilight.

   It could even have been described as nice.